Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column

I feel like being bad. Therefore, I am going to find a sign on the side of a building that prohibits me from hanging out and purposefully looking like I don't belong. I'll don a feather boa, sparkly, ridiculously oversized sunglasses, and a t-shirt that says FUCK CORRUPTION. I think this is what they mean by NO LOITERING. Because I've never used the word loiter once. Like, did the government pull...

If you need proof, just listen to the song from the Lego movie. After a while, it becomes the antithesis of awesome. Especially if you are always running the kids around in the grocery getter and have reached the unenviable 420th listen. At that point everything is annoying. I mean, this energetic song about positive perspective seems to have earned the contrary to the good vibes it promotes, soon...

Many babies have been made under the influence of alcohol. And if you date back to the day whence liquor was first drunk, that's a shitload of humans created from bad decisions. I mean, we're on the verge of reaching eight billion bodies choking out the planet, and we don't need more people. See the correlation? Now, I'm not necessarily trying to hate on liquid courage. God knows, sometimes the Ti...

In 2024, Disney's copyright on the very first Mickey Mouse animated short, Steamboat Willy, will expire, allowing the image of the pop culture icon to enter the public domain. With the 98 years of protection expiring, the original iteration of the world's most ubiquitous mouse is finally available to borrow. So, it's safe to say that with the locked clock winding down on these and other commercial...

I love popcorn. I don't care how the hell you serve it up--popcorn is one of my favorite foods. And I know I am not alone in this obsession. Because whether your weakness is tasty food or the Family Feud, there's not a person on this planet who is exempt from some level of addiction. Popcorn is for me—shitty television shows are for others. This brings me to cop porn. Or, in other words, how the g...

In case you didn't know, Davey Dabs has a stomach tattoo. The tattoo is a realistic portrait of an actual stomach. The stomach is that of his deceased grandmother. And although he was not a witness to the autopsy of his beloved grandma Dombrowski from his mother's polish side of the family, he did bring a Ouija board to place next to the foot pedal, knowing that the artist rendering this organ wou...

You've walked into a room and seen mounted animals peering downward with glazed eyes, yes? Maybe it was a hawk with flared wings and a curved beak, frozen in a statuesque moment. Or a snarling bear, mid-growl, caught in a pose when the hair spiked from the back and the drool dripped over the fangs. This fantastic plaque is a feast for human curiosity, reminding us that although this beast would ri...

I know, not cool. It's just that I was looking for a towel because you told me I could grab a shower since we just returned from the gym, and you ran to grab a six pack. There wasn't a clean one in the bathroom, so I checked your bedroom closet.  I wasn't entirely sure what to think upon first sight because it's totally fine, and there's no judgement for what you do in the privacy of your own crib...

Remember Myspace? Well, in case you forgot, it was the awesome precursor to Facebook. In fact, if they ever have a wing for internet history at the Smithsonian Institute, it is sure to have rightful representation. Because unfortunately, this originator of social media is now obsolete like phone booths, travel agencies, and the group that made the song I'm Too Sexy for My Shirt. It's kinda like a...

Against the odds of physics, I think it's downright amazing that we have solved many of the mysteries that for millennia prevented us from successfully remaining vertical. Because if you really think about it, there are countless perils that our predecessors learned to dodge enough times to eventually afford us the luxury of conveniently ignoring. We've weathered the disease and the wild beasts. N...

Apart from the disturbing fact that the drakes are verified gang rapists, these birds are quite wonderful. I know that sounds like a heavy contradiction, but every species has its system for making babies, and we are not ones to judge the unspoken rules of natural selection. Don't cancel Donald Duck! All unsolicited advances aside, we dig these feathered fowl so much that they've remained some of...

You're wearing everybody out with your bullshit, Bro. And you're not even aware of it, which makes it doubly frustrating for anyone who sees through your facade. The way you peacock in da club, flossin' big blings with this month's overpriced designer logo plastered on the front of your hoodie, effectively transforms you into a walking Goodyear Blimp.  There goes your credit score again. Because y...

This is the name of Davey Dabs' experimental, psychedelic rock band. He calls it psychedelic because the only chance for the music to make sense is if the person hearing it is under some form of kaleidoscopic mind alteration. Otherwise, it's impossible to formulate any semblance from the discombobulated noise. He took the name from one of his friends in the Dabby Bunch. That's their crew of stoner...

One of the most memorable statements my father ever imparted onto me was, "You can bullshit a bullshitter, but you can't bullshit a bullshitter." imaginative right? A philosophical mindblow. Aristotle would be in awe. My dad was an alcoholic.  And a major bullshitter.  But even as much as this is a bullshit statement, it does hold some wisdom in that bullshitting doesn't necessarily work in the bu...

Do you ever find yourself having a conversation with something that is incapable of responding? The answer is yes. We all do it because we will never be judged by it.  It's a way of talking to yourself without the guilt of not admitting that you might be loony. Like, no one can prove you're nuts if you're working toward solutions by directing your attention at something that is visible rather than...

I know, harsh title, but someone had to say it.  Because we've all found ourselves subjected to that annoying Jackyl of a song. And the melody is so phenomenally irritating, that it has now become a guaranteed way to jack someone with an unsuspecting prank. Just play Baby Shark when their attention is completely preoccupied with something of actual signifigance in their life, and watch their tempe...

Have you ever heard the phrase for lack of a better word ? It means that you're searching your vocabulary to find the most applicable language that best represents what you're trying to convey. Sometimes you don't have the exact word, but by using this phrase, you make it known that your intention is to communicate your thought effectively. And it's totally cool. Because it is understood by the pe...

If you played sports as a kid, you probably remember that swirling stomach sensation just before the start of game called "the butterflies". This swarm of jitters fluttered through your abdomen inducing slight nausea, perpetuated by the potential of embarrassment, or incurring a painful injury. This is the reaction of nervous impulses brought about by disregarding the instinct to protect yourself...

Wisdom is never bought and sold but gained through participation. One must have experienced events which allow us to draw context that is then utilized for delegating from a position of better understanding. For most, this comes sparingly through the routine of daily life, but then there are some who thrust themselves purposefully into dynamic situations, in search of the insight that fills the we...

I've got a beef. Whoever invented this mindless game blatantly stole the name from Beavis's alter ego. I mean, nothing embodies bottled up teen angst more than the Great Cornholio teeth-chattering out stream of consciousness anxiety like a vibrating dildo with a broken off-switch. And how the hell that translated into a lazy pastime of lobbing beanbags into a wood hole is a mystery to me. It's lik...

Autism is not funny.  If you're poking at a human being, that is. But if it's an animal (or an insect, or a fish, etc.), you have license to say whatever you want because the concept seems ridiculous. It's not an official veterinary diagnosis.  Cannabis experiences the same plight, in that if there's little scientific data to back up your claims of medical efficacy, they are generally shrugged off...

Since the first Caribbean pirate washed down his minnow stew with peppercorn spiced rum, the mouth mane has stood as a solid sign of masculinity. However, as hair trends wane and wax, the last thirty years or so have not been friendly to the man stache. Like, if you donned a thick one and a person caught a glimpse in their periphery, they might do a double take, curiously considering if they'd jus...

Let's face reality. The world is a much less rocking place now that a landfill somewhere is stacked with obsolete Guitar controllers. It's kind of sad that gone are the days when all you had to do was turn on the television, throw a strap around the neck and instantaneously morph into an imaginary rock god.  With a back flip of the head, an involuntary scrunch of the face, and one long high-pitche...

Have you ever heard a dude say that he would still bed Mary Anne from Gilligan's Island, even if she's currently 110 years old? Well, the same goes for Sandy in Grease. In fact, if those rambunctious teenaged gearheads hadn't soiled her white blouse, she might have remained a virgin.  In my mind, she always will be.  Youth is eternal in film. Because while Kenickie's Roman hands and Russian finger...

Let's be real, sometimes in life we want the white lie. We need the white lie. Because collectively it is better for us than the truth and we are ok with that. There is a rare agreement here that is universally approved because the benefit of all humanity is not worth compromising. And aside from the religious zealot who believes that God made us perfect in her image and that we should accept the...