Speaking of Teens

  #23: Popularity, Friend Groups, and “Mean Girl Behavior” For adolescents, especially younger adolescents (tweens, middle schoolers, and even younger) being accepted into “the group” is THE most important thing on their radar. Their brains are wired to seek acceptance from their peers, and it literally feels like a life and death situation. These social issues are extremely complicated for teens...

“Discipline” is actually not what most of us think. It’s not about control, obedience, punishment or focused on consequences. Discipline is actually about teaching – teaching our kids the skills they lack and those they’ll need to be independent, mentally stable, and “successful” adults.  It’s about setting high expectations, clear and consistent limits and boundaries, in a respectful and loving w...

Risky behavior is inherent in teens and tweens. Risk taking is a necessary part of growing up and learning to be independent. But many of these risks could literally cost them their life.  Using drugs is one of those life endangering activities, especially with more and more illicit fentanyl being introduced into the drug supply by Mexican drug cartels. According to the DEA, these cartels illicitl...

Not exactly a deep topic but anxiety-provoking, nonetheless. Of course, teens need money, but should we just hand it out on an “as needed” basis or actually give them a certain amount each week or month (an “allowance”)? If we give them an allowance, how much do we give? Should the allowance be tied to performance (chores, grades, behavior) or paid completely independently? How often should allowa...

There’s just no other way to look at it. It’s a horrible, potentially debilitating monster that grabs hold of someone and hangs on for dear life.  And if that someone is your child…it can completely turn your world upside down. If you or one of your kids has suffered from it, you know what I mean. If not, then you’re still wise to listen to this episode because the likelihood you’ll have a brush w...

Last week I decided I wanted to draft a “Bill of Rights” for adolescents – a set of overarching guiding principles for parenting them effectively (with less drama, fewer power struggles, more autonomy, independence, and emotional intelligence).  As I searched the topic, I found a New York Times article from 1945 that was amazingly on point (and very entertaining!) With just a few minor updates, I’...

National Dating Abuse Helpline  1-866-331-9474 It’s far too likely that your son or daughter will, at some point in their teens, be in a relationship with someone who abuses them emotionally, or in which they abuse their partner emotionally. We often think of abuse as only physical or sexual - but it’s the emotional abuse that is the most common and works behind the scenes to keep the victim under...

In last week’s episode we discussed the inevitable conflict with your teen or tween is as they push for more autonomy while you try to maintain the correct amount of parental control. And we discovered the element of relatedness is the key to finding balance.  If you’ll recall, relatedness simply means (in a nutshell) that your teen feels free to give their honest opinions and share information wi...

One of the primary indicators that your child has become an adolescent is the increase in the amount of conflict you begin to have with them. Some conflict is inevitable as they begin pushing for more and more autonomy while you try to maintain a certain level of control.  It can be a real challenge to balance your desire to keep them safe and help them be successful with their ever-growing need t...

Overparenting (aka “helicopter parenting”) might not be exactly what you think. It’s much more common now, in our high-pressure society, than ever before. You may be doing it and not even realize. Afterall, you’re an involved and supportive parent, what’s wrong with that? Join me as I tell you: ·       how science draws the line between supportive parent and helicopter parent, ·       why we “hove...

Am I the only mom who didn’t realize many of my son’s emotional outbursts were symptoms of his ADHD? The doctors and psychiatrists don’t talk about it and “emotional dysregulation” isn’t even listed as a symptom of ADHD in the DSM-5.  We focus so much on the way ADHD impacts their academic performance, but emotional dysregulation takes an enormous toll on every facet of their life. So, it’s crucia...

NOTE: If you haven’t listened to episode #11, it’s not completely necessary but does provide an excellent foundation for today’s episode. Many parents struggle with how to best handle alcohol use in their teenagers. It’s hard not to feel that drinking alcohol is simply inevitable at their age. This mindset leads some parents to attempt to teach their kids “responsible drinking” at home (See episod...

In Western societies it seems teenagers are almost expected to drink at some point. While most parents don’t approve, some do feel it’s best if they’re the one to introduce alcohol to their kid rather than leaving it to someone else. What do you think?   Don’t jump to any conclusions. Join me as I review the science and then you can decide for yourself. Show Notes and Transcript Find our FREE Pare...

Our son struggled with anxiety and major depression during his teen years and began self-medicating and acting out in ways that literally put his life in danger. His behavior completely baffled us. We just couldn’t understand what was happening or how to help him change course. Whether you have a child who’s exploding with negative emotion, having a difficult time with their mental health, misusin...

Adolescent mental health has been in steady decline for years and we all know the pandemic was the cherry on top. Schools are in a prime position to help improve our teens’ mental health by integrating the right programs and services and eliminating harmful policies.   Schools need more mental health professionals on staff Gaps should be filled by teachers educated in mental health issues and tech...

Studies show that our level of emotional intelligence (“EQ”) directly affects our parenting skills and our relationship with our children and teenagers. The greater our EQ, the better our relationship is with them, the better adapted they are and the better their emotional development, mental health, and wellbeing. And foundational to EQ is emotional awareness and emotional regulation.  Listen as...

Whether you’re currently in panic mode about your teen or tween who’s spiraling out of control or just seeing the first glimpses that they may require more than weekly counseling, this episode is for you. Understanding the different levels of mental health and/or substance abuse care for your child and how to navigate that world is not something you want to learn on the fly. Just becoming familiar...

We know that because of their changing brain, teens and tweens are much more likely than adults or children to succumb to their unpleasant (“negative”) emotions like frustration, anger, nervousness, and gloominess.  For the same reason, they’re much more likely to engage in risky behaviors like substance use, reckless driving, posting inappropriately online and sex.  The part of the brain that hel...

Unfortunately, when you have kids (especially teens or tweens), getting through the divorce is merely the beginning. Studies show that what happens after the divorce can have a more negative impact on your kids than any conflict they witnessed during the marriage. Learn how to manage life after divorce keeping your teen's best interest in mind.  I’ll discuss 6 specific areas where many parent...

Our kids not only become more emotional during adolescence, but they may also begin doing things we never thought they would. Vaping, drinking, smoking weed, having sex…these are all very risky behaviors that they may be all too willing to try. Why does a kid who grew up saying they’d “never do XYZ” suddenly do XYZ?! Understanding what’s going on in our teen’s brain that causes them to do the thin...

Adolescence descends on us so fast! Not only do tweens get bigger and more stinky - they get ruder, moodier, grumpier and more emotional. You can blame most of this on the changes taking place in their brain. These neurobiological changes impact their thoughts, feelings, and behavior. They’re learning to navigate life at the mercy of a brain in flux…and it’s not easy for them. So, we must adjust o...

WARNING: Although this episode is not about suicide, I do read a portion of a teenager’s suicide letter at the beginning of the show. If you’d rather, you can skip ahead approximately 1 minute. You’re likely well aware that overall teen mental wellbeing has been in decline for years, and the pandemic has made it that much worse. But even before the pandemic one area of research has, over a period...

The scariest thing we will ever do, is to be a mom.  As our kids get older, the fear seems to intensify. We’re afraid of doing everything wrong, messing them up, making them hate us, being too strict, being too lenient. And as they move into adolescence, our fear can truly steer us wrong.  When they start making more serious mistakes, we begin pushing for more control, demanding obedience, using r...

Being the parent of a teen or tween can be complicated, confusing…even scary.  We’re no longer the center of their universe (friends slide into that position) and we have to learn a new role - one as trusted guide . And, as you know, Guiding is not easy. Their behavior, their choices now have more serious implications…and so do OURS. Welcome to Speaking of Teens, the podcast that teaches you the s...