Stellar Firma

Alex here with an exciting announcement! RQ network is a podcast network by podcasters for podcasters. We will start by championing the greatest in audio drama podcasting. Beginning with FIVE exciting shows you can listen to right now on rustyquill.com Not to fear we will still be producing plenty of new Rusty Quill Original Podcasts. Join us in welcoming: Cryptids Written by Alexander V Thompson...

Episode 73 - Moths and Miraculous Empathy Penelope Dorp has informed us that The Weavers of the Grand Mum Guild, purveyors of the finest of mass produced Knitware have started making hostile plans against Stellar Firma for refusing lucrative Knitware tie-in deals and encouraging people towards warmer, sunnier, non-sweater-based holidays. Strategic War Plan: discover selfish empathy; totally don’t...

Episode 72 - Clone Suite and Clandestine Succour Gloreetaa, copyright lawyer, has informed us that The Discoballers are menacing any company involved in the production of spheres, as they claim they have copyright. Strategic War Plan: a fifth column of legal bees; quandary camp songs for morale; fire; funk antithesis; therapists (assassins(?)); sympathetic fireworks; talk to Terry. Content Warning...

Episode 71 - Bathin and Ballistics Head of Ballistics Akteraks is providing introductory training to the new Senior Consultants for Business Warfare. Yula Nozz has informed us that Pokey & Beam Space Law is looking to organise a class action space suit (different to a spacesuit) against Stellar Firma Ltd, in order to prevent it from damaging the natural planetary development of the universe an...

Episode 70 - Self-Assessment and Self-Advancement Line Manager Hartro Piltz conducts an entirely impartial self-assessment of the team to ascertain how well they think they have done. The results may shock you - or not - but regardless, all assessments are final once signed off by a line manager. Content Warning for: Alcohol use & alcoholism Bullying/taunting Emotional abuse Emetophobia (inc S...

Episode 69 - Posturing and Proliferation Alisón Prince-Bruleé of the Intergalactic Coalition of Toaster Repair Excellence Acknowledgement Board is receiving a huge number of submissions, due to the ambiguous classification of what is and is not a toaster. They need help either with narrowing the definition or with improving the systems that deal with the submissions. Management Consultants’ advice...

Episode 68 - Slides and Sass Count Eugenia Rutalowska of the Count's Corporeal Carpet Cleaning Company needs assistance due to a logistical mishap i.e. instead of carpet cleaner they now have cabernet. Management Consultants’ advice: sass, backchat, no brain socks, mean puppets, nude hands, onesies only, give glove puppets a chance, competitive hate, pop up bar experience, cabernet clubhouse, mash...

Episode 67 - Sagacity and Social Mobility Makvala Agryris is a representative of CRISPR, a company that re-animates pets for their owners but have been too successful in developing the cognitive abilities of their customers' creatures. They require advice as to how to keep their customers happy now that the pets are showing a desire to build up military might. Management Consultants’ advice: activ...

Episode 66 - Nets and New Contributors Stefan Beetlevox, Head Bartender of The Cosmic Lounge, is concerned about a downturn in sales and would like advice on regaining market share. Management Consultants’ advice: musical mind parasites, targeted smear rapping, knives, branded graph friends (coasters), wider vents, remove facial recognition, more customer hierarchy and teen novel angst. Content Wa...

Episode 65 - Apathy and Antagonisation Line Manager Hartro Piltz proposes a fundamental change to team structure in response to non-specified performance-related issues during routine inquisitation and bequestionment. Content Warning for: Emotional abuse Bullying/taunting Depression Arguments Restraints & interrogation Panic Discussions of: cults, existential futility, violence & injuries...

Episode 64 - Magical Chutes and Moral Cahoots The Supreme Blagwith is finding that The Supreme Blagwith’s worshipper-employees are not dying fast enough due to concerns of “not wanting to be dead” and The Supreme Blagwith would like advice on how to make The Supreme Blagwith’s worshipper-employees die more efficiently. Management Consultants’ advice: A big grinder, tenants following the tenets of...

Episode 63 - Crushing Tables and Crushing Dreams Antoinette-Marie of The Happy Earth Zoo is having issues with knowing which of her animals are going to maul or eat visitors to the Zoo, or failing that, how not to be held responsible. Management Consultants’ advice: Burn down the zoo, disclaimers, hug-chomp Venn diagram, check the face for chompers, sub-Trexel sizing, poison?, lovely eyes, keep-aw...

Episode 62 - Temporal Woes and TimeBot Shows The Time Management division would like help with the many dangerous time pockets that are created in the day-to-day product of planets. This will improve safety, productivity, and much more importantly cut down on staff overtime. Management Consultants’ advice: Laser Hawkapult TM, public/private money vortex, honk snakes, hammer forms, Board cans, SPLT...

Episode 61 - Viciousness and Vice Admirals A client who would prefer to maintain their anonymity (known only as Scarlette) is looking for advice on at what point below board transactions spill over into full blown space piracy. Records also indicate that consultants were joined by Vice Admiral Fun for motivational support reasons. Management Consultants’ advice: imagi...

After an unscheduled visit from Fern Creature, Line Manager Hartro Piltz assesses ongoing consultancy efforts. Line manager also conducts basic interrogation resistance training with variable success.   Content Warning for: Emotional abuse Bullying / taunting Shouting Existential crisis Physical violence Emotional manipulation & gaslighting  Mentions of: childhood trauma, a...

Episode 59 - Censuses and Couplets The Client Corthinos the Perplexed of the Placaters of Planetary Puzzles is requesting assistance due to the increasingly puzzling planets created by Stellar Firma Ltd. making it impossible to placate their deeply confused owners. Management Consultants’ advice: deploy the Puzzlemaster, bake the active yeast, eat the chard, designatory japes, bring the knowledge...

Episode 58 - Ecology and External Assistance The client, Goral Throgmar of the Construct-A-Creature corporation, is requesting legal assistance due to mounting complaints against them for creating “monstrosities” that are “killing people”. The bailiffs are on the way to take their eyes. Management Consultants’ advice: lie about your address, reframe the debate, corporate b...

Episode 57 - Histrionics and High-Handedness The client, Zeith Fel, is looking for ideas for new productions for The Diabolical Flotilla Actors’ Guild to tour in the upcoming season. She has found that audiences are dwindling for their tours across the galaxy (entirely unconnected to the entirely justifiable destructive actions of Stellar Firma) and are in need of a hit. Management Consultants’ ad...

Episode 56 - Proselytising and (some) Progress The client, the Gademy Academy For Scholarly Hollers, is looking for budget and spending advice (ideally yelled) to help with their financial difficulties. Management Consultants’ advice: Not being a weak-necked fool; aggressively loud fonts; traditional organic unassisted yelling; more spartinacity; unclear pamphlets; misleading signs. Content W...

Management Consultancy Review. Line Manager Hartro Piltz to assess initial consultancy efforts, largely from bed for what can only be assumed to be efficiency reasons. Bill for destruction of celebratory sparkling slurry to be applied to Line Manager’s expense account. Content Warning for: Emotional Abuse Bullying / Taunting Alcohol & alcohol consumption Unhealthy relationships Discussions of:...

Free Time Man This one's for all the haters who are out there saying that I’ve got, Well, I‘ve not got much on, but you know I'm alright, I’ve got stuff… I'm fine Up in the morning, find a clean shirt, cuppa hot slurry, out to work Maintenance, that's the game I’m playing, mediocrity that's how I'm swayin’ Keepin’ these facilities clean and right, simulated dawn, simulated night Thi...

Survive You I was once a bright young thing, on my way, straight to the top Then suddenly you fell in my way like a drunken, overprivileged roadblock What did I do to deserve this constant stream of ignominy? All I ever wanted to do was serve the Board, faithfully I get blamed for the mistakes you make, they bounce off you and stick to me But it won’t always be this way, just you wait, y...

Not My Fault   It’s not my fault, I wasn’t there at the time You can’t prove that I did that crime Leave me be; oh let me be free No, no, wait come back, don't abandon me Everyone needs someone else to blame (ha ha!) That's just a rule of life, this silly game But if you try to point that finger here (well) I’ll hit you in the face, then disappear It's not my fault, that’s not one o...

IMOWHEN Boot up, all systems online, send the overnight fatalities to med bay nine Keep the oxygen flowing, all the time knowing, that the readouts are showing things are far from prime Keep it steady and ride, the catastrophe curve, obey the directive, I live to serve Is it living without pleasure, no time to stop for leisure, total commitment forever and ever? Just conceive a time when finally,...

Glad You're Alive (TREXEL) When I first met you, you were a baby I looked at you and I thought maybe Maybe you're the one who’ll stay alive Perhaps you’ll be the one to survive I’ve been hurt before, I know it’s true But perhaps it will be different with you Look at you so weak and stupid And we both know that the truth is Without me you’d be dead already Remember the trial you were like...