The Bible Abridged

Samson is arrested by 1,000 soldiers for his crime of murdering several dozen people. He agrees to go peacefully at first, but then God decides to fill him with a blood rage that makes him beat all 1,000 soldiers to death with a donkey's jawbone. He wanders around, fucking sex workers and killing Philistine soldier who try and arrest him, until he's finally betrayed by his new love, Deli...

A woman has a son after years of trying and due to the advice of an angel, can never cut his hair. This young man grows up to be freakishly strong and even more emotionally unstable. After somehow getting his parent's blessing to marry a Philistine woman, Samson makes a bizarre bet based off a poem he wrote in his head after tearing a lion in half with his bare fucking hands and then eating s...

After the death of Gideon we see his 70 (yes, fucking SEVENTY) sons fight for power leading to the rise of Abimelek...  and then the fall of Abimelek shortly afterwards. Following him are a few other leaders who didn't do much and then Jephthah who set his own daughter on fire to make God happy. Jephthah also heroically murdered tens of thousands of members of a local tribe called Ephraim bec...

This episode starts with Deborah's song, which is all about what we just went over last episode as well as saying that the victory in the last battle gave every Israelite man two sex slaves and every Israelite woman some colorful garments. 40 uneventful years pass and Israel gets conquered again; this time by the Midianites, who they supposedly had already wiped off the face of the Earth in e...

After Joshua died, there wasn't a clear ruler of the nation of Israel. God appointed, or  more likely, they themselves appointed, the Tribe of Judah to lead charges into battle, but the need for war was slowing down. After cutting Adoni Bezek's thumbs and big toes off, the Israelites started to settle into their new home. Then they continuously got conquered, rose up, freed themselves an...

Joshua heroically sweeps through several more cities, killing every single person inside (including the children) before he has a new idea; he decides to be even more cruel and starts slashing the hamstrings of the horses of the people he killed. Why did he do this? What possible reason could there be to fuck up a horse AFTER you've already killed the person it belongs to? Well, God told him...

After Jericho, Joshua set his sights on the nearby city of Ai. But since one of his soldiers at Jericho kept a few things for himself, God decided to punish the OTHER soldiers who were invading Ai, resulting in all 3,000 of them dying. After this man was exposed, stoned to death, and set on fire, Joshua re-did the invasion of Ai, with over 10 times the amount of troops as the first run. They kille...

Joshua sends a couple of spies across the Jordan to investigate the city of Jericho. The city that had the tallest skyscraper of its time at a whopping 28 feet tall.  They spent all their time with a cool sex worker named Rahab and she kept them safe from the city guards in exchange for them sparing her and her whole family as they slaughter the rest of the city. When the spies returned, they deci...

Moses was racing against time here to get all of his rules written down before he dies so there really isn't a lot of logic here in how they come out. But they do clarify on a few things, like what to do if your wife grabs the dick of another man to protect you while you're in a fight (you cut her hand off.) They also tell you what to do if you rape someone who hasn't been pledged t...

Moses is on his way out, after 40 years of wandering around the desert. So he starts making sure people remember the stuff he's been saying over the last 40 years (the stuff that's already written in other books and we've already gone over.) He also reminds us that, "If anyone decides they want to worship another god, or even something tangible, like the moon? Kill them. Unless...

Deuteronomy picks up in year 40 of wandering around in the desert. Last episode we left them around year two or three... so there's a bit of a gap there. Moses tries to fill it in, but it's mostly just a lot of wandering, killing, enslaving, and not much else. In this episode we're right on the shores of the Jordan River and everyone here is just waiting for Moses to die so they can...

This episode starts off with Balaam refusing to curse the soon to be invading Israelite army because he just happens to have the same god as them ... somehow. It doesn't end well for him in that he's actually murdered by said invading Israelite army. Why did the Israelite army attack in the first place, other than that just being their MO back then? Well some Israelite man had the gall t...

As they approach the promised land, Moses fucks up by doing something slightly differently than God told him to, then God sends snakes to poison people for complaining before giving Moses a weird fucking solution for the problem. The the Israelites wipe out a few cities and slaughter every man, woman, and child within. And finally, we have a talking donkey!

Under the advice of either Jethro or God, Moses decided to count all the Israelites... well not the women... or the Levites... so SOME of the Israelites. After counting them, Moses comes up with a fool proof way to cause adulterous women to miscarry and then sends spies to the Promised Land in hopes of invading. The spies say the invasion isn't a good idea because the residents are gigantic a...

Moses lays down the rules for anyone with damaged testicles, pus leaking infected wounds, hunchbacks, deaf people, blind people, and any other people with any kind of "defect"... they're not allowed anywhere near anything being offered to God or anywhere God likes to hang out. Because they disgust God... even though he's the one who made them that way. They also tell you when y...

While wandering around aimlessly in the desert, Moses suddenly got really angry about how people were fucking and decided to put an end to it. He suddenly decided that among a lot of other things, incest was no longer allowed, nor was male-on-male fucking, nor was sacrificing your grandchildren to this other god named Malek or Moloch. He also decided that the penalty for most of these crimes shoul...

Moses keeps on cranking out the rules. Some are good logical rules, like, "Don't eat rotting flesh you find in the wildness." Some are super sexist, like, "If you give birth to a girl, you're unclean twice as long as if you give birth to a boy" & "After your period ends, you have to murder a pigeon to atone for the sin of having your period." Some of the...

This episode is the first part of Leviticus! Unfortunately, the majority of Leviticus is jut super pedantic rules listed over and over and over, but luckily there's some thrilling stories in here! Like the time God killed Aaron's two oldest sons for no reason and Moses wouldn't allow Aaron's family to mourn them! Or the time Moses started a fire and it burned an animal! Excitin...

While Moses is up on the mountain talking to an increasingly insane God, the Israelites decide that they've been abandoned and decide to create a new, chiller god to worship. Aaron takes all of their golden earrings and, through the skills he apparently had as a gold smith, created a pure gold statue of a calf. The Israelites enjoyed this new God who didn't give them rules or kill them f...

God couldn't seem to stop giving commandments and starting making all kinds of rules about when it's okay to kill someone (quite often, as it turns out), when you need to make a human sacrifice to him (yep! It's in there!), and what happens when you dig a hole and a donkey falls in that hole. Relevant stuff. He also commissions a couple fancy things built for himself, one being the...

After they wander in the desert for a while, they come across Mount Sinai and decide to make camp at the base of the mountain. God, being a physical being apparently, decided to camp out on the top of the mountain... but only Moses was allowed to visit him. While up here, God gave Moses ten commandments for everyone to follow... and then he gave him a bunch more.

As all the Israelites celebrated the drowning of thousands and thousands of soldiers, whose corpses were washing up on the shores, Moses and his sister Miriam wrote a hit song. And then things took a turn for the worse.  Anyone with Google, could see that the journey from the eastern shores of the Red Sea to Israel, would take maybe 200 hours at most, turned into a much longer journey. They would...

After God murdered every first born male in Egypt, Pharaoh decided he had had enough. He summoned Moses and Aaron and told them to get the fuck out of Egypt. Moses quickly went and dug up Joseph's bones for some reason and led the 600,000 men and unspecified amount of women and children out of Egypt. On the way out, he gave them more rules to follow along with giving them the go ahead to tota...

After God continued to fuck with freewill by making Pharaoh unable to care, not only for the Hebrews who wanted to be free, but also his own people, God continued to punish him with more plagues. First came boils, then hail, then locusts, then darkness, until finally he decided to straight up murder every first born son in Egypt. The Hebrews who wanted to avoid losing their first born sons had to...

Moses and Aaron bring out the big guns on Pharaoh while making their demands. Aaron turns his staff into a snake. Moses turns all the water in Egypt into blood, plagues the land with frogs, gnats, and flies, and then kills all the Egyptian livestock.