The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts

016: soccer_oscars_dynasty Soccer holds unrivalled notoriety on Earth, it is so popular that even we are familiar, with pockets of fans watching reruns of old matches via their Inter-dimensional Communication Array. I have never understood the appeal, however subject A’s ideas for revamping the game certainly piqued my interest. Dynamism and astonishment being the unique selling points: his concep...

015: wrath_extrusion_cartoons It was a tempestuous start to the latest meeting between our subjects, the origin of the anger was not divulged but we were given some insight into how the pair process such emotion. Mostly this involves the destruction of inanimate objects, such as stationary and gaming peripherals, a rather primal and futile coping mechanism. They would do well to adopt our strategy...

014: beards_records_superstition   Subject A has experienced a period of boredom, forcing him to seek new ways of occupying himself in the pod. To maintain our mandate, we have not provided any additional forms of entertainment, which appears to have inspired his creative side.    We have witnessed examples of vanity many times during our multiple trials, the current detainees experimenting with d...

013: reeducation_beaches_antagonists    It’s the end of term for one of our cadets, and we hear him disclose first-hand experience of our reeducation program to his compatriot: it was intriguing to witness a disarmed and honest assessment of our methods from one of the courses most mediocre students.   We commenced with subject B as he has proven to be the most easily influenced, mainly due to his...

012: identity_unicorns_stingers   Subject B skipped the pleasantries at the start of todays meeting, opting instead to interrogate his counterpart on their knowledge of antique-based reality television. His intention behind the line of questioning was not to explore the worth of humanitys lost or forgotten junk, rather to identify the masks they surreptitiously wore whilst desperately attempting t...

011: condiments_apidae_disasters   Life in the pod appears to have become too bland for subject B: he bemoans the lack of flavour in their rations and so, in an effort to fool his tastebuds, sparks a conversation with his compatriot about condiments.   In a further attempt to inject some spice into their existence, subject A suggests they seek stimulation by landing on the nearest planet. While hi...

010: halitosis_property_melodramas   My suspicion of ongoing deception by our specimens was confirmed during today’s meeting: affecting accents and masking personalities are clear signs of espionage, what they stand to gain from spying on us I am yet to uncover. I shan’t expose their secret until I understand more about their individual skillsets. An Observer has never before succeeded in convinci...

009: paracosms_cranchiidae_booze   In a vain attempt at shrouding his lacklustre approach to pod upkeep, subject A has manufactured an autonomous valet. In theory it should alleviate an already congested list of errands for B, but an unforeseen quirk of said servant could dash his hopes before any benefit is felt.   As we know, this newly employed minion isn’t the only thing our passengers have fa...

008: vacation_ophidianists_thiriokinesis   It was both pleasing and concerning to discover that subject A has created a resort within the pod: pleasing as it will give the inhabitants somewhere to relax and reflect, concerning due to the resources exhausted during its manufacture, resulting in a negative impact on the craft’s stability.   B appeared to be just as worried but was quickly distracted...

007: sanitation_execution_epitaphs   Today’s meeting was a mostly morbid affair, despite a positive start that saw B boasting about the numerous chores he had completed. The act of spring cleaning can be seen as an expression of the desire to improve or change one’s surroundings, could they finally be settling in for the long haul?   Conversely, A seems to be way behind on his duties. I foresee th...

006: proctology_invertebrates_sensorium   Both were verging on hysteria for the duration of this session: subject A believes his co-habitants erratic behaviour is a reaction to a homemade narcotic, I suspect it is due to the oxygen rationing we have had no choice but to enforce. Their entertainment value rises dramatically when starved of the life-giving gas, it would certainly render my observati...

005: anthropomorphism_ effervescence_dance The tangible regret shown by subject A, following an evening of excess, invoked little sympathy from B for his self-inflicted ailment. They generally lack any real concern for the others well-being, seemingly oblivious to the impact being entirely alone would have on their psyche. Details of the previous nights entertainment suggests A has achieved a new...

004: meteorology_obsequies_pioneers   The usual combative nature of previous sessions was absent today, our subjects were instead unified in annoyance by a common foe: it transpires that the unwelcome guest we initially viewed as a threat and sought to exterminate, has proven itself to be an impactful uncontrolled variable. I suggest we allow this relationship to organically develop for now, I’ll...

003: aristocracy_opiates_cosplay   The third session commenced in open conflict, with B accusing A of larceny. The heated exchange substantiates my hypothesis that our ability to subtly manipulate time and space, and the objects within it, intensifies the volatility of their domicile. Historically, chaotic atmospheres yield rich seams to mine for emotional response data.    B displayed further del...

002: ablutions_transit_neophytes The second meeting between our subjects was held slightly later than scheduled due to circumstances beyond the Custodian’s control, he has assured me that future sessions will not be as intermittent. An undercurrent of uncleanliness flowed stubbornly beneath the conversation, alike a waste pipe constricted by human effluence. A regular occurrence at this point in t...

001: rodents_ emulsion _cetaceans  Their first mandatory meeting was fraught with taboo topics, both parties were restless and disorientated: subject A delicately deliberated the legalities of animal ownership, while B fixated on faecal matter.   Attempting to placate a visibly hyperactive B, A engaged in a spontaneous game of Charades. An insightful but meandering conversation transpired: the the...

We need your clout, your booze and your motivation as it’s time to resist with the remorseless rebels, to reveal whether they’ll fight for the future or surrender to their destiny in our long-awaited Terminator special; to celebrate 35 years since the birth of the genre-defining franchise, and as a memento for our canny little Cybercrabs, we have dedicated an entire episode to one of science ficti...

Come with us if you want to live through the second part of this futile fallout, as the reprogrammed reprobates are sent back from a forsaken future, charged with the mission of relating the replies to an Inside Ross’ Mind question that originated outside of Ross’ mind: which movie or TV show would you choose to have erased from your memory, allowing you to watch it for the first time all over aga...

Turn on your out of office and take a well-earned break with our vagrant vacationers, as they observe their half-century episode with enviable verve; taking their traditional trip to Lair 3.0 and escorted by Ret, they play four classic sitcom themed games: ALF on the Sega Master System, The Munsters on the C64, M*A*S*H on the Atari 2600 and Home Improvement: Power Tool Pursuit! on the SNES. While...

In the second section of this abstract sabbatical, our most heinous nomad facilitates a completely consensual visit from thelifebath.com to Lair 4.0, where they are coerced into playing Elf: The Movie on the Game Boy Advance while chatting about Lumiere Durham 2019, Gorilla Glue, Baby Yoda, Ring Doorbell, Friends Central Perk LEGO, Cadbury Heroes and Who Framed Roger Rabbit; we debate the validity...

Just one more thing before you flee, fellow Headsprouts, we beseech you to brave the finale of this narcissistic sojourn, as the delusional deadbeats analyse in detail the answers to this month’s Inside Ross’ Mind question: which sitcom universe would you like to live in, and what role would you play within it? The parley is peppered with provocative topics such as Peach Schnapps, Christmassy Head...

It’s Trick and/or treat time, darling Deadcrabs, as our fourth Hallowe’en special is broadcast directly from beyond the spectral plane; the tormented terrors continue their quest for eternal rest, hopeful their unfinished business shall be accomplished once this supernatural soiree concludes. Supplied with a variety of sweet treats to keep their spirits up, our shadowy shapeshifters start their st...

Fingers on buzzers for the second section of this panicked prayer, as our boisterous bogeymen reside recumbently in the radiant torridity of Big Momma’s bosom while playing four ghoulishly gruelling retro games: Casper on the SNES, Porky Pig’s Haunted Holiday also on the SNES, Haunting on the Sega Mega Drive and Ghost House on the Sega Master System. Mesmerized by the ominous atmosphere of our arc...

Boo! The closing slice of this year’s spectre spattered special features a fittingly frightening Inside Ross’ Mind, consisting of two abnormally nauseating queasy questions: what are the strangest phobias you know of and what would you forever banish to Room 101? While deciphering the Deadcrab’s feedback we discuss Greta Thunberg, Hershey’s chocolate, Jerry Springer, the iPhone 11 and Inspector Fo...

As retrospective as the most vivid déjà vu, the volatile voyagers are back from the present to once again recognise two almost meaningless milestones: our 4th birthday, and 100th publication of our periodical podcast; what better way to recognise such a chronologically concentrated occasion, than basing the entire show on the theory of time travel? This is also our longest ever release, mainly due...