Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column

Guess what the leading cause for divorce is. Marriage. You know why? Because when you're young and horny and good looking and fit and ambitious and wild and optimistic and horny, the idea of growing old with someone who can shoulder half the responsibilities seems like a great plan. And the honeymoon sounds like a blast. Who wouldn't want an exotic, all-expenses paid vacation on the family dime wh...

Who doesn't love robots? I'll bet even the Dali Lama loves robots. Cats don't like robots, but that's their problem. I'm pretty sure my vacuum cleaner is a robot. Ever since the 1950's when television popularized human-like machines with electronic voices and construction crane extremities, we've imagined a future of leisure where we'll never have to butter our own toast, change the channel, or be...

Alexander the Great, what a fucking name! But how much do you actually know about him? Sure, he was a successful conqueror and all, but how successful do you have to be in your lifetime, or how many victories to you have to compile, to deserve the title "the Great"? I mean, a guy can call himself that all day long, but for other people to do it and do it for a couple thousand years and counting, h...

Puppy dog breath. Can you define the smell? Because it doesn't smell like anything else. They are so new and young, but their breath is borderline noxious. Is it the food, or an odd combination of a strange bacteria paired with the culture of milk from the mommy? What is it that goes on in that soft, warm potbelly? It's a tough smell to put your finger on. It's kinda like a three-day old re-heated...

Human Beings are fragile organisms. We all are quite aware that this precious life of ours can be gone in a split second without much warning at all. At any given moment, a satellite dish could literally crash your party. A rogue solar flare could flash fry half the planet into a sunburned ass cheek. You could wake up dead. You could slip on a banana peel. Every day, everywhere you go, there are r...

It was an album by the band Gin Blossoms in the nineties. And so was Definitely Maybe by Oasis, an oxymoron that represented the slacker mode of unmotivated and pridefully bitter twenty-somethings. This was the decade of gloom, where pessimism derailed eighties optimism and the machine of Reagan era excess broke down with a plume of smoke billowing from distant Baby Boom in the fields of Vietnam....

He who holds the television remote controls the destiny of the room. He who controls the destiny of the room is the Room Wizard. And as we all know from seeing the steely Lord Voldemort get his ass handed to him by Harry Potter, magic is a very powerful phenomenon that only the most seasoned conjurers have license to harness. And magic is precisely what the television remote is. Now, manipulating...

You don't have to have a degree in communications to know that one of the most positive connections between two people is the High Five. And by the way, if you do have a communications degree, expect a career in sales. Which leads to closing deals. Which leads to High Fives. All things that are celebrated in the world can be substantiated by a sturdy overhead slapping of hands. Because when you th...

Finding the meaning to life has been the crux of being human since cavemen started scribbling pictures on their living room walls. Well before Confucius quipped sayings like, "He who runs behind bus becomes exhausted," and Bill and Ted waxed philosophic with Socrates along their excellent adventure, people have developed billions of headaches in search of the ultimate purpose. And the ways and pla...

The sound of farting is funny. Call me immature, but if the timing is just right, the surprise audio booty burst of creaking wood, or the short brunt of a brass instrument, can be playfully startling, resulting in a good giggle. Even my 70-year-old Victorian bred mother finds small moments of joy in the embarrassment of those who become the butt of her connivery. She'll covertly plant a remote con...

The sound of farting is funny. Call me immature, but if the timing is just right, the surprise audio booty burst of creaking wood, or the short brunt of a brass instrument, can be playfully startling, resulting in a good giggle. Even my 70-year-old Victorian bred mother finds small moments of joy in the embarrassment of those who become the butt of her connivery. She'll covertly plant a remote con...

You want to know if I did it. Of course not, are you out of your fucking mind? I understand that the title may have revved your imagination, but no person of sound mind would, or should ever attempt such a psychotic journey into the darkest recesses of one's essential nature for any reason. The mental stability of a thrill seeking individual bent on this ultimate experiment would have to be seriou...

There are some things in life you just can't unsee. A dog getting hit by a car. Your parents tongue kissing in front of the fireplace. The back side of a 276 pound plumber wearing Carhartts bought at 243 who engages you in professional conversation about pee traps while awkwardly arching his back for a distinct angle on the garbage disposal. But as with everything that exists in the universe, ther...