The Bible Abridged

After many generations of useless and/or unremarkable Judean kings, we finally get to Hezekiah. Hezekiah bravely stood up to the ever growing Assyrian Empire even when they threatened his people that they'd be forced to eat their own shit and drink their own piss (which is my new favorite Bible verse, by the way.) Hezekiah didn't really do much, but the Angel of Death came out of retirem...

This episode covers a few of the lesser known kings of Israel and Judah and all of their notable accomplishment. Jehu killed a bunch of Ahaziah's family, including his mom, Queen Jezebel, before turning the Baal Zebub temple into a public toilet. Joash bribed the Arameans not to invade. Jehoahaz accomplished literally nothing. Jehoash shot an arrow out of a window. Only the most important stu...

Elisha heals a nearby General of leprosy only to have his army attack shortly there after. Elisha staves off this war for a while by making a bunch of soldiers go blind and then feeding them a succulent meal, but they eventually decide to attack again and lay siege to Samaria (which is part of Israel.) While Samaria was under siege, a donkey's head was selling for 2 pounds of silver and even...

After King Ahab dies, his son Ahaziah takes over, falls through a hole in the floor, and also dies. Elijah dries up the Jordan River for seemingly no reason and then gets swept up to heaven in a chariot made out of fire, leaving his protege Elisha in charge of... various prophet tasks.  Elisha's first  act as new prophet is to also dry up the Jordan River for no reason, purifying Jericho&apos...

King Ahab's wife Jezebel starts killing all the prophets of God in favor of her pagan religions, so Elijah decides to have a contest between himself and all of the pagan prophets for whose god can set a bull on fire. Elijah wins, kills all the pagan prophets, and then runs faster than a horse. When Jezebel finds out about this, she decides to kill him. Elijah gets out of town and appoints a n...

A bunch of kings came and went and Judah and Israel remained at war. Every king decided to try other gods out for size except Asa, who God rewarded with a lethal foot disease. Eventually a new guy named Elijah came around doing all kinds of weird shit like being fed by ravens, giving ladies endless flour, and doing... questionable things to raise children from the dead. 

Solomon's (exactly) 1,000 wives and concubines get him to cheat on God with other gods, even that one horrible god named Molek. This pissed God off and he decided to punish by making his empire fall apart after he died. When Rehoboam, Solomon's son, takes the reigns, he promises everyone that he's going to make their lives more miserable and their workload heavier than his father ha...

Solomon finished his temple and then decided to outdo the house he made for God by building himself an even crazier, fancier building. Taking 13 years to build and almost doubling the size of the crazy gold temple, Solomon's palace was just ridiculous. Once his palace was finished, he let God move into his temple and then they came to an agreement: Solomon and his descendants don't cheat...

David's oldest son, Adonijah, tries to take the throne upon his near death, but Nathan makes sure Solomon ends up king. The transfer of power was going smoothly until Adonijah asked Solomon if he could marry a little girl that David was sleeping alongside in his old age... yeah... weird. Solomon had his brother killed and then took to the job of being king... pretty well actually. He married...

David returns to Jerusalem after Absalom's death only to have another civil war break out immediately under a guy named Sheba. Joab took quick care of this. He met peacefully with Sheba, kissed him on the lips, grabbed his beard, and then sliced his belly open, spilling his intestines everywhere. When Joab approached Sheba's city of Abel Beth Maacah, Joab told a random old lady that if t...

David (having been overthrown by his very hairy and sexy son) was staying out in the wilderness a few miles from Jerusalem. He started making friends with the locals and he, alongside his loyalists, started building an army up, just in case Absalom decided to attack.  Absalom was too busy fucking all of his dad's sex slaves to notice at first, but eventually had his two advisors discuss wheth...

After Absalom's brother rapes their sister, he has him killed. David is upset about this for some reason and Absalom is banished out... like 10 miles away. David's General, Joab, convinces David to allow Absalom to return after a few years and that turns out to be a bit of mistake. Absalom, who had 5 pounds of hair and was therefore very sexy, starting gaining more and more popularity an...

When King David learned that their rival neighbors, who the Israelites had allegedly already wiped off the face of the Earth twice, the Ammonites, had lost their king, he decided to send a couple diplomats over to pay his respects. When the diplomats showed up, the Ammonite elders advised the new king that these men were most likely spies checking for any weaknesses, and they had no reason to beli...

As soon as General Abner died, two raider gang leaders decided to regicide Ish-Bosheth, making Israel temporarily king-less. Soon after, however, they all swore allediance to King David and poured oil all over his head. David thanked the raiders by cutting off their heads and feet and hanging their bodies up by his swimming pool. David wasted no time and started fucking and killing as much as he c...

News comes to David that Saul and Jonathan are dead. David tears his clothes off, mourns, has the messenger killed, sings a song for them, and then returns to Hebron in Judah. Upon arrival in Judah, oil is dumped all over his head and word spreads around that Oily Dave, as they called him, was now the king. Unfortunately, Saul's old General, Abner, had declared Saul's son Ish-Bosheth to...

David flees Saul once again, going to live near Gath with all his loyal soldiers. They raid villages and kill everyone inside from time to time, because they're the good guys in this story. Meanwhile, The Philistine armies all join forces to invade Israel. Saul finds the one medium he didn't have killed and asks her to bring Samuel's spirit up so he can get some advice. Samuel tells...

Saul chased David all over creation (or the land they thought was all of creation, but in reality it was like the size of Rhode Island.) When Saul finally caught up to him, the Philistines invaded. After Saul sent them packing he went and tracked David down to the Crags of the Wild Goats where he decided to go shit in a cave. David snuck up to him while he was shitting and cut part of his robe off...

David continues to hide from Saul as Saul continues to hunt for him. Jonathan, not convinced his dad would be such an asshole as to kill his most loyal soldier for no reason whatsoever, agreed to go and run an experiment to see if that was actually the case. Next time he spoke to his father, he almost murdered him while flying into a blind rage over David. Jonathan was now convinced. David, fled t...

After David killed Goliath, Saul's son, Jonathan, fell in love with him and they may or may not have totally banged. It's not written. What is written is that for no reason whatsoever, God decided to send an evil spirit to possess Saul and make him obsessed with killing David? Why did God do this? No fucking idea. After collecting 200 dick carvings for him and marrying his daughter, Mich...

Samuel went and found a guy named Jesse and poured olive oil all over his youngest son's head. At the same time, there was a scary Philistine who stood almost ten feet tall (if the story is to be believed, which it isn't.) David, with his new confidence and skills he'd learned fighting bears and lions, decided to go and slay this giant Philistine (whose name was Goliath.) King Saul...

Saul finds himself being inept at leading, mostly because he keeps pissing God off by not being super meticulous with how he kills animals and sets them on fire. This causes Israel to be conquered by the Philistines once again until Saul's son Jonathan stirs up enough trouble to liberate them again. Saul then is tasked with murdering an entire group of people called the Amalekites, but spares...

Samuel and God bitch about how much the Israelites don't appreciate them or their broken system and finally decide to appoint a king. Samuel finds a sexy Benjamite named Saul, who's handsome and tall. Yes this Saul has it all. As long as all you are looking for is sexiness. Saul begins his reign as king and so far he does a pretty good job. He saved a lot of people from getting their eye...

A young woman named Hannah is so desperate to have a baby that she swears that if she could just give birth, she'll give the baby right over to the priest and he can raise him.  Once this baby has grown into a man (or at least boy) the corruption and incompetence of the current priest's family starts to show. Also they lost the Ark of the Covenant! Will they get it back? Give it a listen...

After the unpleasantness of the end of Judges, a famine struck Judah and a bunch of people were forced to flee. One of these ladies, Naomi, left with her husband and two sons. Her sons married women named Orpah and Ruth and... every male character died. Orpah, not wanting to wait for Naomi to pump out another boy and wait for him to grow up to be of fucking age, decided to leave to find a new husb...

After Samson died, the whole region of Israel fell into complete chaos. The descendants of Dan started raiding villages and eventually took over a part of Ephraim, the Benjamites were fighting and killing for their right to rape women to death, women  were being kidnapped all over the place, and everything was just awful. That's it. That's the whole story. Things were awful.