Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column

The brain needs oxygen so the body yawns. And upon rising from the pillow one overcast morn, there was a gurgled effect and a peculiar pitch out of the mouth that seeded my core with suspicion. Oddly, it resembled an anxious Chewbacca sending a 'let's get the fuck outta here' to his not so trusted friend Han Solo who invariably induces motion sickness from the erratic movement of dodging asteroids...

Who doesn't love tacos? I mean, this juggernaut of Mexican culture easily rivals the hamburger when competing for most delectable item in the food pyramid. And whether you like your fillings grilled, deep fried, or sauteed, there is only herding the ingredients into a tortilla and wrapping that baby up to convert your hand into a flavor shovel of extreme awesomeness! Think about it. Tuesday would...

Meda is the new mega. I know, how could anything be bigger than mega. Mega is…well, it's as monstrous and amazing as anything can get. Which is why if you ever go to Mexico and hear radio ads the only word you are likely to understand over the crackly speakers is MEGA, MEGA, MEGA! But what is Meda? Well, if you know anything about the 1980's, you know that one of the hottest vacation destinations...

I've got a secret for anyone paying attention. So long as you're alive, you're always going to be dealing with complications on some level. Yes, sometimes more than others, but there is no avoiding the hard cold fact that there will never be a day when you don't have to generate a solution of some sort. It's true. You'll never be challenge-free at any point in your life. And as you resolve things,...

No matter how well you take care of your body, gravity will eventually pull you back to earth to be reclaimed by the soil. And although very smart people on this planet have developed stunning scientific methods to prolong the everlasting blink, when your train is whistling into the station, you'll need to politely disembark to clear space for new passengers. This is the end of the line--no pill,...

  It sure seems like everyone has a trigger or fifty these days. Not to say that people haven't always been fragile, but now we have classified the proper terminology that pinpoints that moment where something clicks like a slipped disc in your mind and propels you down a rabbit hole of displeasure. Obviously, the term generates from the trigger of a gun, activating an emotional response that equa...

The finger reaches into the hole. And why not? Although this appendage often sits idle, like an old motor, it is a tool best maintained with regular use. And as the subconscious wanders into aimless thought while tediously inching through rush hour traffic, the instinct directs the fingernail toward an accessible area of the anatomy in need of grooming. Sure, this exercise serves some low-level ma...

If you're baked just about anything tastes incredible. But there's a big difference between the stoner who stares into a bowl of Fruit Loops like it's the glowing briefcase in Pulp Fiction and the sadomasochist who invites the pungent pucker of pickle juice straight to the larynx. This is an extreme difference in personality profiles for sure, but then it takes all types to make up the human clust...

Discussing urine sounds disgusting. After all, what we're referring to is liquid waste that is excreted from your body. And it's generally yellow. If you've taken your vitamins, that is. But when you really break it down, it's just water that regulated your system so that it functions optimally. And the facts are that urine is about 95 percent clean. So clean that some people drink it. And are pro...

I'm going to be the voice of reason right now by telling you that you gotta get your cardio in. That's just how it is. You see, the reason we have bodies at all is because gravity pulls matter toward the earth and your muscles have developed into what they are today because of that resistance which forces you to battle against that incessant tug. Honor your spacesuit. You are consciousness in this...

When venom is coursing through your embroiled veins, it feels good to let out an exultant fuck. In fact, you would be hard-pressed to find any single word in the English language so versatile. Call us unrefined, but when you have such an effective expression that is so interchangeable simply by the tone and cadence with which it is spit, why reach into that bag of expletives for anything else? Wit...

Most well-rounded people will agree that just because you can effectively navigate your way around a video game, a streaming service, or pretty much anything that has to do with sitting on your ass in front of a screen, it does not necessarily make you worldly. Like, just because you saw a movie scene set under the Eiffel Tower, it doesn't mean you can escargot there in conversation. Get it? Whate...

Is it just me, or is there nothing more cringeworthy than witnessing a dude shoveling cylindrical meat down his hot dog hole at breakneck speed while a throng of bystanders cheer him on as if he's accomplishing a feat worthy of applause? I mean, what is the fascination with watching a guy with shark eyes inhaling unholy amounts of poor-quality food to the deepest part of the throat for the sole pu...

Ladies, you've got it all figured out. All Hell could be breaking loose, but so long as you're armed with that imperative satchel that keeps your vitals accessible, you'll always be ready for the world. This is your most necessary accessory, accentuating the confidence that proves you're an irreplaceable badass. And one purse is not enough. Only one cannot ensure your command of any room's attenti...

Davey Dabs was not an exceptional student. He did excel in chemistry, however. Fascinated with the investigation of how substances combine and change and the use of these processes to form new substances.   Much of his attention is directed towards the making of hash oil from a small garden of Cannabis plants he nurses with great detail in a grow tent in the garage. With Rachel the Ripper and the...

Boy, do we take things for granted, or what? I mean, sure we could dedicate our precious moments toward considering the possibility of where we might be if these ant piles called cities weren't constructed before our birth, but who the heck has time to reflect on the persistence of humanity and how it scratched its way to the top of the food chain when there are malls to scope and Taco Bells to ri...

What people think about us is a high priority. So much so, that we will spend our precious time working the algorithm of social sites with hopes of gaining numerous notices. Because the more approval we can generate from our peers, the more awesome we are, right?  Not really. And I think that's become apparent to most of us by now.  The social circle is indeed a game, where insecurities are covere...

A handful of times in your life, an event will occur that creates a personal shift and reorganizes your priorities. It is these clear moments of revelation that procure the cornerstones you will one day harken back to, as the rare incidents almost always happen when you are subconsciously ready, but unsuspecting. In an instant, your mind is determined, from opinion to absolute fact, an unequivocal...

The longer you stick around on this cylindrical manifestation of matter in this expansive space of coalescing energy, the more you understand how the forces of alchemy interact to create this experience. And the better you become at surrendering to how the laws of physics and metaphysics cooperate, the better your advantage for remaining upright in this weird amalgamation of organic confluence.  ...

Altering your reality by meddling with the synapses in your brain is one of the most common ways to entertain yourself. Whether you're poppin' pills or pounding tequila poppers, bending the senses can bring about the most wonderful, kaleidoscopic effects.  Or getting turnt. Which is the fun, turnt way of saying turned up. In the early aughts, Allen Greenspan coined the phrase "Irrational Exuberanc...

Davey Dabs has a preposterous theory. You see, although his actions are sometimes perceived as infantile performances aimed at seeking attention, he is not ilsmart. In fact, he is not uneducated. Davey Dabs received his Bachelor of Science with a degree in philosophy at UC Berkeley. And although ilsmart is not an official word in the English language, he loves to use it on backwards day. And when...

Amazon screwed the pooch. If your name is Alexa, that is. Because thanks to them, there's now a glitch in the process of assigning an identity to a newborn child, forcing us to rethink how we move forward with the official book of baby names. Now for the next couple generations or five, new mothers will shudder at the annoying thought of confusedly summoning the updated version of Hal from 2001: A...

Let's be frank, getting a shitty gift that is only going to end up in the garage stuffed inside a plastic bin for the next 8 years is a burden you didn't ask for. Yet, you're forced to choke out a smile while pretending that a jigsaw puzzle of a flower garden somewhere in Germany has been the missing piece to completing your own life puzzle. Unexpectedly, you are thrust into an acting role, forced...

People tell me this sometimes. But am I narcissistic, or just really eager to be recognized? A little of both, methinks. Aren't we all guilty of wanting attention at some level? I mean, at what point are you self-absorbed, or just looking to feel relevant in this glorious human experience of lightning strikes and rolling stones? Because, let's be honest, every one of us, from an instinctual level,...