Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column

I talk to myself sometimes. Ok, all the time. Call me strange if you want, but the reality is that everyone wants to be heard and no one listens to you more intently than yourself. And where other people will often respond with unsolicited advice, the real opinion that is most beneficial to your situation is your own because no one is going to give it to your straighter than you are to yourself. U...

I think it's time for a power move where start replacing the same old overused words with something new and more hip. Because we all know (since we're 21 and older) that if you don't constantly keep changing things up, you may find yourself stuck with the same vernacular your parents used and that is just not an option. So, evolving the revolving door of trends is vital to leaving an imprint on hi...

We all know what this means, right? But in case you've been held hostage in a dental office waiting room for the past decade tortured with easy listening music and nine-month-old gossip magazines, it's an acronym for Laughing My Fucking Ass Off. Which implies that someone is overcome with a howling expression of jubilation. And this reflex is so genuine that it goes beyond the ability to contain o...

Cannabis got cheated. About a hundred years ago, prohibition was passed "to cure the ill society" by eliminating liquid courage and other sinful excesses, making the 1920's the decade where wetting the whistle got replaced by the Crossword Puzzle and Charlie Chaplin. Being an alcoholic must have sucked. Being a stoner would have been worse. Because although they couldn't make liquor go away, they...

Don't buy it. Because you'll eat it. I know, you're saying, "And?" But you're not eight years old anymore and when the metabolism slows down, the pounds hang around. If you don't give a shit, fine. Enjoy your flavorful, beautiful, abbreviated life. But for anyone concerned about health and appearance, ice cream can be the forbidden lust held captive in your refrigeration chamber of torture, beckon...

"I can hear you, can you hear me?" This is the sound of modern frustration. "Hello? I'm here, are you there?" Dumb question, right? I mean, yes, they're obviously still there, having not spontaneously combusted into a pile of ash, or vaporized into a pool of bong water. And you're still actually in the same place you were standing, sitting, driving through a tunnel, watching television, eating din...

"Yeah right." Then there's a short pause. "What're you doing?" This is how my girlfriend communicates. "I'm sitting here on the couch reading while you do stuff on your laptop," I respond. The question was code. What's really being said is that she's now ready to move on to something else that involves me. She uses Yeah Right a lot. And it can mean just about anything. It's one of those umbrella p...

Every guy in the world owes a beer to the dude who invented yoga pants. Because he, thankfully, killed Mom Jeans like Grunge music killed Cock Rock back in the day. And I think everyone can agree that yoga pants are a vast improvement. All women look better in them, no matter the shape, and no matter whether they've ever even attempted a downward dog. Yoga pants are always an improvement. You ladi...

I was in a cannabis retail shop and heard a man call weed "weeds". He meant to call it weed, but he mistakenly added an "s". It was a silly slip up, but not really. Because he was right, they are weeds. But a lot of people call it flower. So, which is it? The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines weed as: A valueless plant growing wild Any desirable or troublesome plant, especially one that grows pro...

According to one of the world's most highly revered modern thinkers, my buddy Davey Dabs, that is. It should be noted that he does not intend to live to the age of 40 and I personally don't think it's a bad way to size up life. I mean, at least he's got a plan. The man is a munchies machine and will pair anything with anything, a self-proclaimed panfoodial. He heard the term pansexual and came up...

Now I'm going to sound politically incorrect here but know that I have empathy for the homeless. However, not everyone who begs is homeless. Some of these fine people just wish to capitalize on your inability to look away. We've all pulled up to an intersection where there is a panhandler on full display and your first thought is one of annoyance, "Gee whiz, I did not ask for this." Only a moment...

They call them the good dope days, but that's a complete misnomer. There was very little good about it. The quality was inconsistent, there was never talk about pesticides or growth hormones, and to use the words Sativa, Indica, or Cannabidiol, you may as well have been speaking Icelandic. And often it was dry. Meaning, there were tense times of archeological searches beneath couches and between c...

I have a friend named Davey Dabs. And much to the perplexment of those who consider him a pal, he is seemingly always attempting to influence, or impress. We're certain that this need for attention is inspired by something that predates adulthood, but it's a theory that isn't addressed out of the sheer fear that he may snap. We just sit back, watch, and hope for the best. It's all you can do. We c...

Friday is the best day of the week. It's why party goers get really excited for Thursday nights. With tact, you can cheat your way to a long weekend, effectively turning Friday into an extra weekend day. Then you have two Saturdays, but Friday is better because you know you still have Saturday ahead. All you have to do is muddle through one more day of responsibilities and then it's a Friday night...

Uh oh, I've crossed the line. Boy, am I gonna get my ass kicked now. I stated the opinion that everyone else is thinking, but too afraid to actually voice. At least openly in public. And the last thing you want to do is belittle the thing to which these irreputable enthusiasts attach their identity, because if you insult the motorcycle, you insult the person driving it. And that's a sure-fire way...

In countries like Iran and Yemen. I mean, I assume it's horrible. I've never been stoned before, at least that way. stoning is a measure of torture. In fact, it is considered a form of capital punishment whereas a group essentially pelts a person with rocks until they die. Ok, I think we can agree that it's horrible and drop the assumption. So, how did the term "getting stoned" happen its way into...

Who's got a sturdy noose handy so I can hang myself and end the misery? As if the steady banging of neon flashing little boy shoes with the tiny roller wheels into the back of my seat isn't enough, there's the incessant whining that is unsuccessfully quelled with parental coddling that makes me want to set the whole fucking airplane on fire. Rather than a good old scolding, the mother reasons, gui...

It happened in the co-ed dormitory at college. There I was chatting it up outside of someone's room in the hallway when I heard the words splattered out in a high pitch cheer. "Mikey"! It is one of my buddies who is twice my size. He comes charging down the hallway with what I think is going to be a loving bear hug. Which is indeed the case. Until midway through when he spontaneously decides to ap...

"People on 'ludes should not drive." This elementary declaration made by the infamous Jeff Spicoli from the 1980's movie Fast Times at Ridgemont High should ring indisputable to anyone who's ever clutched a steering wheel (The Quaalude was a popular sedative in the 70's). And if you've seen the movie, you'll remember the defining scene where the epitome of stoner stupidity is blatantly displayed j...

Remember that movie where the guy is dying of thirst in the desert and he keeps thinking that he sees water up ahead, but it's only a mirage? Well that is what your brain is doing when it tells you that if you drink more alcohol, you'll feel better. And be more amazing. And be a more amazing singer. You know how it works; the progression casually begins at Friday happy hour with a beer and a shot...

My roommate had a bag of Funyuns. I had a bag of Nacho Cheese flavored Doritos. My other friend had brought over a bag of Sour Cream Ruffles with ridges that he mistakenly left on the coffee table the night before next to the bong, the rolling tray, and the dab rig. There was a Domino's pizza box with a couple pieces left over, too. We heated up the pizza and placed one slice on two separate plate...

Back before the millennium, there was a Tao of everything. There was a book called The Tao Of Pooh, even a movie called The Tao Of Steve. Never had the West been so interested in Eastern culture as America fused the secrets of the orient with other crazes of the modern era. Suddenly, trends like Kung Fu and Kawasakis had their place in the annals of history with Mullets and the Macarena. Many fade...

Everybody has that one friend who refuses to compromise. This can be annoying, often resulting in your embarrassment. But their nature is so original and their intentions so solid, that when they are not around, you find yourself talking about them more than anyone else you know. Being their friend is like going on tour with a juggling circus bear on a tightrope. It's cringeworthy entertainment to...

I was going to write an entry here, but then I got high. It was a distillate. The buzz lasted for about 30 minutes and then I nose-dived like a Kamikaze into an aircraft carrier. And it wasn't the happy, creative, energetic feeling that I get from a full spectrum oil that's loaded with indigenous cannabinoids, but instead I was agitated and teetering on the verge of paranoia. "When is this going t...

Leaving Las Vegas is like coming down off cocaine. It sucks. Well, probably because you are coming down off cocaine. Because there's nothing fun about returning to your mild-mannered desk job after getting a taste of what it's like to be a rock star. In fact, no one ever said, "Thank God that's over, now I get to go back to my accounting firm." Ok, maybe someone did say that. Like, an accountant w...