Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column

Most well-rounded people will agree that just because you can effectively navigate your way around a video game, a streaming service, or pretty much anything that has to do with sitting on your ass in front of a screen, it does not necessarily make you worldly. Like, just because you saw a movie scene set under the Eiffel Tower, it doesn't mean you can escargot there in conversation. Get it? Whate...

People tell me this sometimes. But am I narcissistic, or just eager to be recognized? A little of both, methinks. Aren't we all guilty of wanting attention at some level? I mean, at what point are you self-absorbed, or just looking to feel relevant in this glorious human experience of lightning strikes and rolling stones? Because, let's be honest, every one of us, from an instinctual level, is loo...

Altering your reality by meddling with the synapses in your brain is one of the most common ways to entertainment yourself. Whether you're poppin' pills or pounding tequila poppers, bending the senses can bring about the most wonderful, kaleidoscopic effects. Or getting turnt. Which is the fun, turnt way of saying turned up. In the early aughts, Allen Greenspan coined the phrase "Irrational Exuber...

Amazon screwed the pooch. If your name is Alexa, that is. Because thanks to them, there's now a glitch in the process of assigning identity to a newborn child, forcing us to rethink how we move forward with the official book of baby names. Now for the next couple generations or five, new mothers will shudder at the annoying thought of confusedly summoning the updated version of Hal from 2001: A Sp...

If it weren't for the bubonic plague, rats could easily be man's best friend. And the rat-infested movie Willard didn't help their reputation, either. You snicker, but what we're talking about is pretty much just an oversized mouse, right? I mean, if you really put tangible reasoning to our fearful rationale, the rat has never done anything wrong. Like people, they're hungry, crafty varmints who a...

When you really put your mind to understanding the human psyche, you'll see that it is easily manipulated. There's no denying the obvious--that if you reinforce a concept to curious individuals with the right degree of conviction, you are sure to make an impression. In fact, they may even become thoroughly convinced that what you're pitching is going to improve their lives eternally. No matter how...

We all know the 10-second rule. When you drop a piece of food, if you pick it up within ten seconds you have beaten the decomposition clock, essentially rescuing the item from the armies of crazed little germs that lie in waiting for food fumbles. In your mind's eye, these microscopic creatures are blood thirsty vampires, lurching, smothering it with toxic juices and dripping fangs, rendering your...

Sure, you can sit on your ass all day and pile up the layers of blubber while filling your brain with useless information from the boob tube, but that only goes so far until it's time to get outside and do shit. And the moment you cross that threshold from front door to sidewalk, the real-life video game begins. Be it driving down roads to licking the backs of toads, unforeseen hazards exist at ev...

Who's the marry prankster that decided it'd be a brilliant idea to indoctrinate children with the concept that a man and a woman cohabitating until death is paramount to living a fulfilled life? I understand that for our species to proliferate for the first 40,000 years this coupling was necessary, but now we have Baby Einstein and Uber Eats. As children we were left to discover the disparity betw...

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being nice. Because niceness is something that is severely lacking in today's self-gratification system. Back around the 1950's, the postman knew every member of the household by name and the milkman was a friendly gentleman with a white smile and straight hat. These iconic staples were what represented the bright American standard that exemplified a high rega...

We all know that there are some items in life that have an uncanny way of eluding your possession. In theory it shouldn't happen, but no matter how much attention is directed toward keeping these elusive apparatuses secure, they somehow have a way of playing hide and seek. Like that extra sock that is secretly abducted by the clothes dryer, your sunglasses that want to live anywhere but on the bri...

There she was, standing over a fresh dog poop, looking down upon a thin strip of sidewalk grass along a quiet suburban road holding her only bag, bulging and tied off. The Rhodesian Ridgeback at the end of the leash, quite unfortunately, just unloaded an unexpected second helping. To leave or not to leave, that is the question that I ask of Steve. Maybe she has a favorite uncle named Steve, I don'...

You work your ass off and deserve a vacation. You save, plan, and prepare while exerting double the energy for the chance to finally check out and head for that sandy paradise for a classic decompress. So, when the bags are loaded with your scene safely in the rear view, a healthy exhale loosens the shackles. But there's still the travel—the scramble to the airport for the obligatory TSA date rape...

There used to be a creepy movie called The Swamp Thing where a slothy creature covered in moss was scaring the shit out of everybody in the nearby town by snatching up baddies to take back to his waterbed. Not to be confused with Oscar the Grouch who shares a similar pelt, only drier.  And even though this trash dweller feller prickly postulates in the pursuit of gloom, his articulation is far mor...

Who's got a sturdy noose handy so I can hang myself and end the misery? As if the steady banging of neon flashing little boy shoes with the tiny roller wheels into the back of my seat isn't enough, there's the incessant whining that is unsuccessfully quelled with parental coddling that makes me want to set the whole fucking airplane on fire. Rather than a good old scolding, the mother reasons, gui...

A lot of people need to dry out and they know it. So, getting sober is an annual challenge some of my friends will undertake for around thirty days, usually the same month every year. It's not like they enjoy this exile, but in their mind, abstinence is a necessary evil that is going to miraculously stave off an early grave. And rehab. We all know that the body can't reverse liver and heart damage...

Every one of us suffers from some form of dysfunction, which charges our need to act out in dramatic ways. It's ok, there's no need to build a defense. Because whatever it is that causes us to project our suffering, we all need to express emotion. You see, we are often unaware of the root of our anger since it has generally developed from personal trauma endured during the formative years, and whe...

It's true, and I can admit it. I do it a lot. I mean, not out loud so much…well, ok, out loud. But at least I'm hyperconscious about publicly maintaining the flailing arms to conceal any evidence of my attempt to reign victorious in the current internal debate. But doesn't everyone respond to those nagging inner voices with some form of discourse? I mean, it is part of being human to socially inte...

Listen, I'm not trying to be an asshole here. I used to love Xmas just as much as any kid. Catching a glimpse of Santa nibbling on a cookie or hearing the patter of hooves on top of the apartment complex made sleeping unbearable. It's just that I'm not sure I can bear grandma getting run over by a reindeer for the umpteenth time before even having a chance to banish my yard witch back to the shed...

Everyone knows who Jimmy Buffet was, right? Well, he has little to do with anything other than the fact that he makes me hungry. Of course, this surname obviously has a silent "t", but when I see the word buffet, my mind does not autocorrect. And that is because there are few things more seductive than a full-frontal food orgy when your hollow belly is rumbling with the vacant echo of distant thun...

Where is this gate of which they speak? The one that you carelessly enter that leads you into a string of bad decisions, eventually overtaking your better sense of judgment where you surrender to any resistance against an ugly dependency on cocaine and heroin. It starts out harmlessly, just a couple puffs on a joint because you caved to the peer pressure of your cool buddies or older brother and h...

Everyone has known a fat guy that parties, right? Well, maybe not orthodox religious zealots, but that's just because they don't have a buddy who drinks, does blow, drops Molly, and then drenches his clothes with sweat from bouncing erratically on the dance floor to seizure-inducing EDM. Your loss, peeps. Either way, the iconic Blutarski character made popular by John Belushi in the movie Animal H...

People are desperate to escape. And the self-administering of mind-altering substances is the quickest method for your surefire jailbreak from life's doldrums. However, as these poisons are a guaranteed way to stimulate the synapses for easy access into La La Land, sleeping off the hangovers is a bitch. If you wake up at all. But we are weak to temptation, proving that the cheap flight off the rea...

She used to be more fun. You could ask her where to bury a dead body, and her reply was playfully non-resistant, on board for a senseless jab. But something happened because she appears to have lost her sense of humor. What, did she get indicted for a murder charge? Did we get married? We had such a fresh love affair in the beginning, but it's gotten predictable where the spark of excitement has f...

love Asian food, but in case you couldn't tell from the title, I'm not a big fan of Bok Choy. In fact, I think it's how you say fuck you in a foreign language. And I think the word for love is Pho.  I get your confusion; we're talking about a food item here, not an ex who brought home a surprise STD. Therefore, there's no justification to treat it with equal vitriol. It's just that my hands are ex...