Somebody Save Me: The Official, but MOSTLY Unofficial, Smallville Podcast

The Final Season Award Show Our end-of-season tradition continues with the season ten awards. Per usual, we vote for our best and worst moments of the season. If you're still here we love you and, also, hate you <3 Thank you to everyone for continuing to participate. If you're listening on Spotify make sure to vote on this episode's poll! As always, enjoy the show and leave those TE...

More like the LEAST horrible year No better way to end a series than with a Showtime children's special starring Allison Mack. One could say this is a prequel to Smallville , others would say it's an Eric Stoltz masterpiece. It's neither! Join us in reviewing a story by Nic Faulkner, who claims the worst year of her life was the year she had braces, got a boyfriend, gets a car built up...

Daddy's Boy & The Luthor Legacy Continuing from part one - Earth-2 Lionel finally remerges as the perverted father Tess always remembered. Lex returns for a glorious five minutes, but with a disgusting right hand. Oliver figures out he can defeat darkness with regular arrows. Jor-El is all of a sudden Daddy of the Year. Lois goes back to work and decides to infiltrate Air Force One. Clark...

Apokolips' Very Own Wedding Crasher: Darkseid Nothing like the entire planet of Apokolips as a wedding gift! The wedding is back on after Lois and Clark exchange their vows. Martha is pissed after finding out Clark sold the farm. Oliver is still a minion of darkness (or maybe drunk?). Tess is hanging out in Luthor Mansion rubble. Chloe now looks like Oliver. John Schneider makes a special gues...

The Pointless Bow & The Last of the Fat Toy-Eater Wow, so many things happen. Jor-El gives Lois and Clark the BEST wedding gift, which makes Lois basically call off the wedding. Kara has been kneeling down in a cave since episode three. Oliver finds the Bow of Orion and then loses to an old lady. Toyman returns with more toys to eat and a legion of cool villains we'll never see again. Laura Va...

Kneel Before Zod, Pt. XIV??? Slade Wilson returns from the Phantom Zone (don't worry, he's not in the episode. thank GOD.) and Oliver thinks it's the perfect bonding opportunity for him and Clark. The two head down to P.Z. and get captured by General Zod, who has been hosting his own thunderdome there. While the bros try to get back home, Tess and Lois are having girl time at Watchtower. FYI, "gir...

Booster Gold and The Blue Dumb Beetle Booster Gold arrives from the future to take Clark Kent's place, or rather "swagger jack" his destiny as the World's Greatest Superhero. Lois is a bit worried, but our C.K. only cares about finding the missing blue scarab from Kord Industries that's found its way onto the dumbest kid in town: Jaime Reyes. Meanwhile, Cat Grant is horny for Booster and Lois just...

Luthor, Pt. II: That's Not Your Dad Clark Luthor manages to find a way back to Earth-1 and traps our Clark back on Earth-2, where everyone knows his weakness. Jon Kent of Earth-2, a divorced drunk, takes C.K. hostage for ransom and somehow C.K. wants him as his daddy even MORE. As C.K. is fighting for a way back to his home, C.L. doesn't even try to hide his identity and only wants to kill Earth-2...

*** NSFW EPISODE *** Little Mikey, Pt. II: The Superboy Edition Alexander Luthor, Lex's clone, returns as "Conner" only for Tess to reveal that he's actually a clone of Lex and Clark's DNA. With now having a full on biological "reset" due to his Kryptonian genes, he has all of Clark's powers and needs a mentor. Clark basically says "gross" and Conner r...

The Hangover: Smallville Edition The Sisters, Megan (a.k.a. The Nurse) and Colleen, join us one last time as co-hosts this episode! The bachelor/bachelorette party takes a quick turn after the gang celebrates with a bottle of champagne...that was spiked by Zatanna herself. Once the hangover hits nobody can remember what happened the night before. Lois gambled away her engagement ring, Chloe thinks...

DisA$$ is... Welcome back to Chloe-ville! Chloe and Oliver have their fantasy date night turn into a murder orgy by another one of Darkseid's loyal servants, DeSaad. Eventually Clark comes to the rescue, but he needs to come up with a solution to his "disguise problem" before Lois calls off the wedding (JK, she never would). Yo, where's Tess?! Steve Byers ( Slasher , Immortals )...

APRIL FOOLS, BABY. "Hello, you've reached the Baker Family. Clark Kent isn't here right now, but leave a message and he'll get back to you next week." That's right! Two parents. Twelve kids. '02-'03 Tom Welling. Time to be happy again!

The Luthors Return... Martha Kent makes a return, so it's time for the heroes to go political. During her speech Martha gets shot by the missing Lex clone ("Alexander"), but now he's much older and even more gross-looking. On top of that, Earth-2 Lionel shows his face and learns how horny Martha makes him (again?). Clark somehow forgets he has fans, so Lois reminds him in the mos...

The Return of Chloe "JUST TRUST ME G.D.I.!" Sullivan Welcome to Smallville 's version of The Matrix where our heroes have been abducted by the V.R.A. enforcers and put into virtual "real world" simulator. Chloe, basically Neo, is using her virtual avatar in order to get Clark, Lois, Oliver, Dinah and the rest of the team back into reality. But guess what? They're having...

Mid Proposal. Mid Eye-Patch. Mid Funeral. The VRA has turned its enforcers into the Metropolis Gestapo and are cracking down on all suspected vigilantes and supporters. A somewhat decent marriage proposal, and banger engagement party, gets entirely overshadowed by General Slade's return and Hawkman's "death". Chloe also returns...in a flashback, smh. Michael Hogan and Michael Sha...

Transference, Pt. II: LuClark "I love my daddy" Luthor After being the official heir of Lionel Luthor, Tess receives a Kryptonian artifact that allows the user to swap places with their mirrored counterpart from Earth-2. Clark activates the device and goes to a world where he was raised by the Luthors, is a well-known murdered/tyrant called Ultraman, Oliver and Lois think he's a douche and apparen...

General Slade "Cagemaster" Wilson HUGE appearances this week as the Vigilante Registration Act gets its first hero sign-up: Oliver Queen. General Slade Wilson, who is not at all comic-accurate, hides his superhero concentration camps behind the VRA bill. AC, a.k.a. Orin, returns with his new wife Mera to destroy these secret torture spots. Clark is reluctant at first since the new couple is solid...

Smallville Presents: The Girl Called Lutessa Tess finally gets her long overdue origin story with none other than Granny Goodness! After reliving a memory in the form of a nightmare Tess is "called" back to the orphanage she was raised in, and drags Clark along with her. Lois is crying nonstop after watching her late mother's videotapes, and then decides to play mediator between Clar...

The Return of Senile Sam & Lucy Goosey After a sex-filled weekend for the new couple, the Lane family drops in on the Kent farm for an early Thanksgiving dinner. Lois is freaking out, but Clark isn't worried until Sam announces he's fighting to push for the new Vigilante Registration Act. Rick Flag returns in order to use Lucy to get to her father, which she happily does because she lo...

Escape, Pt. II / Wrong Turn 3.5: The Flat Tire Lois and Clark take a little couples getaway, but instead find themselves taken hostage by a blue Kryptonite cult disguised as a normal amish-type of town. The town's leader, Joseph, is determined to fulfill their annual ritual by using Lois as a sacrifice because she refused to eat their dinner. Meanwhile, the Alexander clone is aging rapidly (sh...

What took you so long? Lois gets possessed by an Egyptian goddess named Isis, real classic Smallville plot line, who is needing to resurrect her husband Osiris. Nope, it's not Black Adam like it should be but who cares? Not us, that's for sure. Oliver starts acting a little more douchey, so Tess calls him out on it. Clark respects that and wants to be bros with Tess. Clark decides to final...

IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON FROM THE PAST. Smallville 's 200th episode, a high school reunion, "A Clark-mas Carol", and a barn dance scene. What more could you want? Lois wants to cheer up Clark by bringing him back to high school so she can feel popular. Brainiac comes back from the 31st Century to teach Clark a few lessons while being sexier than ever. Oliver compares himself to J.F.K...

The Return of Kara Zor-El and BDSM Darkness has now invaded Metropolis, with hero-bashing radio host Gordon Godfrey being its first [perverted] victim. Kara makes a very public and over-the-top return as a new superhero, and tells Clark he's a terrible son that's been disowned by Jor-El. Lois goes undercover to expose Godfrey's dark side (wink-wink). Oliver, still depressed over Chloe&...

YOUR DRAW. Since Lois chose Africa over love, Clark has to deal with his new partner at the Daily Planet: Cat Grant. Too bad they have to deal with a country-loving assassin. Carter Hall checks in on Lois as a favor to Clark, but makes a move?! Chloe is missing and it's driving Oliver CRAZY...horny. Tess is somehow better as Clark's sidekick than his villain. Keri Lynn Pratt ( Drive Me Cra...

NEW YEAR. NEW SEASON. SAME IDIOTS. Clark has a near-death experience after his fight with Zod, and guess what? Jor-El wishes he actually died. Lois is wondering if Clark is better than Africa. Tess gets the worst Two-Face origin story. Lex has a bunch of clones. Some random guy is torturing Oliver. Yo, wait, is that Jon Kent? Daddy? As always, enjoy the show and LEAVE THOSE FIVE STARS!