Sunshine peering through the fog

Life isn't easy...and sometimes throws you curveballs. I am going to step back for a while from recording, which ultimately means I got shit to figure out.

Having an "a-ha" moment and realizing that perhaps a year ago I was coming out of shock as it was 4 weeks exactly that we were in the ER hearing those words...."your husband has a brain tumour."

Taking a look back to a year ago January 26th vs today (recording on the 25th) and finding some sunshine for myself.

Attempting to explain what the brain tumour did to John on a daily basis....absolutely phenomenal and devastating at the same time.

What should have been a sweet moment/memory is tarnished by realization that every change in John meant another loss and move towards what they were telling us.

Although I used to make fun of John and his "radio voice" I cherish the recordable books we purchased and he voiced for us.

As we settle into our "new normal" and ultimately just enjoy our time together I reflect on the box of kleenex that has been a staple on the dining room table - never out of reach.

If you're uncomfortable with this topic then you should avoid listening to this lengthy podcast filled with nose blowing and pauses.

This episode hears me spiraling after a weekend of neglecting my grief but also remembering the kindness of others who want to help us by making THE BEST BURGER EVA!

Taking some time to breath and allow the thoughts to flow into my head so I can absorb, comprehend and decipher them.

Another attempt at fulfilling John's request to attend church....no regrets but unfortunately for him, it was too emotional for myself and I opted for him to watch it live streamed for the remainder of his time with us.

Remembering last years Brunch at the Ranch and the memories we made...the physical memory won't be moving forward with me but the visual memory I will keep in my mind forever.

There are moments in our lives that hit hard in the heart. This episode explores one from a year ago.

Between the "what ifs" and the images/pictures in my mind this internal battle will never be over, and that's ok.

Following through on John's wishes and inviting then opening our door to Pastor Dave. Then no sooner had he left another team member knocked on the door and then another. Non-stop organizing can be draining. Although this is tougher than anything I've ever done, I'm grateful to be able to take the time and really "feel the feels" a year later.

Spending a day back in London where the only positive was John and his strength to know what he wanted.

It's hard to fake it til you make it when it comes to attending your daughters wedding. Not sure I succeeded but I know John kicked ass

Just the sound of his voice - the inflections, laughter, tone and softness sends me over the edge in my grief journey. Hopefully you'll enjoy the 50 second audio clip I added of him feeding "guy smiley" on this day 1 year ago.

Preparing for our youngest daughters wedding that was planned and executed in less than 2 weeks.

Packing up John's mom was a weight lifted from myself but at the same time a kick in the gut that my reality is my husband would be leaving this world before his mother, I felt and still feel he was cheated.

Take some time to give yourself a pat on the back, you may not feel productive but you are......hugs.

Looking back on the calendar for 2025 we had some very busy days and I can't imagine how exhausted John would have been.

A week post his diagnosis and I was still hoping we were being "punked."

The sunshine on this day was dress shopping with our youngest but I also, mid podcast realized that this was when the chaos began with phone calls, communicating and setting up appointments.

Making decisions as a team for so many years makes this solo journey suck even more, but alas changes are happening