The Divine House Reads the Divine Comedy

Slangquiz: should “thicc” be a word used to describe french fries? Sordello and Virgil are from Mantua, and the Empire and the Church are tearing apart Italy. But more importantly, is the letter “O” that shape because your mouth looks like an “O” when you say “O?” “Listeners,” we love you.

Evaporation, condensation, precipitation: catching up with Guido's son and other murder victims.

The late repentant are kind of boring, but Belacqua lazes around under a boulder like the lazy purgatorial baller that he is. Dante continues to be obsessed with geography.

Does Alex Honnold have a shadow? You tell me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cyya23MPoAI 

The second canto tends to confuse us (cf: Inferno Canto 2, when we couldn't figure out who was talking). That's true here too! Good we're consistent. Don't rock this boat!!

WE'RE BACK! Here with Virg and Pilg in PURG!  Disclaimer: neither of us knows what prime numbers are. 

It's the deepest circle of Hell, and it turns out that Lucifer isn't really in charge. Or is he? ...Time to go to The Upside-Down. 

That's right: Specialty sports headwear made from human tears! Also, Princess Elsa's hypothetical trip to Caïna, Elaine's Mushu fanfic, and the biggest dis in the Inferno—so far. 

Before curb-stomping, there was head-chomping: an icy lake, "orifice vibes," Dante's Moleskine notebook, nom nom—ciabatta! Listeners, this one is a wild ride. 

Giants, folks! Also: the whales were Gaea's bath bombs; Lucy's FaceID doesn't work; Elaine's professor has Insights; we hypothesize that Antaeus would give a lot of shit to flight attendants, but actually, turns out he is kind of nice. 

Why is lying worse than killing thousands of people? Also: Zeus gets pregnant (in his thicc thigh); we want to go on vacation to Siena to see this fountain that tempts a lute-person; Potiphar's wife cuts tomatoes; Master Adamo and Sinon get into a little tiff to rival the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. Dante rubbernecks; Virgil loses his patience. Besties!!  

Virgil scolds Dante for staring at Bertran de Born's head for too long. "The circle of liiiiiife..." Jeez, the tenth bolgia is really bad, as the Alchemist sinners are... never mind, the complexities of parking garage ventilation are more interesting! And trucking! Out, damn spot! We end by discussing why fraud is such a bad sin in Dante's world, and good vs. bad alchemists.

By "own-horn-tooting," we mean Dante referring to his own contrapasso as contrapasso (spoiler: he made up this word). But the "gore" and "schisms" are literally gore and schisms. Also, a warning that a very important figure in Islam turns up in this episode, and not in a good way. :( 

"Now was the flame erect..." Ulysses and Diomedes burn in a sexy, quivering flame-tip. Phalaris, the florist of Florence, tortures people in a Big Brazen Bull. Not hot! Six Flags is scary! Next year, we are dressing up as The Eagle of Polenta, The Lion of the White Lair and/or Pope Boniface VIII for Halloween. BONYFACE TALKS! What is the living wage in Hell? OMG, Carson from Downton Abbey plays Bo...

That’s right folks. Ulysses went upsie-downsies Hans Zimmer-style because as we know, the world is round but God doesn’t want you to go too far! Why? You’ll run into Mount Purgatory (spoilers). A SMOKIN’ canto if we do say so ourselves.

Listeners, this canto is *gross* and contains much discussion of sexual assault, in the context of centaurs and snake penises splitting in two. We also cancel the F-word and ask to speak to the manager of Hell. But even if you don't listen, look at this link we found while we were recording it: https://news.mongabay.com/2018/12/relative-of-penis-snake-amphibian-named-after-donald-trump/. It's a ni...

ELECTION NIGHT, and the FBI is listening to our podcast, so we have to be careful. Too bad Dante has decided to give naked thieves snake-belts before they disintegrate into ashes. We are bored of Virgil, so we cast Bradley Cooper to play him. (Hot!) Also, the bolgias are kind of like collapsible coffee cups, and speaking of vessels, Jesus definitely had a Kleen Kanteen. OK, off to chill with Hilla...

Virgil was a kind of gullible lil daddy, we decide. ALSO FEATURING... cute "tussle tops" served to us on Instagram; pig dander; monastic laundry practices; our Halloween party ideas; the bisexual energy of As You Like It; Lucy spoiling Game of Thrones (don't say we didn't warn you!). 

The title says it all, no? 

Dante is a COY BOY! He doesn't tell us what he's up to... But it turns out there are some infrastructure problems in hell. The devil Malecoda is like "I'll send you guys with my guys. Don't worry. You can trust me, I'm totally trustworthy." And we're like NO GUYS! Don't do it, this guy's name is literally BAD BOOTY. He has BAD in the NAME! and also, he uses that bad booty of his to bugle...

Where in Dante's Inferno would we put Donald Trump? Hard to say without SPOILERS. Well, in any case, he probably wouldn't be with Tiresias, Michael Scot (not from the Office...we THINK) and the other seers in the fourth Bad Bulge, which is wet with the tears they are crying into their own butts. Oops!  Another spoiler: We are pedants. Not sure yet where we'll end up. Stay tuned!!

We finally get to the part where people are buried upside down! Dante throws a lot of shade at the church, and Boniface VIII makes another appearance. (A subplot we LOVE.) In this case, his bony face is about to get shoved up the butt of another simonist, aka someone who sells clerical privileges for £££. Also in store this time: Constantine! forgery! the harlot bride of someone! she-bears! and al...

Yes, you read that right. BULGES. Ten of them! Damn. We are in the eighth circle now, betches! And let's just say... there are WHIPS. 

Dante's version of Geryon is kinda weird, but more importantly, what prize should we offer people who actually listen to this? That makes up the bulk of our discussion, gentle listeners. Just being honest. 

DISCLAIMER: We do not own the trademarks to Goldfish®. Bypassingly, in this episode Dante runs into some of his political heroes, who are flayed, possibly because they were gay, which is NOT something we support! (the flaying) Things end with a loud waterfall. Also Virgil takes off Dante's belt. No, really.