The Bible in Fewer Words

The Bible spends five chapters telling us about two houses: Solomon's and God's. Solomon's house had more than four times the floor space as God's, and took nearly twice as long to build. When the construction projects were completed, Solomon sacrificed 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep - on one very bloody day. The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these...

This is the most famous story about Solomon. So you've probably heard it before. But did you know that Solomon was wiser than Heman? The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .

In this episode, David gives his last words to his son Solomon. It's a hit list. And Solomon does what he's told. Meanwhile, Adonijah tries to marry Abishag (the beautiful virgin who tried to get David some heat in the last episode), and Solomon kills him for it. The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .

In this episode, a young virgin named Abishag is found to get David some heat, while David's son, Adonijah, tries to steal the kingdom from him. Bathsheba intervenes by convincing David to make her son Solomon king. The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .

In this episode, God tells David to have a census. Then he gets angry at David for having the census and sends a disease that kills 70,000 men (and God knows how many women and children). The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .

In this episode, God sends a famine to punish Israel and then stops the famine after seven of Saul's sons and grandsons are hung up before him. The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .

In this episode, Amasa is killed by being stabbed under the fifth rib, which is the preferred way of killing someone in 2 Samuel. And Sheba's head is cut off and a wise woman throws it over a wall. David punishes his concubines for being raped by his son Solomon by refusing to have sex with them and forcing them to keep house for him for the rest of their lives. The text and notes for this epi...

In this episode, David and Solomon have it out. 20,000 are killed (most of them were killed by a spooky forest.) Absalom get his head caught in an oak tree while riding on a donkey, and Joab killed him by putting three darts through his heart. The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .

In episode 123, the prophet Nathan told David that God would punish him for the Bathsheba/Uriah affair by forcing his "neighbor" to have sex with his wives in front of everyone. Now, in this episode, God's prophecy is fulfilled, with David's son, Absalom, being the "neighbor." The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider...

David runs away from his son Absalom, leaving his ten concubines to keep house. The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .

This episode is all about David's family values. Incest, rape, and murder - it's all here in a single chapter. The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .

In the last episode, David impregnated Bathsheba and then had her husband, Uriah, killed. To punish him for this, God killed the resulting baby. After the baby died, David impregnated Bathsheba again, and Solomon (whom God named Jedediah) was born. The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .

This is probably the second most famous story about David. (The first being the story about David and Goliath.) I won't spoil it here, except to say that it is, according to the Bible, the only thing that David ever did that was wrong. The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .

The episode begins with David setting an example for the treatment of prisoners of war. (He kills two-thirds and enslaves the rest.) But when he sent ambassadors to Hanun, the king of Ammon, the king "shaved off one half of their beards, and cut off their garments in the middle, even to their buttocks, and sent them away." The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you en...

The ark of the covenant has caused lots of trouble. After stealing the ark, God plagued the Philistines with hemorrhoids in their secret parts, then he killed 50,070 people because someone looked into the ark. Years later, David decided to go get the ark and bring it to Jerusalem. Along the way, the oxen stumbled and the ark began to fall, and a man named Uzzah tried to prevent it from falling. An...

Don't let the title fool you. There's a lot happening in this episode. A king's head is cut off and delivered to David. David's cuts off the feet and hands of the guys who cut of the king's head and hangs their bodies over a pool. David says that he hates lame and blind people. And God helps David smite the Philistines (twice). All in a little over eight minutes! The text and n...

There's a lot happening in this episode, and I don't want to spoil it for you. Treason, murder, and cursing of descendants with penile discharges. But you'll have to listen to it to get all the gory details. The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .

In this episode, David becomes king of Judah after killing the Amalekite messenger who told him about Saul and his sons' deaths. Then David sings a little song where he professes his love for Jonathan, saying: "I am sad for you, Jonathan. You were very pleasant to me. Your love for me was wonderful; it was better than the love of women." The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If y...

In this episode, David wants to fight with the Philistines against Israel, but the Philistines won't let him. Meanwhile the Amalekites destroy the city that the Philistines had given him and take the people captive - including David's two wives. The people are angry at David for letting this happen and want to stone him to death. But David and his men attack the Amalekites and retrieve the...

David does it again: he sneaks into Saul's camp and does something amazing. This time he took Saul's spear and water jug while Saul was sleeping. ( Last time he snuck in a cut off a piece of Saul's skirt while Saul was going to the bathroom.) After that, David worked as a mercenary for the Philistines, committing random acts of genocide for them. And the episode ends with Saul asking the witch of...

In this episode, God kills a man named Nabal and gives his wife to David. The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .

This episode contains one of the Bible's most amazing stories. David sneaks in and cuts off a piece of Saul's skirt while Saul is going to the bathroom. And Saul didn't even notice. After that, Saul knew that God was with David. How else could he do something like that? The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .

In this episode, David lies to a priest and acts like he's insane, as you'd expect a "man after God's own heart" to do. The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .

Saul tries to kill David, Michal (whom David bought for 200 Philistine foreskins) helps him escape, Saul prophesies naked all day and night, and David and Jonathan kiss one another until David exceeded. The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .

This episode begins with Jonathan falling in love (or friendship) with David. He was so taken by him that he took off his clothes and gave him his sword, bow, and girdle. Then David buys his first wife with 200 Philistine foreskins. The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .