The Baffling Behavior Show {Parenting after Trauma}

Sometimes you share something about the brain—like how all behavior makes sense—and people push back hard. Maybe they dismiss it. Maybe they even get mad. It can feel confusing, because once you see the truth of relational neuroscience, it feels like such a relief. So why are some folks so resistant? In this episode, you’ll learn: Why resistance is often the nervous system’s way of protecting from...

Sometimes, your kids can handle frustration or disappointment with ease, and other times the exact same challenge sends them into meltdown mode. This can feel really baffling! Why are they so inconsistent? Well, part of that difference comes down to their window of stress tolerance . In this episode, you’ll learn What the window of stress tolerance is and how it connects to your child’s Owl, Watch...

Have you ever smiled while you were seething inside? Or told your child “it’s fine” when it absolutely wasn’t? That mismatch (incongruent affect, we’re gonna talk psychology mumbo jumbo) isn’t just confusing. It’s a cue of danger- to your child’s nervous system AND to yours! In this episode, you’ll learn: Why kids are biologically wired to trust their caregivers and what happens when their neuroce...

Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors turned TWO! 🥳 So, we’re having a party right here on the podcast. Parties have gifts, so I’m offering three “gifts” for you- a little help around three behaviors that are still SO BAFFLING! In this episode, you’ll learn: Why regression (aka “acting like a toddler”) is actually a sign of your child’s nervous system falling down the protection mode pathway,...

Understanding behavior helps us actually solve the problem, leads to compassion, and actually helps behavior to change, but first we must understand why we are so afraid that understanding behaviors means we are excusing "bad" behaviors. In this episode, you’ll learn: The difference between understanding behavior and excusing behavior Why understanding behavior is important What are our...

Parents aren’t the only ones providing co-regulation — we need it too. In fact, connection is a biological imperative for every nervous system, including yours. When you’re raising kids with big, baffling behaviors, the imbalance in reciprocity can be exhausting, isolating, and even grief-inducing. But here’s the truth: you don’t have to do this alone, and there are real, meaningful ways to find t...

Your child’s behavior isn’t telling you the whole story. Their behavior is telling you just the story their nervous system is writing in that moment. This week, let’s continue my deep dive into my conversation with Deb Dana (episode 233), exploring how polyvagal theory offers us the hope of rewriting the nervous system story.  We’re going to talk about the power of believing our children when they...

Parenting kids with vulnerable nervous systems often means that parents and caregivers are living in a state of chronic chaos and danger. Even if the behaviors aren’t ‘that bad,’ it’s dysregulating to live with someone in chronic protection mode.  In this episode, I take a closer look at how polyvagal theory helps us understand the nervous system’s longing for safety—even when life feels overwhelm...

What if dysregulation isn’t the problem?  I know I know- that’s really hard to wrap our brain around! At least, it was for me.  In this episode, I continue the conversation from last week’s interview with Deb Dana and take a deeper dive into one of her most powerful insights: that dysregulation is simply part of being human—and it’s the absence of repair that becomes the real challenge. But I thin...

Polyvagal theory isn’t just a theory- it’s a way of living that can transform how we show up for our kids, ourselves, and everyone around us. I’m SOOOO excited to introduce you to Deb Dana! Together, we explore how understanding our nervous systems brings hope, deepens connection, and makes repair possible even in the messiest moments. In this episode you’ll learn: Why polyvagal theory is truly a...

When kids swear, it often feels jarring, disrespectful, or even threatening. But swearing isn’t about defiance or being a bad kid- it’s a clue about the state of your child’s nervous system. Swearing might mean your child is overwhelmed, dysregulated, or struggling to find their real voice.  Of course, understanding the behavior isn’t excusing the behavior. BUT! When we understand where the behavi...

I’m so excited to introduce you to someone who has deeply influenced my work- Deb Wesselmann! Deb is a pioneer in integrating EMDR therapy with family therapy for children with early attachment trauma. In this episode, we chat about how Deb (and her colleagues) developed her attachment-focused EMDR model, why slow bilateral stimulation is so effective for complex trauma, and what it really means t...

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) isn’t about being overly sensitive. It’s about a nervous system that experiences rejection as danger. In this episode, I explore RSD through the lens of relational neuroscience, attachment, memory, and regulation. Whether you see this in yourself or your child, this episode will help you understand why rejection feels so big, and what actually helps. In this e...

Healing comes in all forms, including on farms, with horses, and of course, in relationship. My guest this week, Sara Sherman, is a graduate of the Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s Professional Immersion Program and the founder of Dandelion NeuroRelational Family Services in Minnesota. Sara and I have a delightful chat about what it means to bring relational healing to kids and families and...

{Replay of Episode 169 from March 2024} Parenting with co-regulating and seeing below our kids behaviors is actually a privilege we rarely talk about. It’s always a privilege, but especially when we consider different marginalized and oppressed identities that a lot of kids- and those of you listening- intersectionally hold.  In this episode, you’ll learn The definition of privilege (it is NOT a c...

What do you do when your child lives part-time in a home where regulation, connection, and felt safety aren't present? In this episode, I talk with Sybil Cummin, a therapist specializing in working with families navigating coercive control. Sybil shares practical guidance for showing up as a steady, safe presence for your child, even when the other parent’s home feels unpredictable or unsafe....

Part of why you keep listening to this podcast is for parenting tools and strategies, right?? So, what do we do when it feels like nothing is working?! What’s really going on when parenting tools feel useless and you want to shout “THIS ISN’T WORKING?! In this episode, you’ll learn: Why parenting tools “work” when they come from connection, not protection What to ask yourself when it seems like no...

I know- sometimes it feels impossible to feel delight toward your child. I get it!  BUT! If you can find even micro-moments of delight, it can be very powerful for both you and your child.  In this episode, you'll learn: How is delight related to secure attachment The science behind why it’s sometimes very hard to find delight in kids with vulnerable nervous systems  How to intentionally look...

When your child’s behavior leaves you feeling confused, frustrated, or even hopeless, staying curious might be the last thing on your mind.  But curiosity is actually SO COOL! It’s both a parenting strategy AND a nervous system state.  In this episode, we’ll explore how to access curiosity, even when behavior makes no sense, and how that curiosity helps us find the path forward. In this episode, y...

When you're dealing with whining, hitting, defiance, back talk…well, of course you want it to stop. But what if behavior change isn’t actually the place to start? Not for long-term behavior change, at least.  In this episode, I explore why behavior change does matter, but why it’s not the first goal, especially for kids with vulnerable nervous systems. HEADS UP! I’m not necessarily asking YOU...

Have you ever freaked out at your child and then later thought, “Where did that come from?” Yup, that’s being triggered! In this episode, we’ll unpack the neuroscience behind why we get triggered, what memory processing has to do with it, and how to find your way back to presence and connection. In this episode, you’ll learn: The anatomy of a trigger What’s actually happening in your brain when th...

Why do kids sometimes - or a lot of the time! - suddenly act much younger…or sneakier?! In this episode, we use Dr. Bruce Perry’s concept of state-dependent functioning to reframe some of the baffling behaviors as signs of stress, not signs of defiance. If you want to dive deeper into this topic, join us over in The Club. In June 2025, we’re having a masterclass all about behaviors and state depen...

Could you use a short refresher about what I mean when I say your child’s "owl brain flew away"? Or do yoRu know someone who is willing to listen to a short explanation of how you’re approaching your child’s baffling behaviors? In this episode, I revisit - briefly- what behavior really is and the owl, watchdog, and possum brain metaphor. I explain why it's such a helpful way to unde...

If you’ve clicked on this episode because you’re feeling like you're failing—at parenting, at keeping it together, at helping your child—I'm really glad you’re here. Because first, I want you to know this: you’re not failing. You’re doing something incredibly hard. Parenting a child with a vulnerable nervous system, whether your child has been impacted by trauma, or has sensory differenc...

If your kid refuses therapy, what other options are there? Or maybe they don’t refuse therapy, but you’d still like to increase the therapeutic support for your child and family. Here are 20 different non-therapy therapeutic supports based on Dr. Perry’s work of ‘moments of healing’ and experiences that are rhythmic, repetitive, relational, and somatosensory Over on my website, you can download a...