The Parenting Presence

Parenting is so hard Kids are so difficult We are so worn out and nothing is working There is nothing to be grateful for Ugh     Although there are times when all of this feels very true, let's also find the courage to look for that which makes it all worth it. We will find many things to be grateful for which may not be immediately visible to us. We begin to see what's there, as soon as we stop r...

In episode 046, we talked about three essential pillars to respect and the first one was about seeing your child as an Individual: A complete, whole human being with their own thoughts, needs, and feelings…   Today we make a special emphasis on the Separateness Factor of being an Individual.   As soon as your child is able to interact with the world intentionally, they begin to acquire their own e...

What do you do when you catch your child lying? Have you been perplexed as to why this happens and what to do with this behavior?   To tackle this challenge, we need to understand where the child is developmentally, and also be able to tell the difference between intentional deception and other forms of non-truth and storytelling. We also need to embrace the fact that lies, when they happen, tell...

Being respectful with children, no matter how frustrating they can be at times, is such an important contributing factor to their overall development.   But the one thing we often miss is that treating children with respect also has a tremendous impact on how we feel about ourselves and our parenting.   If we don't grasp that, we miss out on a very important emotional resource that can help us fee...

As gadgets become part of our children's lives, we begin to hear many opinions on what is "appropriate use" and how much screen time is OK.   Where do you get your advice from? How much do you trust The Media? How many of your decisions you started to question based on what someone says? How to know what source is reputable and how to judge for yourself? Such important questions!   Here is what I...

Is your child simply unmotivated? Are they lazy? Is there more to their lack of engagement? In this episode, we talk about the differences between kids who don't do stuff simply because they don't want to and those who would like to, but can't.    These are the kids with avoidant tendencies.   They not only avoid activities that other children would normally avoid — such as chores or homework — bu...

How do we resolve a lack of motivation in our children?   It is not enough to be frustrated with our children or be disappointed in them. Although the feelings are completely justified, they do not make things happen. To see more motivated children, we need to put in a bit of effort to help them.    There is no quick fix. Developing independence is a developmental process that takes time. But we c...

We've all done it. At one time or another, we have compared our children to someone else's. How many times have we said, "Look at so-and-so, why can't you be like them?" Even though never said with an ill intent, comparing children leads to poor self-esteem. A few takeaways from this episode: Before the child can look to someone else as a role model and feel inspired to do what they do, they need...

Sometimes you are just spent and have nothing to give. Sometimes, even if you'd like to be there for your child, you just can't. Whatever the reason, sometimes we are not there for our children when they need us. Is that a problem?   We've talked before about how important it is to take care of your child's needs.    Getting needs met is a critical part of our child's development, on many levels....

Staying connected with our children is important. But what does it even mean? What does connection look like when it's there, and how do we know when it's missing?   Lack of connection is evident in our difficulty to have an impact on our children either with words or actions. That is what we see at the surface. What creates a strong connection?    In today's episode, I am offering a shift in pers...

We often think that it is the limits that children resist, when in fact it is the power and control we exert over them that they don't welcome.   Your child has will power, just as do you.   When we over-control children, we end up with power struggles. In order to have limits without the power struggles, we need to empower our children and give them the sense of control. That is accomplished thro...

When children are well-regulated, we spend less time regulating them. Less time spent on tantrums and arguments, means more time for us and for ourselves.   When we invest a bit of time upfront, we get our time back.   So how do we do that? To help children be more balanced and well-adjusted, we show them that they matter and are important to us. We do that by giving them our time and attention. T...

When we feel frustrated and exhausted with our child's behavior, we may be attributing our feelings to the way our child behaves. But why do our children behave the way they do?   Often an answer to that is poor boundaries.    Lack of good boundaries in a Parent-Child relationship can lead to frustration, burnout, and even resentment. Very often we tend to attribute poor boundaries in that relatio...

Expectations and limits can send out kids into resistance and tantrums... How well your child is following expectations and limits you set for them, depends on three important keys:   How reasonable these limits are The quality of our relationship with the child How repetitive and consistent are these limits   If the child is not following expectations we already set for them, the likelihood that...

Do you have a lazy kid? How can you tell? If any of the following is true, today's conversation may be for you: If your child never tidies up their room and it always looks like a tornado zone  If every chore you ask their help with is declined with disgust  If there is no school subject your child does well in, despite adequate abilities  If your child is avoiding anything that requires thinking...

Holding space for children is one of the most important things we can do for their wellbeing and healthy emotional development. Although it is a relatively simple practice, sometimes holding space seems like the hardest things to do?   Why is that?   In this episode we explore 5 most common reasons that prevent us from creating space and focusing on the child.     Sign up here for the Emotionally...

Experts are great, unless you can't follow their advice. Experts are great, until they confuse you.  Experts are great, until they disagree.  So then what do you do? Whom do you listen to?    It's simple. You listen to yourself. Experts know a lot, but the one thing they don't know is you and the particulars of your life, your child, and your situation.    In this episode I touch upon what you nee...

Knowing how important it is to maintain our well-being as parents, what would you do to prevent parent burnout? You could probably quit your job if it were driving you crazy, but you can't quit your children, no matter how much they exhaust you. Typical suggestions given to people that experience job stress (such as, taking a vacation, setting boundaries on your time, switching teams, etc.) do not...

Parents burn out for many reasons, the most important of which is neglecting their own needs. Parenting is a demanding job, with many energy taxing tasks.   The most energy draining one of them is holding our child's emotions.   Even though we want to be there for our children, supporting them emotionally -- is a lot of work. Our emotional energy gets spent the most when we are helping our child t...

Why is it that we can assert ourselves with other adults, but give in with our children? Why is it that we can decline an invitation and say "Thank you for thinking of me, and I won't be able to. I have made other plans." Yet we feel forced into a game our child set up for us... It is harder to tell NO to our children than it is to other people.   Why is that?   Because we misunderstand what our r...

Out of all the needs children have, the need for acceptance plays a critical role in their development. Understanding this very essential and basic need, holds the key to understanding our roles as parents.   Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.   Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach More info at theparentingpresence.com        

Besides accidental boundary crossing, repeated violations happen when we do not acknowledge that children need to have their boundaries respected and protected.   A child, no matter how young, has the right to have their own psychological and physical space. The older they are the more that space will expand. This is the way they develop their sense of Self.   Children also have the right to not b...

Do you know that the best way to build a strong relationship with the child is to listen to them? But do we know how to listen?   Listening done right, helps us see .   We may be listening to children all the time. After all they rarely stop talking if you let them. But are we actually receiving what it is they share? When we shift from simply hearing our child's voice to truly understanding their...

Children need both, freedoms and limits. Freedoms without limits create chaos. But too many limits lead to unmet needs. How do we get this right?   It can be tricky to navigate the new way we build relationships with our children, especially as we become more aware of their rights and needs. So is it OK to say "no" to your child and how many times? How to stay clear of overindulging? The right bal...

The way we understand respect, determines a lot about how we parent and how much we enjoy it. In the past, parents demanded respect from children (remember how it was when you were little?), but today children expect it from parents. What that practically means differs hugely from family to family, and each has its own dynamics of respect.  What is your understanding of respect? Do children deserv...