The Baffling Behavior Show {Parenting after Trauma}

We all need co-regulation. Me.  You. When our kids are getting dysregulated quickly, flipping their lids a lot, or having mountain reactions out of mole-hill sized problems, what they need is more connection and co-regulation. This is true for grown-ups, too! There is nothing wrong with you because you flip your lid.  Your not a bad parent.  You don't need to doubt your integrity.  You want t...

I'm so pleased to introduce you to Karen Buckwalter!  She is out in the world doing amazing things to support the families of kids impacted by trauma, including training up new clinicians as a Theraplay trainer and consultant, writing books for both therapists (Attachment Theory in Action) and parents (Raising the Challenging Child), and interviewing guests who are at the top of our field on...

Parents of kids with a history of relational and complex trauma are some of the loneliness people I’ve ever known. The loneliness of parenting becomes compounded when the loneliness isn’t seen. The loneliness is traumatic.  It leaves an imprint on our spirits that wreaks havoc on our health (physical and mental) and our relationships (with others, and with ourself). Undoing aloneness is one of the...

Jessica Sinarski stays very busy making an impact wherever she can.  Jessica trains educators, parents, and professionals- helping them move beyond trauma informed.  Jessica is the founder of Brave Brains, an organization that provides resources and education for professionals, and is the author of two amazing children's books.  Jessica has a lot of ways she's impacting the world and we...

Or mad? Or scared? Or overwhelmed? Or shut-down? Why do I make a mountain out of a mole hill?  Why can’t I keep it together?   Being ignored (or yelled at or cussed at or disrespected or refusing to eat or do a chore or or or or the list is endless) is never going to feel good.  But- have you ever wondered why your brain goes into full on attacking watch dog mode when the reality is- refusing to d...

Hang on...today's episode is waaaaay different.   I wanted to feel more connected to you.  So I started with inviting you to feel more connected to me.  I asked my dear friend Anne- author, writing coach, and adoptee, to interview ME. I gave her no rules, no script, and no agenda except that I wanted you to get to know me better. We walk down a little of different paths together in this episo...

Connection.  Empathizing.  Offering choices.  These parenting ideas sound good in theory but if you are living with a child who seems chronically angry or won’t get out of bed or is otherwise pretty much always unhappy or dysregulated- none of those parenting suggestions seem to do much good.  So…what should you do instead??? This episode takes you through the three places I always recommend paren...

Felt-safety is an important, yet commonly misunderstood part of parenting a child impacted by trauma (well really, parenting any child or being in any relationship, but we are talking about parenting kids impacted by trauma here). So- what even is felt-safety?  Why does it matter?  And how do we offer it to our children?  I'll answer these question in this podcast!   If you work with the pare...

It's hard to write a summary of this episode because it is so rich with goodness. Mark Vatsaas is a dad and parent coach for parents of kids with challenging behaviors.  He's compassionate, clear, articulate, and has a knack for seeing straight through to the heart of the manner (that's my observation of him!!) There are so many brilliant sound bytes in this episode.  It's long...

Lying is probably the behavior parents seek support with the most.  It's confusing.  It's triggering.  It's exhausting.  Did you catch last week's episode on X Ray Vision Goggles?  We can use those goggles to get underneath the lying so we can respond in ways that actually sets the boundary and increases the possibility of helping our children developing more socially and relat...

My first podcast interview!!!  And I tell you what- I chose wisely :)  Eileen is a gem and you'll adore her. Eileen is a social worker and parent coach for parents of kids with brain-based difference that have challenging behavioral symptoms.  AWESOME, right? Over the years, Eileen has become a good friend and close colleague.  She is doing life-changing work with the families who work with h...

Hear me out....If I were in charge of giving out superpowers for parents, especially parents of kids with a history of trauma, I'd give you x-ray vision. Attachment research is clear about the power of x-ray vision (except they call is reflective functioning and mentalizing).  It is a powerful ingredient of secure attachment. In today's episode we will explore what kinds of things x-ray...

What if I told you the science is very clear- that our kids do not need perfect parents.  Not only that, but perfect parenting would be bad for them! It might seem great in theory if we could always meet our kids needs.  It might sound great in theory if someone else could always meet our needs!  But when a relationship has a rupture- the next thing that can happen is the repair. Repair is like dr...

You've heard me say "Changing How We See People Changes People."  Let's talk about how I know this is true.  It helps us understand why understanding the theory is a 'technique' and why staying regulated 'is a technique' that creates real, true change.  We come to know who we are through the eyes of the other.  Let's teach our children they are precious...

How do we not flip our lids when our kids are going bananas?  It's HARD.  Because dysregulation is quite literally contagious!!  And if we flip our lids too then it's usually pretty hard to deescalate the situation.   Offering connection, regulation, and felt-safety to our kids is a lot easier if we don't flip our lids! (Although for sure- perfection in parenting is never ever ever...

Self-regulation is a crucial developmental milestone and I’m thrilled that we are turning our eyes toward self-regulation instead of staying focused on behavior modification through rewards and consequences.  At the same time, we must remember that self-regulation is developed through repeated and regular experiences of co-regulation with an attuned, regulated, present caregiver.  If children are...

I love love love talking about self-compassion for two main reasons.  #1- Self-Compassion is solidly anchored in the relational neurosciences- and you know how much I love...and need...for things to be anchored in science.  #2- Self-compassion has tenacity.  There's no way out.  Self-compassion has an answer for all your reasons why you aren't worthy of self-compassion.  I love that abou...

The brain has two modes- connection or protection. Protective behaviors include opposition, defiance, aggression- basically, any behavior that doesn't invite connection. If we want to help shift our children's oppositional behaviors, we must first help their brain shift out of protection and into protection! This episode was re-recorded on 02/13/2026 You can read more on my blog: robyngo...

In a word...EVERYTHING. I talk about regulation constantly.  So let's take a moment (or 25 minutes) and really define what that even is. This episode defines regulation and then defines why it even matters. When we can see how regulation is underneath behavior challenges, we can prioritize supporting regulation and not just stopping a behavior.  This leads to long-term change, not just a shor...

OOOOH...y'all are in for such a treat because Anne is just that.  A treat.  Anne is an author, writing coach, and adoptee.  Her memoir, "You Don't Look Adopted" is pure gold.  It's heart-wrenching and funny and raw and life-changing.  You should read it. But first listen to our little conversation today about the importance of figuring out how to say the unsayable.  The th...

The key to true, long-lasting behavior change is actually to stop focusing on behaviors.  Stop trying to change them.  Stop the charts.  Stop the behavior modification.  Stop the rewards. Stop the punishments. Read that again.  How does that feel?  Like a relief?  Like terror?? Both? Staying focused on behaviors, rewards, consequences, charts, stickers….it’s all just so exhausting.  It’s exhaustin...

There is no such thing as maladaptive. No. Behavior. Is. Maladaptive. Sure, there are LOTS of behaviors that have pretty big negative consequences…for ourselves and others. But the way the human mind is so brilliantly working all the time leaves me with an unwillingness to negotiate the truth that all behavior is adaptive. This core, unwavering belief creates my personal and professional foundatio...

Welcome!! Parenting after Trauma is the most spontaneous, least frills podcast on parenting children who have experienced trauma.   In November 2020, I started doing Facebook Lives so I could quickly and easily connect with parents struggling to raise children who have experienced trauma.  Almost immediately I realized I could turn the audios from those Lives into podcast episodes!  I know I would...

Brain-based parenting with connection and coregulation doesn’t mean boundary-less parenting. In fact, if you are parenting a child who is a little delayed with regard to developing self-regulation, this type of parenting actually means MORE boundaries. But boundaries aren’t consequences or punishments. Boundaries are the supports your child needs to be successful. It’s a little like toddler proofi...