Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column

Call me an asshole, but I think this pandemic has been the best thing to happen to the planet in the last 100 years. And what's good for the gander is good for the goose. Meaning what's good for the big blue marble is good for those that inhabit it. Speaking of geese, man do they lay down a lot of poop. But it enriches the soil, which we're gonna need when the acid rains force down the brown air o...

So, the Superzero piece was such a phenomenon, I figured I'd re "hash" the old formula! So here comes another family friendly storyline targeted specifically to exploit your personal lack of adventure by appealing to your desperate need for the cheap escapism of unchallenging film making while knowingly relinquishing art for pure profit. So, in the name of the major Hollywood movie studios, thank...

Davey Dabs will tell you that he recalls being in the womb. "It's my earliest memory", he contemplatively whispers as vapor pours from the nostrils like a chugging steam engine in slow motion. The legs are crossed in Zen mode while recounting the event with deep transcendence. This was his first and most important challenge and he is grateful for the fortitude and extreme luck that blessed him in...

You can learn a lot from ants. In fact, we are not as unalike as you probably think. I know, you think they look like freaky little spindly aliens, but so do lobsters, and you don't seem too disgusted when shoving one of those fucker's butter drenched rudders into your mouth, do you? Would ants be delicious if dipped in drawn butter? The answer to that is yes. Anyway, ants and people have been coh...

I'd like to make a suggestion. How about we put a pause on the whole superhero thing for a minute? I get it, these fun-filled blockbusters are colorful, entertaining, and difficult to ignore, but so is a commercial for Applebees where everything is visually appealing, but basically cheap and filling. And when the party's over you feel bloated and a little sugar drunk from the happy hour amalgamati...

The fog reached eastward from the coast and over the bay that Saturday morning, lifting outwardly to expose the heavens that exist beyond the sky in a mystical place where ideas manifest. Somehow that day--we may never understand how—a rogue portal channeled the inexplicable energy into a non-descript west coast suburb, unknowingly effecting popular culture with a rare quirk. As the subject of thi...

The cigarette industry has really taken it in the butt this century, so can we please focus on some positives? After all, as we evolve toward a more tolerant society insistent upon creating a level playing field of fairness for everyone, we really should stop the addiction shaming. Sure, those fine orally fixated folks are willingly welcoming a small forest fire into their respiratory system with...

Everyone knows who Jimmy Buffet is, right? Well, he has little to do with anything other than the fact that he makes me hungry. Of course, this surname obviously has a silent "t", but when I see the word buffet, my mind does not autocorrect. And that is because there are few things more seductive than a full-frontal food orgy when your hollow belly is rumbling with the vacant echo of distant thund...

It's pretty evident that our economic system is fortified by keeping the average living organism dumb and sick. Force fed to fatten the liver, we choke down beer like good stewards who appreciate the small escape that a laugh and a cheap buzz affords, giving into the tactful marketing with the same blind trust we have for politicians and corporate CEOs.   Don't question authority.   There's no nee...

Since when did everyone's feelings become the most imperative asset to protect in life? I mean, I'm all for fairness across the board, but your anxiety for anything unfamiliar is fucking annoying.   Now, you sensitive snowflakes who feel violated when something unexpected or uninvited enters your personal bubble, please realize that for the past 200,000 years human beings have choked down a cornuc...

I think it is safe to say that New Year's Eve is the most optimistic day of the year. You can't deny that whatever is going on in your life, there's always the inspiring prospect that with the flip of a fresh calendar, the vivid sun emerging over the horizon promises to shine on you with prosperity, casting that rich golden glow onto your fresh start into emerging new areas of success. Aspiring to...

The actress Bette Davis once said that getting old is not for the faint of heart. And the reason for this assessment of absolute accuracy is because after managing your life over the earth's crust for enough seasons, the force of attraction by which terrestrial bodies tend to fall toward the center of the earth begins to have an effect on your physicality.   That's what gravity is.   But don't be...

If you ever wanna get out of something that you don't feel like doing, like work for instance, or for that matter anything that requires effort—well, claiming mental illness is great justification! And there are more options than ever these days, each with its very own prescription to help you avoid the daily nuisance of validating your contribution to society. Simply select a condition that comfo...

The universe is ever evolving. Change is constant. Therefore, as energy continues to manifest everywhere, we too transform. It is this energy that connects everything. But everything does not evolve in the same way. And although it is still evolution, some things devolve. And sadly, as the de-evolution of human connection seems to endure at the behest of advancing technology, so goes love. This is...

Remember the movie Interview with the Vampire? Well, the protagonist's name was Lestat and he was not referred to as simply Lestat, but very formally, The Vampire Lestat? Well Davey Dabs always dug that, so he said that when he becomes a rock star, this is how he would be infamously referred to. Davey Dabs has no intention of ever becoming a rock star. But neither did Kurt Cobain. Davey Dabs plays...

A sure-fire way to generate self-validation these days is to make the claim that you've been insulted. Which is easiest to accomplish when you are part a group. You see, we attach our identities to affiliations and that affiliation provides a sense of security because when others share your point of view, your opinions become validated. And if someone discriminates against you, they are discrimina...

THE DATING GAME Remember that television show from the old days called The Dating Game? Before a live studio audience, they would hide an eligible bachelor, or bachelorette behind a screen to ask questions to three contestants of potential relationship material. The purpose was to explore compatibility with the ultimate reward of romance. The questions were saucy, the young and delightful particip...

A beautiful pair of sunglasses is an effective, immediate means to gaining status. But there is a method to the heist. For the casual passerby, there is something about the mystery behind those veiled lenses that injects a jolt of curiosity, wondering if they have serendipitously caught a glimpse of someone famous. Even if for only a split-second, they will incredulously wonder if they have happen...

If you're concerned about federal legalization, know that it is only a matter of time. Cannabis is a weed and weeds find a way to emerge through the cracks. Like the culture itself, weed is indistinguishable. We are weeds. It's easy to speculate that possibly the main reason there's not already an ounce in every bread basket is largely due to the theory that the medical industry isn't too down wit...

It's funny, you know? We have longer life spans than ever before in the history of our species, but less time for shit. So, to clear out some of that unwanted clutter like language and such, it makes natural sense to condense our words and phrases into convenient little, digestible acronyms. Because the more you abbreviate your words the more time you save and are therefore able to accomplish more...

Remember that dude on Jersey Shore who called himself The Situation? Well, this has absolutely nothing to do with him. So, now that we have gotten that out of the way, let us pontificate. As kids, it is safe to say that for most of us the proverb Waste Not, Want Not was stuffed into our mushy little brains as much as the Cookie Monster stuffed Oreos into his stoned mouth. In fact, Cookies is now a...

It was the sexiest move ever. For those of you who have no context from which to draw for the legendary Shotgun, it was the old school move of smoothness where you took a lit joint, flipped it around and carefully cupped your lips over the center without touching the cherry. You then forced an exhale, pressing the smoke outward through the hole and into the recipient's open mouth without drenching...

Walking toward the car with a Justin Bieber song stuck in my head, I was momentarily overcome with that strange instinctual sense that a playful baby hippopotamus might be wandering nearby. And just as the attention returned to focus, the right foot planted into a warm pile of freshly birthed dog doo that sent my leg sliding forward into a 1970's disco split right there next to the driver's side d...

I'm sure there has been someone through the course of history who has died as a result of bananas. Or at least one banana. Like, there must be one person who has slid on a banana peel, fallen awkwardly, broken their hip, become immobilized, and kicked the proverbial bucket. In fact, I'll bet there's someone who has died from kicking a bucket, but that's another hunk of baloney. Times have changed...

Wow, was 4/20 this year a bust, or what? I mean, Marvel's Black Widow being bumped for a later release was disappointing, but this takes the meaning of anticlimactic to a new level. Yay, live streaming is so much fun! Not. I mean, we really could've used a quick hit of morale for our annoyingly short attention spans and lackluster lives because the thrill of fantasy films and tiger kings is losing...