Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column

I think it is the devil's candy. Call me broken, but when the thought of black licorice enters my thoughts, I immediately picture the odd fuck from Lemony Snickets hiding a sinister grin behind his outreached hand that is gripping black licorice like it's a bouquet of dying flowers. Or that miserable pedophile in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang who goes Richter when out sniffing for children. Is there one...

We've all heard that it takes two to tango. But have you ever known anyone who ever tried tangoing? No, you haven't.  Is tangoing even a word? Everyone has tried to Limbo, but even though these two world renowned dances sound like they could be kissing cousins, their originations came from opposite sides of the world and have very little in common. In fact, tangoing appears to be a hell of a lot m...

I don't know if the guy who invented Italy's most important contribution to the world was smoking a pepperoni sized doob when he changed the course of civilization by going robust on the crust, but that champion put the chow in ciao. I mean, there are only so many ways you can embellish a burger, but with a pizza, the mouthwatering combinations are exponentially endless.  Like, you could empty you...

The moment your automobile doors are shut with the driveshaft engaged; the contest is underway. Regardless of who is behind the wheel of other vehicles competing for space on the road, your primary objective is to circumvent them to save precious minutes enroute to your destination. And although the unidentified drivers against whom you jockey for position are often good people in your own neighbo...

Davey Dabs can be absurdly ridiculous. And according to his roommates, Rachel the Ripper and the Swashbuckling Shatterbrain Shane, this can be the least enjoyable personality trait of this benevolent, dab sharing friend. Although Rachel will admit that his antics are often entertaining, but inconvenient. "Everyone has their trauma," she empathizes, "and he's still working through his, albeit somet...

Anyone who's ever worked in a restaurant knows that when you have two half-empty bottles of the world's most popular condiment, you pour one into the other to make one of them appear fresh and new while the other gets tossed. It's called marrying the ketchup. That's a figurative term.  But what if we made it literal. Because let's face it, there are a lot of people on this planet who are unhappily...

Dragon ass should not be confused with dragging ass. Dragging ass is something we all do when our energy is low, especially in the moments upon waking before the requisite black brewed stimulant sparks the body's motor that consumes fuel and burps exhaust.  We all know that feeling of lethargy. For so many of us, the first thirty minutes of the day is like boot camp. And if you happen to find your...

If you missed going to Disneyland as a kid, there's a part of you that feels like you got gypped. Maybe your parents provided a solid upbringing, but if you never felt those nervous butterflies before crossing the threshold into the Imaginarium where animation blends with real life, you may be more likely to compensate with unhealthy methods of coping in adulthood. Let's be real. There just is no...

The union of marriage is a sanctimonious institution that has effectively been the glue that has bound our species for millennia. Without that legal commitment, which has basically stood as a contract between two people to agree to love each other til death do them part, we'd be an eight-billion-person planet full of nothing but singles ready to mingle.  That's a scary thought. And we all know tha...

If you think about it, much of your precious time is spent future-tripping over things that have never happened, or most likely will never happen. Because in your mind, living with concern is a necessary means to survival, oftentimes spent devising some sort of escape strategy, calculating the risk of ill preparation. You even commiserate at times, stricken with worry over 'what if' and 'when'. Bu...

Friendship, it's potentially the most imperative virtue in life. Because without some form of reflective exchange with another living animal, it's nearly impossible to apply meaning to our existence.  In fact, since our great grandfather times a hundred Erg the Nomad wandered the plains foraging for mushrooms and crunchy insects wiggling under Woolley Mammoth dung, knowing that another bone-wieldi...

There are people in this world, most in fact, who toil through their humdrum existence with little reach outside the periphery of their familiar surroundings. And then there are those who impulsively thrust their bodies into random situations for the sole purpose of the experience that will inevitably fill the well of curiosity toward further tantalizing teases of possibilities.    One of these ra...

Khaki is a baby boomer color. They used to be into safaris. You see, fifty years ago they were the ultimate adventure, which is why these dust-colored outfits are made with waterproof panels and leftover mosquito net that blend with the Serengeti.   Now, I'm not making fun of all boomers, just the one's filling the gas tank to the Chevy Avalanche and grabbing a stick of jerky on their way to a jun...

To be great at America's favorite pastime, you only need to succeed three out of every ten attempts. We're talking about getting hits in baseball here, not getting lucky between the sheets. However, for you men out there, the numbers are pretty much the same. For every ten times you try, if you get action three out of those, you're doing better than most of your neighbors. Unless, of course, you l...

I know, you're wondering if this is a topic that really needs to be discussed. Or can we just bundle it up and toss it in the washing machine, pretending it never happened. And my response is that it does need to be discussed for two reasons. The first being because it's good to create healthy discourse about things you are normally embarrassed to bring into public view. And two, because we've all...

Yes, pinky swears are a lighthearted agreement rarely enforced, but we all know that there exists a code with the intention of not being broken. Because in this sue happy world of painful litigation, if we don't respect the sanctimony of a real deal, then why agree to it in the first place?  Locking pinkies is a silly way to execute blood brotherhood without the pricks. And I'm not referring to th...

Make bad decisions. End of story.  Well, there's more actually.  See, we all know that It's difficult to think clearly when gazing through the glowing lens of beer goggles. Because when everything in your periphery is enhanced by fuzzy Glamour Shot lighting, the miscalculation alarm can be severely compromised when your weaker senses are enticed.  Suddenly, casting caution to the wind makes perfec...

Everyone loves being told they are wonderful. That simple sound of adulation flowing off another person's tongue can have the most pleasing chemical rush on the brain, pushing the dopamine swiftly to the receptors, instantly unlocking any tension while lifting the corners of the mouth towards the stars, loosening the jaw, and warming the refrigerated heart.  Even the prickliest of Ebeneezers loves...

'Twasn't it Shakespeare who wrote 'a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose'? Whether he did or not, it's a play on words. And from what the history books tell us, he was the best at making plays out of words. Or organizing words into a play.    What we learn from this is that as useful as language can be, it can also prove confounding. Through all the channeling to the place in the brain where compre...

Humans have been walking upright for nearly 200 million years. The average life span of a Neanderthal was 32 years. The number of people that have existed over this course of time is, well, a shitload.    And through all of that, you are here now. The fact that you are reading this now is proof. Yes, your imagination can do wonderous things, but transcend the physical plane of time is not one of t...

There's not a damn thing wrong with socks. Hell, life without them just wouldn't be as cozy. In fact, I can't say that there's a more soothing sensation than pulling up a brand spankin' new pair of cotton fluffiness over the feet. It's a reward for those soldiers, a way of thanking them for taking a pounding and being the trusted vehicles that get you from point P to point Q.  Did you know that yo...

If you've got average talent, but your dream is to be a successful recording artist, here's today's splendid reality check--you can be painfully average at singing, but still rack up a shitload of downloads and streams enroute to becoming a star. In fact, many would agree that if you don't take advantage of the revolutionary studio tool called Autotune, you are putting your chances of success at a...

What is a mullet? Well, it's a mud sucking, bottom feeding fish which rightfully became the namesake of the confusing hairstyle that has prevailed as a badge of honor for those who feel compelled to demonstrate their white trash fashion.    The Mullet Magnate is a classic rock outlaw. Forgetful but not forgotten. You know the song Eye of the Tiger? Well, it's about him.    And he loves how this ap...

There's a butterfly on the lower back and bow-tie garters behind each thigh. This branding of ink, so carefully chosen as to place you in an identifiable class of lady, is the telltale mark that distinguishes you as someone who is open to making spontaneous decisions. These unpremeditated life choices are generally fueled by mind altering substances that conceal the issues of abandonment from a fa...

I think it's time we rebranded these planets. I'm thinking Penis and Mons.  I don't know.  A guy named John Gray wrote a bestselling book in 1992 called Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus and the term quickly became a popular catchphrase that captured the world of differences between the two sexes. I never read the book, but it would be assumed that there's a distinction made between the two...