Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column

There is an art form to truly not giving a shit. But unless you're born with a personality laser etched with self-entitlement, it is something that takes experience to perfect. Like, getting to the point of absolutely caring less about what the hell happens in any given situation is a mindset that is acquired only through countless failures equating to a battle-worn callousness. They say that Budd...

decision of whether to spring right up and get the day going or hang out to collect thoughts while clenching the bladder. The bladder, it should be noted, was the only urgent matter preventing my ignoring the gleaning sunlight cracking through the blinds by pulling a sleeping mask over the shag and unwittingly drooling onto my pillow for another forty-five to an hour. I did indeed relieve the pres...

My mother sent me an animated YouTube video that featured a twerking Smokey the Bear. And for those of you like my oft-clueless mother who may not be familiar with the terminology, twerking is a particular booty bounce popularized by a lip-licking Miley Cyrus during a televised MTV Video Music Awards in 2013. So, I engaged the opportunity to inform my family's matriarch of this observation in a te...

For more than a century, the Guinness Book of World Records has been the documentation for feats accomplished by an infamous lot. And even though the namesake of this formidable publication is branded by a beer company, something in which Davey Dabs never partakes, he has always been fascinated by the odd and amazing achievements that are celebrated through this historic account.  Therefore, as a...

Everyone has known a fat guy that parties, right? Well, maybe not orthodox religious zealots, but that's just because they don't have a buddy who drinks, does blow, drops Molly, and then drenches his clothes with sweat from bouncing erratically on the dancefloor to seizure inducing EDM. Your loss, peeps. Either way, the iconic Blutarski character made popular by John Belushi in the movie Animal Ho...

It's an oxymoron actually, because it is impossible to waste time if you are here and experiencing life. The fact that you are actively conscious means that you are utilizing the energy that motors your body to gain experience. Therefore, the time is not wasted at all, but in fact utilized. And further, how can you waste something that is free? If you gave nothing to get it, then you are entertain...

There used to be a creepy movie called The Swamp Thing where a slothy creature covered in moss was scaring the shit out of everybody in the nearby town by snatching up hotties to take back to his waterbed. Not to be confused with Oscar the Grouch who shares a similar pelt, only drier. And even though this trash dweller feller prickly postulates in the pursuit of gloom, his articulation is far more...

Everyone knows a Shane. It's inevitable. And when Shakespeare asked if a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, what he meant was that what matters is what something is, not what it is called. But he was referring to roses, not dudes named Shane. Because every guy named Shane strangely has an identity that somehow quantifies him as a Shane. So does a Shane make the name, or does the name mak...

People are desperate to escape. And the self-administering of mind-altering substances is the quickest method for your surefire jailbreak from life's doldrums. However, as these poisons are a guaranteed way to stimulate the synapses for easy access into La La Land, sleeping off the hangovers is a bitch. If you wake up at all. But we are weak to temptation, proving that the cheap flight off the rea...

Television has influenced our daily lives in so many ways. A great example can be credited to a sci-fi treatment that playfully envisioned our future where space exploration was made easy through imaginative devices like the flip phone, automatic sliding doors, and laser guns. So, we are indebted to Star Trek for imagining the first iterations of these luxuries that hadn't previously existed and h...

She used to be more fun. You could ask her where to bury a dead body and her reply was playfully non-resistant, on board for a senseless jab. But something happened because she appears to have lost her sense of humor. What, did she get indicted for a murder charge? Did we get married? In the beginning, we had such a fresh love affair, but it's gotten predictable where the spark of excitement has f...

Once, Rachel the Ripper asked Davey Dabs if he was pregnant. Of course, she was being facetious, but because of his unflappable determination to interject his satirical influence into the current landscape of human culture, in some ways it was a logical inquiry were it not for the obvious gender limitations. Also, when purposefully protruding the bulbous belly that morphs into the unmistakable bul...

There are some things that just get worse as you get older. And I'm not just referring to air quality and fast-food ingredients, but personal things like your optimism, your waistline, and last but definitely least, your high school letter jacket. That is, if you even earned one. And if you didn't, then your yearbook will suffice. And if you don't even have one of those, then I suppose your diplom...

In case you couldn't tell from the title, I'm not a big fan of bok choy. In fact, I think it's how you say "fuck you" in Chinese. Mandarin, or Cantonese? Hmmm. I get your confusion, we're talking about a food item here, not an ex who brought home a surprise STD. Therefore, there's no justification to treat it with equal vitriol, but it's just that my hands are experiencing chopstick fatigue from c...

It's true and I can admit it. I do it a lot. I mean, not out loud so much … well OK, out loud. But at least I'm hyperconscious about maintaining the flailing arms to conceal any evidence of my attempt to reign victorious in the current internal debate. But doesn't everyone respond to those nagging inner voices with some form of discourse? I mean, it is part of being human to socially interact whet...

They say Nostradamus predicted World War III, which is inevitable, so you know he was on to something. According to the legions of believers who ruminate over his prophecies, the dude was a soothsayer if there ever was one. And these believers will tell you that his foresights of the French Revolution to the Apollo moon landings make him the greatest prognosticator of history – changing events sin...

Back in the 1980s there was a new craze called fitness. I don't know what the hell people did before that to stay in shape, but I'm pretty sure this was the first time really going for a chiseled bod became an actual phenomenon. There is always so much optimism for things that are new. Time, however, is the great equalizer. And it's not that we should be embarrassed about committing to emerging tr...

It's no surprise that the single most identifiable object in the Seattle skyline is a needle. I mean, no one would ever make this connection about Omaha. And not only because they don't have a gangly retro futuristic statue grazing the clouds downtown, but they also don't have as many dead rock stars. Or a television show called Grey's Anatomy named after a hospital. Lot's of needles in that place...

Davey Dabs does not fuck around when it comes to his favorite past time. No, that is not dabbing, it is collecting Pokemon cards. Dabbing is a close second. But he will inform you that the two go together like chocolate and peanut butter on a caramelized onion bagel with lox, cream cheese with an olive Tapenade schmear. To most, that sounds like a hideous conglomeration of zest, but to Davey Dabs...

Tradition is good. Just ask the dude in "Fiddler on the Roof," who was so bent on toeing The Lord line that he dialed up a show stopping song that the entire town joined in on to validate his point. In the movie, he believes that honoring the rituals of our indoctrination reinforces our culture, which solidifies structure, resulting in a unified society. By the way, he wasn't Christian. In fact, o...

Let's all raise our flutes of infused lemonade for a big cheer to those intrepid Dodge Caravanners who make up the backbone of America! You do it all, ladies. You keep the whole tribe in order like the Chief Executive Organizer of the Taylor family, bringing home the bacon, frying it up in a pan, and never letting dad forget he's a man. You captain the crew with equestrian reigns, directing the gr...

Listen, I'm not trying to be an asshole here. I used to love Xmas just as much as any kid. Catching a glimpse of Santa nibbling on a cookie or hearing the patter of hooves on top of the apartment complex made sleeping unbearable. It's just that I'm not sure I can bear grandma getting run over by a reindeer for the umpteenth time before even having a chance to banish my yard witch back to the shed...

Back in the day there used to be an unwritten challenge amongst stoners to innovate the most functionally fun apparatus with which to cinch the end of your marijuana cigarette. From a couple matchsticks to a set of tweezers, the one sure fire way to avoid toasting the fingertips was to fashion an extension for the last bit of the smoldering jay. Because when the lungs are grasping for every mouthf...

"I may get there before you." Davey Dabs spoons out a sugary booger of hydrocarbon extract with the fastidious surgery of a world-class watch maker before dropping the liquid into the preheated banger, then gazes into the oil bubbling and transforming into vapor as if witnessing the gorgeous volcanic cauldron of hell from the perch of heaven. "Or you may get there before me." His rotund face squar...

When are we going to get it? When is it finally going to embed somewhere in the collective psyche that we only have so many trees to burn until there is a sad Lorax shaking his finger at us from atop a crispy stump reminding us that he warned us fifty years ago? Dr. Seuss was ahead of his time. You do know that trees are a bioremediatory, correct? That means they clean the air and soil. So, not on...