The Bible in Fewer Words

When the Jews return to Jerusalem after the Babylonian captivity and begin to rebuild the temple, some of the men married "strange" women, which offended God and upset Ezra so much that he pulled out the hairs on his head and beard. But after Ezra told them how much their families upset God, the men abandoned their wives and children. And everyone lived happily ever after. The text and notes for t...

Second Chronicles continues by repeating the stories already told in First and Second Kings. A few stories are new or a bit different that the original ones in Kings. But, as with the first episode on Second Chronicles, what is most interesting is not the stories that are included - it's the stories that are left out. I have listed 41 of these stories in the notes for this episode at this episode'...

Although 2 Chronicles isn't quite as boring as 1 Chronicles, it is a close second. It repeats the stories that were told in 1 Kings, leaving out the more interesting ones. But at least it doesn't begin with nine chapters of genealogies! The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .

First Chronicles is, by far, the most boring book in the Bible. It may, in fact, be the most boring book in all literature. The first nine chapters is a non-stop genealogy from Adam to David. And the remaining chapters are heavily redacted stories that were already told in the books of Samuel. The most interesting thing about First Chronicles is not what is in it, but what is left out. At the SAB'...

In this episode, God plans to bring so much evil on Jerusalem and Judah that it will make people's ears tingle. He says that he'll wipe Jerusalem as a man wipes a dish, wiping it and turning it upside down. This was all because King Manasseh was so darned wicked. But when Josiah became king of Judah, God went easy on him since he tore his clothes and his heart was tender. He also pleased God by ki...

This episode introduces the prophet Isaiah. He and God cure Hezekiah's boil with a lump of figs and make the sun go back ten degrees. And an angel of God kills 185,000 sleeping soldiers. The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .

In this episode, God gives leprosy to a king who didn't remove the high places, and he sent lions to kill people for not knowing or fearing him enough. The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .

Just before Elisha dies, he tells King Joash to shoot an arrow out the window and smite the ground with this arrows. Joash does as he's told and then Elisha dies. Why would Elisha ask him to do this? To find out, you'll need to listen to the episode or read the 13th chapter of Second Kings. Sometime after Elisha's death, a dead body touches Elisha's bones and comes to life. Not even Jesus could do...

Jehu continues his killings for God. He tells the Samarians to kill 70 of Ahab's sons and bring them to him their heads in two baskets. Then he kills all of Ahab's remaining family and friends. Next he kills 42 of Ahaziah's family. And finally he invites Baal's followers to worship Baal and then kills all of them. The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy...

In this episode, Jehu is made king and God tells him to kill everyone in Ahab's family that pisses against a wall. So he starts on that mission by killing Ahab's son, Jehoram, and Ahab's wife, Jezebel. The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .

In this episode, a skeptic is trampled, God sends a seven year famine, Elisha lies, and a king is smothered with a wet cloth. The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .

Elisha cures a Syrian captain's leprosy, then gives leprosy to his servant Gehazi and all of Gehazi's descendants. He also makes an axe head swim, blinds a Syrian army, shows that he has ESP, and sends a famine on Samaria. All in one episode that ends with these words: Behold, this evil is of the LORD The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider sup...

In this episode, Elisha makes a woman pregnant. Then when her son dies, he brings him back to life by laying on top of the dead boy's body, putting his mouth on his mouth, his eyes on his eyes, and his hands on his hands. And the boy's body waxed warm and sneezed seven times. The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patr...

In this episode, Elijah goes to heaven in a chariot of fire, and 42 children are ripped apart for making fun of Elisha's bald head. The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .

This is our shortest episode so far. Only a little over 6 minutes! But it's a fun story and a good start to the book of Second Kings. The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .

In this episode, Jezebel and Ahab falsely accuse a man of blasphemy so they can get his land after he is stoned to death. Then God sends Elijah to tell Ahab that God will punish him for it by killing all of his family who piss against the wall - feeding their dead bodies to birds and beasts. Meanwhile, God puts a lying spirit in prophets to convince Ahab to go to war so that he can be killed in ba...

In episode 137 (1 Kings 13), a lion kills a prophet for believing another prophet. In this episode, a lion kills a man for refusing to smite a prophet. So moral of the story it this: Don't believe a prophet if he tells you something, or smite him if he asks you to smite him, or God will send a lion to kill you (or something like that). The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If...

In this episode, Elijah is touched by an angel and eats some angel food cake, while God promises to kill everyone in Israel except for 7000. The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .

In this episode, Elijah invites 450 prophets of Baal to a prayer contest. Elijah wins and then kills the losers. The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .

In this episode Elijah brings a dead boy back to life by laying on top of the boy's body three times. The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .

Asa was one of the few kings that God approved of. In fact, the Bible says his "heart was perfect with the LORD all his days." What did he do that was so perfect? He expelled sodomites (homosexuals?) and destroyed idols. Baasha killed Jeroboam's and his family, leaving none that breaths, "according to the saying of the Lord." Then God killed Baasha and his family (leaving n...

In this episode, God tells a mother that he is going to kill her son for something his father (Jeroboam) did. And he's not going to just kill her son, but everyone in Jeroboam's family that "pisses against a wall." The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .

This is a story about God, two prophets, a donkey, and a lion. It's quite a story, but it's hard to summarize. So I recommend listening to the episode. The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .

The title includes a double double entendre. To find out what it means, you'll just have to listen to the episode. The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at Patreon.com/BFW .

In this episode, we learn about Solomon's family. He had 700 wives and 300 concubines - but only three children: two daughters and one son. The Bible doesn't say anything about his family life - except to say that his strange wives caused him (the wisest man who ever lived) to worship strange gods. The text and notes for this episode can be found here . If you enjoy these podcasts, consider suppor...