The Bible Abridged

While Moses is chatting with this burning plant that's apparently God in disguise, he learns a couple of neat tricks, like turning his walking stick into a snake and getting leprosy. He argues that even with these neat tricks, he still can't be the one that stands up to the Pharaoh (who was arguably the most powerful person in the world at that time) so God finally decides that Moses and...

A few generations after Joseph died, the Egyptians got really tired of the Hebrews being around. Instead of telling them to leave, they decided to force them into slavery... which didn't really solve the issue of them... still being there.  Well Pharaoh decided the best course of action was to start tossing Hebrew babies into their only fresh water source and wait until the problem just handl...

Israel and his 11 non-royal sons settle into the Ramses District of Egypt, named after Ramses who lived ~500 years after this story takes place. Israel meets Pharaoh and then nothing happens for 17 years. Finally Israel dies at the ripe old age of 147, but not before he sings a long song for his sons, cursing some, blessing some, and just saying weird nonsensical shit to others. After he dies, Jos...

After their food runs out, Judah convinces Israel to let them bring Israel's youngest son (and last surviving child of Rachel) down to Egypt. Israel begrudgingly agrees. Joseph frames the youngest son for stealing his favorite goblet and threatens to enslave all of his brothers. Well, he can't keep a straight face and cries and cries and cries and suddenly the whole Israel tribe lives in...

While in prison for attempted rape Joseph starts making friends, namely the warden and Pharaoh's cup-bearer. Somehow he interprets dreams all of a sudden and is able to predict an upcoming famine in Egypt and the surrounding area. Pharaoh is so impressed that he makes Joseph the second most powerful man in Egypt. Does Joseph use his new found power to fuck with his brothers who once sold him...

Joseph keeps talking shit to his 11 brothers until they finally beat him half to death, hogtie him, throw him in a cistern, and sell him into slavery. Onan pulls out instead of coming inside his brother's wife, so God straight up murders him on the spot. Judah accidentally knocks up his daughter-in-law... oops! 

Jacob returns to his homeland with his 12 children, 2 wives, slaves, and livestock in tow. He literally wrestles with God for hours and hours and fucking wins. He changes his name to Israel and his kid fucks one of his sex slaves. Oh... and some warlord's kid rapes his daughter. Listen and see how that worked out! Spoiler alert, everyone gets brutally murdered.

Drama heats up between Jacob's cousin wives and they start cranking children out and throwing sex slaves at him until all of a sudden he has twelve fucking children! After the birth of his youngest, Joseph, Jacob decides to get out of town. After a long con pays off that gives him all the best livestock, he flees... not very far away and Laban finds him easily. The two get drunk and make a tr...

Jacob (AKA Heel Grabber) pulls a weird swindle on his blind father by throwing goat skin on his arms and receiving his very stupid father's blessing reserved for his slightly older brother, Hairy. When Hairy discovers this, Old Heel Grabber runs off to hide out with their Uncle Laban, where he fell in love with his sexy cousin. After working for 7 goddamn years without pay in exchange for his...

As soon as Isaac was born and had his dick carved up, Sarah made sure that her slave and Abraham's first born son (that he raped into the slave) would be banished off into the desert. After almost being murdered by his father for no reason whatsoever, Isaac married a cousin of his and together they had twins. The first one was allegedly completely covered in hair from head to toe, so the name...

God sends two lovecraftrian creatures into Sodom and Gomorrah to check out the cities. After every single man in these two towns form a mob and tries to gang rape them to death, God decides to destroy the cities in a skin melting display of fire and brimstone. Only four people survive the initial blast... and then, after God randomly turns one of them into pillar of salt, three.  The three of them...

An old lady encourages her husband to rape her slave, he does, and then she is confused and angry that the slave wasn't happy about it. Abraham cooks a giant meal for God who's in his weirdest disguise to date, and then haggles the value of human life, while trying to convince God not to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah.

This episode, with the exception of the Tower of Babel, is mostly made up of obscure stories. We do get to learn the origin of slavery and also see the patriarch of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam pimp out his wife for some livestock and slaves. Fun times had by all!

Generations of people living to be hundreds and hundreds of years old come and go and suddenly there's Noah. At this point God is pissed off about all the fucking going on around him, as well as humankind's violent tendencies, and decides to slaughter every living creature on Earth... except Noah, his family, and around 50,000 animals he's somehow able to get on his boat. Humankind...

We begin at... the beginning, the Genesis, if you will. The first four chapters of Genesis to be exact.

The introduction and my explanation of why I decided to do this podcast.