Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column

You plumberjacks better enjoy this short phenomenon while it lasts because shockingly, right now if you resemble the walrus in Fantasia who gobbles up helpless baby oysters and you have a beard, women can potentially find you sexy. And that shit hasn't happened since…well, it's never happened. Maybe that's not accurate. I mean, the Vikings were beardacious, but I'm pretty sure they lived off pollo...

It was the hot dab that did me in. Thank you, my airheaded, rookie administrator, for enlightening me to what the inside of a barrel of a flame thrower is like when delivering a mechanical dragon's demonstration of unbridled fury. And just when I managed to inhale something that resembled actual air, the entire experience was deepened upon identifying the sensation of having swallowed a sleeping p...

She who creates the post always looks her best. And in the league of personal brand development, we need every advantage when pitching our lives to the masses. There is little room for imperfection. One unfiltered, compromising hangover photo of stringy morning hair tied into a haphazard bun can be disastrous. One side profile of baggy sweatpants with a protruding belly can do you in, or even wors...

The tragic miscalculation of digital driving directions can be the cause of great stress. Because when you're lost, everything appears foreign. Your surroundings are unfamiliar, you find yourself flustered and exposed. This is a dark and confusing place where suddenly every turn, every sidewalk, and every streetlight looks identical. Your sense of security vanishes, leaving you vulnerable and frig...

Davey Dabs brought home a movie and inserted it into his VHS player while we were all hanging out one afternoon. The picture was called Death Race 2000 where there is a competition in retiring people by taking them out in juiced up, retro-futurized race cars. Seeing that Davey Dabs was a Frogger champion in the 7th grade, it made sense that he would romanticize the idea of smushing ordinary people...

Try to share your beer with just about anyone these days and they'll thanklessly grimace at your unsanitary gesture. You may as well have just mauled a garlic seasoned smelt melt and then offered them a French Kiss. "Germs are microscopic," they think to themselves. "How can I be certain I won't catch a cold sore?" Or perpetuate a pandemic. If it's a fancy cocktail in a martini glass, a polite per...

It's getting extremely difficult to differentiate between feelings in the cyber world and the real world. I mean, how do you know the true intention of someone who communicates with smiley faces blowing heart kisses, or gushes copious amounts of tears when they find something to be funny, yet won't return your phone call for four days? Come to think about it, I can't remember the last time I laugh...

Everyone has seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, right? Well Slugworth, in case you have the memory of Dori the Fish, is the creepy, long-faced fucker who scares kids straight. Kind of like that sinister, spider-like pervert in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang who smells children better than his own farts, but that's an entirely different thesis. These guys are good old-fashioned villains. Stories...

A lot of people need to dry out and they know it. So, getting sober is an annual challenge some of my friends will undertake for around thirty days, usually the same month every year. And it's not like they enjoy this exile, but in their mind, the abstinence is a necessary evil that is going to miraculously stave off an early grave. And rehab. We all know that the body can't reverse liver and hear...

It's a woman who is just a friend. Except a guy can't call her a girlfriend like a girl can call another girl a girlfriend. You see, if a man publicly addresses his friendgirl as a girlfriend, the silence stews amongst those within earshot, the brows lift, and the inquiries eventually fly like hail in a tornado. Be aware, gentlemen, that the examination will begin suggestively. First, you'll pick...

My mom's cat, Sophie, appeared to be having a shitty day. Who knows why? She just wasn't moving much. And it looked like her health was fine but she seemed to be displaying a higher than normal degree of who gives a fuck. I mean it just felt like she didn't really care if we were around at all. There was this unusual level of apathy that emanated from her generally chipper aura, and it was clearly...

There are too many damn choices these days. You wake up, throw on the standard comfort wear, and now you're armed and ready to start ruling out inferior options in just about every aspect of life. Thankfully, some of your choices are pre-determined, like which coffee you'll drink, where you'll sit at the breakfast table, and how to get to where you're going. Then there are those that are not pre-d...

Religion is a mess. Like can't we just consolidate the roughly four-thousand two hundred plus doctrines of belief into one handy little guidebook that reflects something like the Ten Commandments and call it a day. And if it pisses you off, we don't even have to call it the Ten Commandments. I don't care what you call it, just don't call me late for dinner. Because when you think about it, all den...

The whole thing was a Whirlwind. Literally. That was the name of the fabulous travelling amusement ride she so deftly operated. Sometimes the energies of the heavens are in complete synchronicity and a bolt of lightning can change your trajectory. There was an actual graphic of a bolt of lightning on the side of the structure, you see, and it was the bad-assedness of this bolt that I commented on...

No one wins in a break-up. Even if you're the executioner fully prepared to drop the guillotine's blade, there is always some level of disappointment that comes with unrealized expectations. And when your trusted partner finds themself incapable of ending a relationship in a personal way, opting instead for the path of least confrontation, the empty void can be tough to fill. When love and infatua...

If Mozart was alive today, he would be the biggest fucking rock star in the world. The dude had a severe command of melody and everyone who has made music since is blatantly ripping him off. Furthermore, every note he produced was without the luxury of a recording studio, or any way to augment the sounds other than through the clever orchestration of combining a collaboration of instrumentation, w...

Where is this gate of which they speak? The one that you carelessly meander through that leads you into a string of bad decisions, ultimately overtaking your better sense of sound judgement where you surrender to any resistance against an ugly dependency on cocaine and heroin. Suuuuure, it starts out harmless, just a couple puffs on a joint because you caved to the peer pressure of your cool buddi...

Spell check did me a solid. I was with my buddy, Davey Dabs. I was texting the word Indica, and before finishing, through some algorithmic wizardry quite foreign to my caveman ability to analyze esoteric computations, the prefix of the word immediately spawned a search engine result which appeared on the screen as the word "Indication". For a moment, as my left eyebrow slowly curled upward like a...

People have been attempting to place identifiable descriptors to the days of the week for as long as there have been calendars. And as technology has advanced and created more demand for higher yields outside of the once standard nine to five workday, our schedules have fluctuated, signifying that we are now officially a twenty-four-hour society. Therefore, it's safe to say that the timetable that...

It couldn't be avoided. Something had to be said. Sometimes a guy needs to be told what's up. Because there's a cultural threshold of which most of us are aware and for those who aren't, it's vital that they be shown perspective. We're talking about the survival of humanity. You see, there are times when you can continue to turn your head and pretend that you're not bothered by something immeasura...

I have a lot of friends and many of us share a common thread woven into the fabric of who we are, which gives us cohesion. And it is the fact that we all love Cannabis. So, it's no surprise that we're often looking for new and interesting ways to be entertained by circumstances that somehow offer a slight bend on our perspective that other people would find predictable and commonplace. Because wit...

Everywhere you go these days, someone is attempting to influence people with a positive message. And thankfully so, because we need a counterbalance to the negative propaganda being force fed to us through biased media sources steered by oligarchs serving their multi-national agendas. And the more positive the messages from these encouraging people are, the more nourishment for not just our indivi...

Bring up anything to my friend Rachel the Ripper that has to do with people attempting to strategically advance a ball toward an advantageous area outlined by boundaries that will result in points on a scoreboard, no matter the context, and she'll look at you with the same blank expression as Garfield the Cat. "Time is precious. Great moments are few. So why would you knowingly squander them on su...

I remember you could slice the humidity with a butter knife that mid-summer day, and the name of the music festival only hinted at the relentless southern heat that deep fried the New Orleans air like a beignet at Café Du Monde in the French Quarter. There I was, a carefree young adult borrowing any available shade in the vendor's kiosks when my eye accidentally caught sight of a black cotton, wov...

I'll tell you something, in about 10 years, you bullies better watch your asses. That's because you do not want to mess with a dude who's been well-trained in martial arts. And these days, it's awfully popular with the youngins who aren't too down with team sports. Some of them are nomads, riding solo, hanging in the shadows, maybe a little anti-social. At face value, they can appear to be easy pr...