Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column

Uh oh, I've crossed the line. Boy, am I gonna get my ass kicked now. I stated the opinion that everyone else is thinking but is too afraid actually to voice at least openly in public. And the last thing you want to do is belittle the thing to which these irrefutable enthusiasts attach their identity because if you insult the motorcycle, you insult the person driving it. And that's a surefire way t...

Let's all raise our flutes of infused lemonade for a big cheer to those intrepid Dodge Caravanners who make up the backbone of America! You do it all, ladies. You keep the whole tribe in order like the Chief Executive Organizer of the Taylor family, bringing home the bacon, frying it up in a pan, and never letting Dad forget he's a man. You captain the crew with equestrian hands, directing the gro...

The cigarette industry has really taken it in the butt this century, so can we please focus on some positives? After all, as we evolve toward a more tolerant society insistent upon creating a level playing field of fairness for everyone, we really should stop the addiction shaming. Sure, those fine orally fixated folks willingly welcome a small forest fire into their respiratory system with each f...

The universe is ever-evolving. Change is constant. Therefore, as energy continues to manifest everywhere, we, too, transform. It is this energy that connects everything. But everything does not evolve in the same way. And although it is still evolution, some things devolve. And sadly, as the de-evolution of human connection seems to endure at the behest of advancing technology, so goes love. This...

It's funny, you know? We have longer life spans than ever before in the history of our species, but less time for shit. So, to clear out some of that unwanted clutter like language and such, it makes natural sense to condense our words and phrases into convenient little, digestible acronyms. Because the more you abbreviate your words the more time you save and are therefore able to accomplish more...

It was the hot dab that did me in. Thank you, my airheaded rookie administrator, for enlightening me about what the inside of a barrel of a flame thrower feels like when delivering a dragon's maniacal fire. And just when I managed to inhale actual air, the entire experience was intensified upon identifying the sensation of having swallowed a sleeping porcupine into my lungs who, upon awakening in...

I think it is the devil's candy. Call me broken, but when the thought of black licorice enters my thoughts, I immediately picture the odd fuck from Lemony Snickets hiding a sinister grin behind his outreached hand that is gripping black licorice like it's a bouquet of dying flowers. Or that miserable pedophile in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang who goes Richter when out sniffing for children. Is there one...

Everyone has seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, right? Well, Slugworth, in case you have the memory of Dori the Fish, is the creepy, long-faced fucker who scares kids straight. Kind of like that sinister, spider-like pervert in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang who smells children better than his own farts, but that's an entirely different personality disorder. These guys are good old-fashioned vil...

It's a woman who is just a friend. Except a guy can't call her a girlfriend like a girl can call another girl a girlfriend. You see, if a man publicly addresses his friendgirl as a girlfriend, the silence stews amongst those within earshot, the brows lift, and the inquiries eventually fly like hail in a tornado. Be aware, gentlemen, that the examination from her friends will begin suggestively. Fi...

There are too many damn choices these days. You wake up, throw on the standard comfort wear, and now you're armed and ready to start ruling out inferior options in almost every aspect of life. Thankfully, some of your choices are pre-determined, like which coffee you'll drink, where you'll sit at the breakfast table, and how to get to where you're going. Then some are not pre-determined. And so, i...

Religion is a mess. Can't we just consolidate the roughly four-thousand-two-hundred-plus doctrines of belief into one handy little guidebook that reflects something like the Ten Commandments and call it a day? And if it pisses you off, we don't even have to call it the Ten Commandments. I don't care what you call it, just don't call me late for dinner. Because when you think about it, all denomina...

Puppy dog breath. Can you define the smell? Because it doesn't smell like anything else. They are so new and young, but their breath is borderline noxious. Is it the food, or an odd combination of a strange bacteria paired with the culture of milk from the mommy? What is it that goes on in that soft, warm potbelly? It's a tough smell to put your finger on. It's kinda like a three-day old re-heated...

The whole thing was a Whirlwind. Literally, that was the name of the fabulous traveling amusement ride she so deftly operated. Sometimes the energies of the heavens are in complete synchronicity, and a bolt of lightning can change your trajectory. There was an actual graphic of a bolt of lightning on the side of the structure, you see, and it was the bad-assedness of this bolt that I commented on...

Bring up anything that has to do with people attempting to strategically advance a ball toward an advantageous area outlined by boundaries that will result in points on a scoreboard, and anyone non-competitive will look at you with the same blank expression as Garfield the Cat. "Time is precious. Great moments are few. So why would you knowingly squander them on such a blatant distraction from wha...

I talk to myself sometimes. Ok, all the time. Call me strange if you want, but the reality is that everyone wants to be heard, and no one listens to you more intently than you. And where other people will often respond with unsolicited advice, the real opinion that is most beneficial to your situation is your own because no one will give it to you straighter than you to yourself. Unless you lie to...

Remember that movie where the guy is dying of thirst in the desert, and he keeps thinking that he sees water up ahead, but it's only a mirage? Well, that is what your brain is doing when it tells you that if you drink more alcohol, you'll feel better. And be more amazing. And be a more amazing singer. You know how it works; the progression casually begins at Friday happy hour with a beer and a sho...

It happened in the co-ed dormitory at college. There I was, chatting it up outside of someone's room in the hallway, when I heard the words splattered out in a high pitch cheer. "Mikey"! It is one of my buddies who is twice my size. He comes charging down the hallway with what I think will be a loving bear hug, which is indeed the case. Until midway through when he spontaneously decides to apply a...

Guess what the leading cause for divorce is. Marriage. You know why? Because when you're young and horny and good looking and fit and ambitious and wild and optimistic and horny, the idea of growing old with someone who can shoulder half the responsibilities seems like a great plan. And the honeymoon sounds like a blast. Who wouldn't want an exotic, all-expenses paid vacation on the family dime wh...

The sound of farting is funny. Call me immature, but if the timing is just right, the surprise audio booty burst of creaking wood, or the short brunt of a brass instrument, can be playfully startling, resulting in a good giggle. Even my 70-year-old Victorian-bred mother finds small moments of joy in the embarrassment of those who become the butt of her connivery. She'll covertly plant a remote-con...

Peek into someone's fridge, and you get a glimpse into their soul. Because what one chooses to store in the crib's chilliest place provides clues to those with inspective impulses whilst grabbing a glass of water. Are there indications of plans for the unexpected (or expected) Armageddon, or is it a bare-bones, protein shake and salad with raspberry vinegarette affair? Food lends definition to our...

We are preoccupied with sex. Since each of us first exited the womb, genitalia has drawn our fascination with the irreversible magnetism that's built into our DNA. But as the system of indoctrination has been designed to control our natural urges through guilt and shame, there is still no proven method of turning off the salacious thoughts that occupy much of our attention, no matter how hard we t...

Dude, we were having a great night, and then... It appeared that the late shot of elixir was what transformed Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde, escalating the exuberant whiskey burn growl into an ear-piercing screech. And that's where the off switch appears to have malfunctioned. Like a Pitbull on its first lick of steak that triggers the glazed, wide-eyed feeding frenzy, in an instant, what was a compose...

Davey Dabs saves his earwax. He stores these globs in carefully labeled ceramic saucers that are categorized by the air temperature and date they were extracted. And as much as the fear of bacterial propagation is, he ensures his housemates Rachel the Ripper and the Swashbuckling Shatterbrain Shane with whom he shares the refrigerator, that they are sanitized before being stored for terpene preser...

Do you remember your first kiss? Damn right, you do. It was a rite of passage and potentially the most meaningful experience of your life. While the heating blood power-pumped on the inside, the bone-dry lips and frozen hips barely budged on the outside. Awkweird. Thank God it gets better. Much better. Because this transformative initiation into adulthood is when everything changes. It's where the...

They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So, it's safe to say that everything possesses some degree of charm because what one person thinks is ugly another may see as lovely. Dogs are a great example. Let's be real, some Pug faces resemble a cow patty. And even though we are aware that it is not pretty, it triggers an increase in our oxytocin levels because it resembles, to some degree,...