The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts

Dare you join our decrepit teleporters as time stands still for the 101st part of this perpetual parade, and behold as we blabber almost exclusively about how time travel concepts are conveyed in TV shows, movies and video games; preceding that plentiful topic we step Inside Ross’ Mind to ask our Headcrabs where and when they would visit should they be able to make an observational trip anywhere i...

Join us lounging by our Xen Healing Pool and surrender to the temptation of a refreshing soak, dip your toes and trust the restorative waters to wash away those suspiciously sweaty summer exploits; then towel off alongside Tim, a first-timer on the show, who has agreed to feature in this month’s episode exclusively to prove his existence. Our hectic headliners commence the first part of this tempo...

The possibilities are endless in the second part of this foreigner focussed foray, as Tim confronts the infamous interrogation faced by all past inmates of the Lair; the erudite detainee endures an oppressive onslaught of questioning unperturbed, deflecting verbal attacks with aplomb as the incompetent inquisitors insist on interpretations of their inane hypotheticals: his Desert Island games and...

In the second part of this inconsequential sequence, our lint lickers lumber to Lair 2.0 to play three arcade games for this month’s Gonarch’s Player: Trojan, Rod-Land, and Street Fighter: The Movie. While gaming we strive to stifle familiar frustrations by talking about Glastonbury, the Lambton Worm, WD40, The Addams Family, Dutch furniture moving solutions, Saint George, and visits to the tip; w...

Dry your eyes darling Headcrabs, for our venerable vagrants have returned from their summer recess to take up residence in the all-new Lair 4.0; by delivering a dose of revitalised vigor, they aspire to redeem this atrophying podcast. We kick off an essentially themeless episode with a belated and brief E3 chat, covering their handpicked highlights: Xbox Scarlett, Watch Dogs: Legion, Gods & Monste...

Fellow facehuggers, you are formally invited to hound our hostile hosts through this 40th anniversary appreciation of the birth of the most iconic sci-fi horror franchise of all time; the first act features the quarter pumpers paying a passing visit to Lair 2.0 to play three games set in the Alien universe: Alien vs. Predator arcade, Alien 3 on the Mega Drive, and Aliens arcade. Our chestbursters...

In the 45th and a half part of the podcast that comes mostly once a month, mostly, our sufferers of space madness set out on an elongated lark through the multimedia associated with Aliens not aliens; the extraterrestrial extroverts expatiate extensively by examining all of the games associated with the Alien franchise, the cartoons and toy lines, and the feature-length movies including the 6 fan-...

The year has sprung spring, and witnessing a refreshing return to the season of rebirth has galvanised our enigmatic entertainers, who have endeavoured to qualify this questionable concoction as an Easter special for each and every elegant Eggcrab. We implore you to impetuously immerse yourselves in the inane incantation of three rabid rogues, for the initial part of this naturally nebulous episod...

The second part of this riotous rite is fundamentally flooded by a roughly relevant Gonarch’s Player, which features Ross and Thom playing three retro games: Chuckie egg, Rabbit Punch, and Super 3D Noah’s Ark. The troubling troika creatively cram the remaining recording with discussions about Headspace, Clint Mansell, Sexy Parodius, Tommy Walsh, submariners, Rag’n’Bone Man, Family Fortunes, James...

Welcome mummy’s boys and girls, to the joint mother's day and climate change special! The polluted pair were persuaded to pay tribute to all of those Gonarchs out there, whilst simultaneously highlighting the unseasonably warm weather we have experienced recently; the byproduct of their comeuppance is this, our most tenuously themed show to date. During this maternal meander we talk about Battlefi...

In the second part of this laborious limp, Ross and Thom play three topical games on the Sega Mega Drive: Captain Planet and the Planeteers, Mick and Mack: Global Gladiators, and Decap Attack, while talking about Netflix’s War of the Worlds, stealth fries, Yogi Bear, Virgin Interactive Entertainment, Tarot Cards, Junior, Yellowstone National Park, and Jennifer Connolly; the producer recycles some...

Sexually suggestive salutations to you, our horny little Headcrabs, as you join our shriveled seducers in their most offensive episode to date: the highly anticipated sex games special. The first salacious slice of this gratuitous grind features our deviants devouring some candidly crass communications from our most provocative fans, before discussing Crackdown 3, RDR2 Gun Rush, Apex Legends, Spac...

Grab the tissues and lotion in preparation for the second part of this impotent installment as, in tribute to the month of love-making, the damsels in distress reconvene in Lair 2.0 to play three topical games in a lust laden Gonarch’s Player: Sex Vixens From Space, Sex Olympics, and Sextimates. Following that floundering foreplay, our moist mates moan about Eurotrash, John Ronson, ASMR, PaymoneyW...

Accompany our ardent anchors as they inaugurate the fourth annual Yuletide interlude before finding themselves confined in the discomfort of Lair 3.0, encumbered by the plastic carcasses of ancient console conflict, and constrained by a convivial keeper who coerces our comrades to contend with a trio of topical computer games. In part one of this blizzard of blisters the three wise men talk about...

In part two of this year’s serene seasonal sleigh ride, Thom and Kelly exploit a chance encounter by playing Lethal Weapon on the SNES for an exclusive edition of the Gonarch’s Player while talking about occasional candles, Jason and his Technicolour Dreamcoat, Buck’s Fizz, I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, mulled wine, Legends of Tomorrow, and Philip Schofield; we share our experience of London...

Our naughty boys bring this cathartic cruise to a close in the third and final part, by methodically meandering through a list of their favoured visual entertainment experiences of 2018, randomly ranked in a tranquil top ten before being shared with the listener in a generally gleeful groove; we reveal our patented method for dynamic media adsorption, one of the little helpers suffers from ‘residu...

Life commences in crisis for our middle-aged masters of mayhem, as they grudgingly gather for a John Carpenter special; being one of the most versatile visionaries in the entertainment industry, and a personal hero of ours, J.C. has earned an entire episode devoted to his profusely prolific production. In this troubled trip our useless slashers discuss South Shield’s Drive-In Cinema, Rainbow Six:...

Obey and consume the second chapter of this composed compendium, as our damned deviants directly assault the audience’s audio processors with passionate parlance; temporarily escaping their excruciating existence to exchange chatter, chronicling the many games and movies John Carpenter has been credited for partaking in the creation of whilst discussing Rowdy Roddy Piper, Goblin, The Norm MacDonal...

Happy Howl-O-Ween dear Headcrabs, take shelter this frightful night with our hirsute harem in their dog-eared den and witness our third annual abominable abortion; this year we turn our attention to werewolves, delving deeply into the origin of the legend including how one becomes, cures, or kills these canine catastrophes. In the first part of this bumper bestial batch the pestilent pack discuss...

In part second of three our cursed company continue their punitive prowl through this lycan laden instalment by playing Werewolf: Last Warrior on the NES, while covering all the recent gaming news including the Battlefield V open beta, Black Ops 4, Red Dead Redemption 2 hype, Nioh, Streets of Rage 4, Dead Cells, World War Z, cross-play, the PlayStation Classic, and THQ Nordic’s acquisition spree;...

Raise your hackles and bear your teeth for a rough start to the third and final part of this rabid ramble, as our comical clan wearily rally to review every werewolf themed TV show, movie, and video game while discussing Stephen King, ellipsoid graphics, Alice Cooper, the Best Makeup Academy Award, Adult Swim, and our favourite transformation scenes; there are some dynamic puns, Ross shares his 13...

Good luck listener, you’ll need it as our confounding cohort convenes to face the friendly flames of Lair 2.0 with hubris, hopeful that this month’s audio discharge will be practically palatable; the theme is disappointment but don’t allow that to obscure your unworthy wonted enthusiasm for the show, Ross and Thom once again deliver a decent dose of patented tangents and obscure obscenities in an...

The atmosphere gets oppressively stifling in the second leg of this underwhelming wander, as our paltry pairing exhume repressed memories of the most disappointing games that they have ever played. We also chat about gardening, Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice, false advertising, Kane Hodder, roadworks, H.P. Lovecraft, parkour, See No Evil, malaria, Peter Molyneux, and Brexit; we read out the longest...

Howdy Headcrabs, come on in and have a nice day whilst consuming the first slice of our potentially offensive American Independence Day special; listen as the perspiring spouses, fresh from their summer sabbatical, endeavour to rejuvenate the Gonarch’s Lair franchise with an absolute banger of an episode. During this chaotic congress we discuss Wrekfest, Red Faction Guerilla Re-Mars-tered, Earthfa...

In the second part of this uncongenial union, our world-class singles sail away on a sea of E3 scoops, scrutinising the roster of titles that were announced or teased at the most contentious of all the annual gaming expositions. We also talk about lactose intolerance, glam rock, Skol lager, Skylanders, Elijah Wood, and fisheye lens cameras; a former guest remotely examines our psyche, Ross shares...