Tell Me How You're Mighty: Real Talk About Cheating

In this episode we hear about all the imponderable things cheaters wanted in the breakup. Not real estate, or children, or sentimental items. But weird stuff, like flooring tiles they'll never use. Or that book on West Virginia coal mining. Or your grandmother's dining room set. Is it spite? Are they clueless? Tracy and Sarah react to your many submissions.  

In this short episode, Tracy and Sarah respond to a letter from a woman who's husband was astounded that after decades of marriage she left him. He was a church deacon, a Jesus cheater, with a double life. As she left, he told her "I thought you'd fight harder for me."

Keeping on the theme of good people, we asked listeners who helped them get through infidelity? Who was their guiding angel? A stranger, family member, friend? Cheaters might destroy your trust in humanity, but others renew your faith. 

We asked listeners -- what random act of kindness moved you after you were chumped? Tracy tells about her mysterious breakfast benefactor and Sarah shares a story about the time her car broke down. We hear about infidelity angels and kind strangers who appeared at just the right time with encouragement and support. A departure from the usual look at bad actors, this week we celebrate good people. 

Tracy and Sarah answer your letters including one from a woman who discovered her husband was telling people online that she was dead and referred to another woman and their child as "wife and daughter." Is this a game to him? Is he cheating? Or is this guy a sociopath? Another listener wonders what chumps would do differently if they knew about the cheating sooner. 

This week we asked what your FWs were up to. Of course, the goal is meh, but some of us are still coparenting, or in the midst of divorce, or news of their misadventures travels back. Often with a large dose of schadenfreude and gratitude that these folks are no longer our problem. Aggravating, in trouble with the law, irresponsible... they didn't get character transplants.     

Part of the trauma after infidelity is rumination. The endless mind movies reliving what you know and, worse, imagining what you don't. In this episode, listeners tell us how they dealt with the endless intrusive thoughts. What therapies worked, who helped, and how they diverted their attention elsewhere. (True crime podcasts anyone?)   

What advice would you give a new chump knowning what you know now? We heard from many listeners who had hard-won advice for the newly betrayed. How to choose who you tell, to focusing on self-protecting over reconciliation, and deep regrets about pick-me dancing. Who better to tell you than the people who lived it? The idea for the episode was taken from the mental health nonprofit Friendship Benc...

"I'm sorry, but you didn't like octopus," is among the more ridiculous apologies a cheater has given for being unfaithful. In this episode, Tracy and Sarah react to your submissions for lamest non-apology apologies you received. The sad sausages for whom this hurts them too, more really. Those whose only crime was wanting happiness, and how can you fault happiness? To the clueless ones who didn't...

Sarah and Tracy answer a letter from a listener wondering how she can be a supportive friend to someone who is in an abusive marriage with a cheater. When should you worry about your own personal safety, or call child services? Is there anything you can do beyond standing by and listening? 

Tracy talks with domestic violence researcher Dr. Emma Katz about her book, "Coercive Control in Children's and Mothers' Lives." Many recognize violent behavior as transgressive, but more common abuse tactics fall under coercive control -- intimidatation, humiliation, isolation. The abuser's goal is to preserve their entitlement by breaking down their victim/partner's emotional state to greater de...

Sarah and Tracy respond to a letter from a woman who discovered her husband is sexting and on dating site while she is 7 months pregnant. She thinks he has an addiction to the validation, but still loves her. It's just that he starts cheating and gets checked out. Should she move in with her parents? She wants to know how she can be mighty now, when she feels very vulnerable. 

Tracy responds to a woman, Beth, who writes in to say she can't seem to leave her partner even though she's deeply unhappy. She has shady, circumstantial evidence of cheating, but hasn't caught him. But meanwhile he's inappropriate with other women and has a porn addiction. She's not financially dependent on him, so what exactly is keeping her stuck? 

Sarah and Tracy learn what holiday traditions you don't miss from your cheating exes. From obnoxious mother-in-law gifted decor, to the ex who threw a fully lit Christmas tree in a fit of rage. What are you thrilled to no longer live with and what new traditions did you replace the old ones with? 

People say the most insensitive things when they learn you've been cheated on. Everything from the cliched "It takes two to tango" or "No one knows what goes on in a marriage" to the straight-up victim blaming of "you didn't give him enough sex." Or the self-congratulation of "I'm glad my husband would never cheat on me." Tracy and Sarah react to your gobsmacking submissions. 

It's time again for your holiday cheater stories. The terrible gifts, the discoveries, the yuletide double lives... Tracy and Sarah react to your FW tales. Go into the new year knowing -- you are so much better off without these freaks in your life.

A listener calls in to discuss being an unknowing Other Woman. Her cheater had three other families, as it turns out, including her child. She asks for understanding for those in complicated family situations. Children of cheaters are victims too. 

In this interview with therapist Dr. Christine Cocchiola and investigative journalist Amy Polacko we discuss gender bias in family court. Both women have experienced domestic violence and in their book Framed, they shared the stories of women whose abusers weaponized the legal system against them in divorce and custody fights. Cocchiola and Polacko give pointers on what to look for before you get...

After Jessica Waite's husband suddenly died of a heart attack, she discovered the extent of his double life -- long-term affairs, prostitutes, debt and drug use. In her memoir, "The Widow's Guide to Dead Bastards" she describes how she survived this devastating betrayal, came to terms with her late husband's memory, raised their son alone, and rebuilt her life. She discusses with Tracy how she dec...

Tracy, as Chump Lady, has made quite a study of overcoming oppressive jerks. In this recorded pep talk, she expands on a recent blog post she wrote on how to eat the shit sandwich of injustice and keep on going. 

A woman writes to say she swapped her cheating husband for a Roomba. Her new appliance vacuums, never gaslights her, and comes back to its home port every night. We asked: What did you replace your cheater with? We've got upgrades of every kind. And cats. A lot of cats. 

Listeners discuss how they discovered their partners were cheating. From putting spy apps on a phone, to the idiot who forgot the Ring camera was recording, to the cheater who inadvertently alerted the private investigator to what car his Schmoopie drives. Sarah and Tracy react to the cheater hijinks and how cheaters underestimate their chumps.

Tracy talks with writer and actress Nell Hudson about her eight-year relationship with a man who had a double life -- which she discovered on their anniversary. What he excused as another woman's infatuation with him, turned out to be an entire history of serial cheating with multiple partners. Tracy and Nell discuss the cultural narratives around infidelity, why we don't call it abuse, and what i...

In this episode, Sarah and Tracy react to a letter from a woman who lives in the same small town as her ex and the affair partner -- her former friend. Worse, she has to interact with this person at her job. What's the answer? Move away or learn how to coexist? We also hear from two listeners, one with a red flag story on lying, and a mighty single dad who's crushing the sane parenting gig.

The furtive bathroom visits with the cell phone, strange moods, and bizzare accusations that you're cheating -- in this episode we look at all the red flags that you're with a cheater. Hindsight is 20/20, but when you look back, what were the signs?