Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column

It's an oxymoron, really. Because love rarely has anything to do with extramarital activities. It's easy to confuse love with sex because the emotion you experience with a person with whom you're sharing bodies makes your heart swell. Or anywhere blood flows for that matter.   Infatuation is a different story. And whether it is infatuation with the person, the sex, or the masquerade, there's an in...

"Davey Dabs has a propensity for the outrageous," says the Swashbuckling Shatterbrain Shane. "Surprising, it is to me, that The National Weather Service hasn't yet named a hurricane called Davey." He understands the absurdity of that statement and chuckles to the posse while the point is made by swinging his arm in a dramatic arch to evoke the mental visualization of a majestic storm. "He whips li...

If it weren't for the bubonic plague, rats could easily be man's best friend. And the rat-infested movie Willard didn't help their reputation, either. You snicker, but what we're talking about is pretty much just an oversized mouse, right? I mean, if you really put tangible reasoning to our fearful rationale, the rat has never done anything wrong. Like people, they're hungry, crafty varmints who a...

We all know the 10-second rule. When you drop a piece of food, if you pick it up within ten seconds you have beaten the decomposition clock, essentially rescuing the item from the armies of crazed little germs that lie in waiting for food fumbles. In your mind's eye, these microscopic creatures are blood-thirsty vampires, lurching, smothering it with toxic juices and dripping fangs, rendering your...

Sure, you can sit on your ass all day and pile up the layers of blubber while filling your brain with useless information from the boob tube, but that only goes so far until it's time to get outside and do shit. And the moment you cross that threshold from front door to sidewalk, the real-life video game begins. Be it driving down roads to licking the backs of toads, unforeseen hazards exist at ev...

In the house of the Dabby Bunch where Rachel the Ripper, The Swashbuckling Shatterbrain Shane, and Davey Dabs reside, there is a fourth honorary member worthy of mention. And that person is The Guy On The Couch. Generally, there are two ways someone claims the label of The Guy On The Couch. Either that person simply stays until his Cannabis donations to the household are entirely depleted, which m...

No one wants to be lonely. Human beings need social interaction. Which explains why the smartphone is truly your bestie because it will always respond to you brightly, saturating your glowing face with reverence. Even at your most compromised moments when the eyes are drooping and the teeth need brushing, it worships your existence with unflappable consistency. That is real love, Baby. And it can...

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being nice. Because niceness is something that is severely lacking in today's self-gratification system. Back around the 1950s, the postman knew every member of the household by name and the milkman was a friendly gentleman with a white smile and straight hat. These iconic staples were what represented the bright American standard that exemplified a high regar...

When you really put your mind to understanding the human psyche, you'll see that it is easily manipulated. There's no denying the obvious--that if you reinforce a concept to curious individuals with the right recipe of conviction, you are sure to make an impression. In fact, they may even become thoroughly convinced that what you're pitching is going to improve their life eternally. No matter how...

Reputation is important to people with values, so Davey Dabs is not unaware of how others perceive him. He understands he's considered unusual by most, something of which he's been aware since the 5 th grade. That was when, for the first time, he ate an orange crayon to see if his poop would change color. It did. And it was then that the miraculous world of alchemy revealed itself, filling his min...

The United States is really big. So, it makes sense that different regions will have different ways of doing things. And where some systems will function one way in a particular city or state, in another they may not. Areas of transportation are a great representation of this. And pedestrianism is no exception. For instance, if you step one foot into a crosswalk on a busy street in Baltimore or Ne...

Is it just me or does everyone have a spot in their living area where the items that are too uncategorizable to belong anywhere specific end up? This is a place devoid of a proper name. And we're not talking about the junk drawer. The junk drawer is for junk, but this is something else. Because there is an actual use for it, you're just not sure when that will happen. If ever. And you know it dese...

Remember how cool it was to get a piece of mail when you were a kid? Well, that's because not only was it a rare recognition of your existence by the postal service, but also that there was an excellent chance of a greeting card inside commemorating a special day. And even more importantly, there was most likely something of monetary value that would be dropping from its fold. It made you feel gro...

So, my buddy texts that he is coming into town because he wants to attend a legal cannabis sesh. High fives and hugs ensue at the airport as he is eager to share a peace pipe with my community of dreamers in the Cannabis industry. This is a proud moment for someone who for years imagined attending a congregation of weed enthusiasts legally celebrating their freedom to use medicine openly. And for...

Like sand through a sifter, there are some items in life that have an uncanny way of eluding your possession. And it seems that no matter how much attention is directed toward keeping these elusive apparatuses secure, they somehow have a way of playing hide and seek. Like that extra sock that is secretly abducted by the clothes dryer, your sunglasses that seem to want to live anywhere but on the b...

Who's the married prankster that decided it'd be a brilliant idea to indoctrinate children with the concept that a man and a woman cohabitating until death is paramount to living a fulfilled life? I understand that for our species to proliferate for the first 40,000 years this coupling was necessary, but now we have Baby Einstein and Uber Eats. As children, we were left to discover the disparity b...

You know the Pink Floyd song "Time" where David Gilmour realizes one day that 10 years have gone behind him? Well, if afforded the luxury of remaining upright long enough, there will be a point in everyone's life where that guarantee proves true. A lot of moments make up 10 years. We attempt to store special ones and seal them close to our heart in hopes that the feeling can be accessed for revisi...

There she was, standing over fresh dog poop, looking down upon a thin strip of sidewalk grass along a quiet suburban road holding her only bag, bulging and tied off. The Rhodesian Ridgeback at the end of the leash, quite unfortunately, just unloaded an unexpected second helping.   To leave or not to leave, that is the question that I ask of Steve. Maybe she has a favorite uncle named Steve, I don'...

It was Albert Einstein who declared the opinion that to continue to do the same thing while expecting a different result, falls under the category of insanity. Yet, in his pursuit of the perfect dab, Davey Dabs has determined that repetition is the best possible way to discover the elusive eureka moment just as Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone through the tedium of creative rhythm.   H...

Every one of us suffers from some form of dysfunction, which is generally what charges us to act out in dramatic ways. And there's no need to build a defense should we feel responsible for our actions, because whatever it is that causes us to project our suffering, we all feel the need to express emotion. You see, we are often unaware of the root of our anger since it has generally developed from...

The term "to make love" is an old reference to screwing. Which, by the way, is a word that will never get old. Thank God for the word screw, right? Like the word fuck, there are so many useful ways to repurpose your undertone because the intent can be totally guttural while still upholding an air of class. Sure, fuck has shock value, but it's become too played out in today's self-gratification pla...

  And why is he always hanging around? The dude is a good 20 years older than Davey Dabs and the Dabby Bunch, so the unconventional dynamic would naturally inspire one's curiosity. Where Johnny Joints is more of a Lynyrd Skynrd Gen Xer, Rachel the Ripper is into hip hop and The Swashbuckling Shatterbrain Shane loves Maroon 5. Davey Dabs, who refers to them as Moron 5, is into anything with a sitar...

You work your ass off and deserve a vacation. You save, plan and prepare while exerting double the energy for the chance to finally check out and head for that sandy paradise for a classic decompress. So, when the bags are loaded with your scene safely in the rearview, a healthy exhale loosens the shackles. But there's still the travel—the scramble to the airport for the obligatory grope from TSA,...

This is a statement that Davey Dabs made recently. It wasn't a literal statement, because Davey Dabs would never wield a gun or a knife. Not to say that Davey Dabs doesn't believe in self-defense when necessary, he just upholds the opinion that never leaving the house without a strap is very "paranoid redneck". Davey Dabs has never had a problem with paranoid rednecks, but at the same time, he's r...