The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya

Once upon a time in a magical far-off land, Trixie Mattel, the undisputed Royal Duchess of Drag, believed herself to be best friends with Maria Bamford, the realm's undeniable Queen of Comedy. Having followed her through every enchanted television program and neighborhood comedy special, the parasocial relationship grew and grew like a magical beanstalk. Although Trixie had adored her from afar fo...

Dim the lights, dear podcast friends, and settle in for a delightful tale. In a world where no cohesive thought process exists for long, two drag queens sat before their microphones in a Pepto-Bismol-hued studio and caused such merry confusion that even the producer could not help but guffaw. In this colorful void, the queens told their listeners about a secret Patreon kingdom filled with bonus ta...

Once upon a Silver Lake lanai, beneath a moon so bright it seemed personally sponsored by comradery and friendship, Dame Trixie Mattel met Emmy-nominated comedian and actor Robby Hoffman, and before the iced drinks could sweat through their cocktail napkins, a legendary best-friendship was born. In this episode of The Bald and the Beautiful, Trixie sits down with Robby to trace the wildly improbab...

Take notice, patrons of both the curious and mechanically marvelous! Two celebrated drag-queen automatons seated in comfy chairs, shall speak herein for approximately one hour via the mysterious ventriloquial arts! These painted wooden belles, done up in theatrical fashion, shall hold forth upon their recent engagements as musical jockeys of the gramophone disc, hospital patients for grievous inte...

Upon the pale and trembling threshold of a Beverly Hills hospital bed, where machines blinked like tiny frigid stars and the kingdom of Katya's body had been besieged by a cruel and venomous gastrointestinal blockade, our weary hero lay suspended between breath and utter oblivion. Death itself dared to come near, draped in her midnight robes, whispering with a grave and ancient confidence that the...

Like a velvet-cloaked goth privateer, Kelly Mantle strode into the podcast studio this week and set her microphone ablaze as if forged by fire in a glamorous volcano. With every story, Kelly summoned tempests of danger, glittering betrayal, and show-business Madonna-tinged treasure until the walls trembled like the hull of a ship under cannon fire. Somewhere amidst the madness, the strange legend...

To properly record and master this episode featuring acclaimed music producer and Drag Race Rusical songwriting and composing legend Leland, first establish a controlled conversational environment in which wit, glamour, and industry expertise operate at optimal levels. Once the guest is securely introduced, permit Leland to provide calibrated insight into the mechanics of songwriting, DJing, and m...

Once upon a time, today's exceptionally iridescent guest was twilight-blue and hidden behind a cloak of pastel azure. Now that cerulean shell has loosened, revealing shades of the full spectrum long hidden. Emerging like a butterfly from the secret cathedral of her cyan cocoon, Juno Birch arises splendid and majestic, opening her wings in a pageant of sunlit defiance and pride. Also, she tells a h...

The city of Burbank was sweating secrets, and somewhere beneath the flicker of a dying neon sign, IMHO: The Podcast's Darby Lynn Cartwright & Alexis Bevels were cooking up a scheme with Katya’s name written all over it. Their plan was simple, dirty, and dressed in bad lighting: remove Katya from the equation and slide into The Bald and the Beautiful like two dames with alibis and microphones. Trix...

In today's class, myriad topics of interest and erudition will be covered, but first we shall crack open Miss Act's Rules of Grace and Refinement Vol. 1, beginning with the phrase, “Are you keen?” The word 'keen' derives its romantic force from the ancient adjective meaning 'eager' or 'interested'. By the twentieth century, however, especially in colloquial British vernacular, “keen on” had become...

Ladies and gentlemen, as we taxi to the gate we'd like to thank you for choosing Bald Airlines, where every seat is first class and includes botox, estate planning, legally-binding mortuary consultation, a yacht sommelier, and a complimentary Fabergé pelvic floor egg. Please take a moment to check your overhead bins for any personal belongings, and don't forget to take your live harpist with you a...

According to the newly-published Schaal-Zamo Compendium of Physiological Sex Stuff, "Bricked" (or "Briqued" as it is colloquially known for females) is a coordinated bio-psycho-physiologic process involving cognition, limbic activation, involuntary nervous response, and extremely localized arousal of genital tissues, primarily with, but not limited to, the Pee Pee and the Vee Vee. In males, nitric...

Premiering this Summer off off off Broadway, it's "Bobby & the Ice Queens"! From a fired usher at "Spider Man: Turn Off the Dark" comes the glitter-drenched fever dream no sane theater critic saw coming: a disco-soaked, high-kicking spectacle about Robert Khennady Jr., a wealthy socialite from a famous family by day, a debaucherous nose-candy-sniffing creature by night! Bobby tears through the 70s...

Dearest esteemed leadership of the National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences. We respectfully and fervently request the honor of serving as presenters for the Lead Actress category during the primetime telecast of the 2027 Emmy Awards: roles for which we have physically, cosmetically, and emotionally been preparing for our entire lives. Given the extraordinary performances from Lisa Kudrow...

What you are about to hear is the absolute apex of what humanity has frequently referred to as "joy." The following sixty-ish minutes of audio and video are a glorious, overflowing symphony of happiness so immense it almost seems too dazzling for this earthly plane. It is delight at its most majestic and uncontained, brimming with an ecstatic brightness that will make every corner of your spirit f...

Ms. Trixie Mattel and Ms. Katya Zamo kindly request the distinguished honor of your presence at their most magnificent nuptial celebration, where the theme shall be "Baroque Techno Jurassic Gothic Cyborg Barbie Vampire." It will be held at the abandoned Hawthorne Plaza Mall in Hawthorne, CA, where the decor shall scream "gilded ruin of Baroque splendor where pink-hued creatures of the night have m...

If you thought oatmeal recipes couldn't be sensual, you'd be dead wrong. Dim the lights, burn that bergamot arousal candle from your cousin's bachelorette party, and bring 1 cup of steel-cut oats to a slow, smoldering simmer in 4 cups of creamy, luscious whole milk. Add just a pinch of sea salt, and let the ingredients relax into a luscious, velvet-thick porridge so opulent it's no wonder this rec...

Welcome back to another motherflocking, cockadoodle, son-of-a-biscuit episode of The Bald and the Beautiful, where our dolls yap their pretty little ash-offs about fame, folly, and every half-baked batshirt thought that ricochets around in their glamorous skull caverns. Listen as every ding-dang topic gets dragged through the glittery mud by two world-class gobshites armed with surgically-hilariou...

You are cordially invited to attend a most distinguished yet eminently fake wake in honor of Trixie Mattel and Katya Zamolodchikova, the undisputed queens of chaos, podcasts, and mirth. We shall convene in a chapel that smells faintly of Red Bull, stale makeup, and air conditioner refrigerant. Guests will enjoy a program of refined absurdities including a dramatic reading of Whitney Houston's 2001...

I am the ring that no laurels adorn,A puckered little star at the edge of the form. No medals are pinned to my tireless skin,Yet I toil and labor each day, all from within. Through tempests of spice and fast food you regret,The burdens the rest of the body forgets. I clench through trials both noble and dire,An unsung sentinel forged in fire. But even the steadfast may weary and ache,May whisper,...

In the majestic kingdom of sleep where the heavens are transformed into a silken washhouse of torrential storms, the clouds are wrung dry by invisible hands while heinous blonde flamingos are carried off to a prison of unimaginable cruelty. As flocks of braying geese vanish and reappear as if by magic, I open my body into impossible splits and liquid arcs of dance so resplendent that the very air...

Wake up and put on your nicest wiglet, Deborah! The sun is shining and it's time to head on down to The Bald & The Breakfast, Weho's newest morning hotspot where Trixie and Katya are slinging eggs, flipping griddles, and brioch-ing the eff out of French Toast! Sink your teeth into our signature dishes: cinnamon-glazed Benedict CumberBuns, Morning Wood-Smoked Turkey Sausage, and Katya's famous Mapl...

Dear Dr. Whiffenschtuppel, I write to you this day to express my deepest gratitude for changing my life. Long ago, I remember staring at my banana on the kitchen counter, bruised and drooping with despair; a perfect reflection of my life before Bocox. Every day felt soft, sad, and permanently past its prime. I meandered through my days burdened with shame and grief, wondering how something once so...

This week's episode is presented by Hollywood's premier foot feminization service, "From Hooves to Haute." With our patented treatment derived from centuries of Icelandic foot worship, our clinicians will transform your neglected feet from beige, flaky oatmeal buckets with fossilized Fritos for toenails into the epitome of luminous symmetry. We'll erase that eye-watering aroma of gangrene at low-t...

Our beloved listeners and wayward souls, we write to you from the glittery halls of memory, where two hundred and fifty episodes now flutter like sequined gowns on a brightly-lit stage of times past. Our hearts are heavy with laughter, saturated with love, and perfumed by a joyous feeling so thick you could spread it like Marmite on toast. Each episode was a bejeweled hour of gossip and grace, whe...