Shut up a Second

In which our heroes are made an offer they can’t refuse, get fitted for their concrete boots and end up sleeping with the fishes as they discuss Crime Part II: The Mafia. We wonder what the correct procedure is for waking up next to a horse’s head, ask if Danny Deckchair has any boob in it and recount the time one of us almost ended up working for the mafia. Tessa wants to know where she can sign...

In which our heroes slam a shot of tequila, baste a chicken and make a sour juice all while avoiding scurvy as we discuss lemons, and in turn, lemonade. We discuss terrifying hypotheticals involving replacing body parts with lemons, practice painting our backwards letters for a lemonade stand sign and end up comparing different types of fruits. Jackson stands his ground as a lemon and grapefruit j...

In which our heroes remove their skin, polish their bones, and make their best creaking sounds as we discuss skeletons. We discover the downsides of having no body or connective tissue, attempt to turn ribcages into musical instruments, and question the genuine spookiness of your garden variety skelly. Jackson confuses human anatomy with sport, Marley has the strongest legs of all time and Duscher...

In which our heroes go bananas, become the apple of everyone’s eye and get their melons out as we discuss fruit. We learn how strawberries are racist, that Donald Glover is the human embodiment of grapes, the true origin of the word orange and the curious relationship Romans had with tomatoes. Duscher finds a new, exciting use for baby corn, Tessa can’t choose which is the most superior of fruits...

In which our heroes slither along the ground on their bellies, get milked for anti-venom, swallow mice whole and digest them over the next few days as we discuss snakes. We ask who would win in a fight between a tiger snake, a tiger shark and a tiger tiger, the benefits of using vomit as a defence tactic, and how to screw over a government with snakes. Marley keeps up a healthy hatred of snakes, T...

In which our heroes put on their finest frocks, adjust their sparkly tiaras, wait to be rescued by a dashing prince and discuss the majestic world of princesses. We look at what it takes to be considered a true Disney princess, whether Belle has it better with Prince Adam in man or beast form, and what happens when a princess eventually becomes a queen. Jackson laments the fact that he will most l...

In which our heroes get slathered in chocolate, burn their mouths biting into a hot jam donut, and get a brain freeze from eating too much ice-cream as we discuss desserts. We take death by chocolate a little too literal, look into the history of Baby Cop’s Sugar Squad and try to figure out why anyone would build a house made out of gingerbread. Jackson wants to know what the worst dessert related...

In which our heroes imitate airborne cattle, consult their weather forecasts, run for cover and discuss the spinning menaces that are tornadoes. We discuss the utterly terrifying firenado, argue about the differences between hurricanes and cyclones, and contemplate the best place to hide when things get a little windy. Zammit wants to avoid danger at all costs, Zoe wants to experience a tornado fr...

In which our heroes don their armour, access the nuclear strike codes, smear black greasepaint all over their faces and prepare to go to war. We examine decapitations of enemies, the motivation to create insect and arachnid destroying shoe-guns and ponder the ideal soundtrack for killing folk. Tessa asks what everyone would declare war on, Marley finds an enemy in her co-host and Zammit just wants...

In which our heroes get rowdy, row a few longboats and then attempt to pillage every town in sight while we discuss vikings. We try to figure out the best way to raze a village, discuss the logistics of a suicide pact to sneak into Valhalla and then inevitably just go back to killing horses. Jackson attempts to cripple himself so he can enjoy non-stop feasts, Tessa re-discovers the long lost Vikin...

In which our heroes put batteries in their EVPs, holster their dowsing rods and become drenched in ectoplasm as they discuss ghosts. The team spook themselves as they share their own haunting tales of survival while items in the studio start flying around on their own accord. Joel firmly denies the existence of otherworldly presences, Jackson recounts his encounter with The Ninks Road Ghost Horse...

In which our heroes climb to the top of the wardrobe in search of Lincoln’s headwear of choice, and snap the brims of their baseball caps while we chat about hats. We examine the use of buckets as headgear when working outdoors, which animal would make the best multipurpose hat, and whether or not snapping turtles and cacti are the same thing. Jackson wants to know the real reasons hats were inven...

In which our heroes protect their soft shells, carefully scuttle barefoot across the sand, wave our pincers in the air like we just don’t care and discuss crabs. We look into job opportunities available outside of the ocean, the feasibility of crab-type Pokemon in reality and how a crab’s mouth may be a portal to Hell. Jackson imagines what a crab lifestyle would be like in terms of medical care u...

In which our heroes brace for impact, work on their catch phrases, fail to do cool-guy walks away from explosions and discuss cheesy action movies. We look at Whoopi Goldberg’s secret history with dinosaurs cops, the best 80s theme song and why anyone would use a hang-glider as a getaway vehicle. Jackson wants to know why bus drivers in real life never look like Sandra Bullock, Zoe ponders how eff...

In which our heroes put on their protective smocks, channel their inner Bob Ross, forget to rinse their paintbrushes after use and talk about all things art. We discuss the inevitable emo-art-teenage-journal phase, the harsh censorship that comes with self expression and make surprising references to Coldplay. Marley struggles to take the interview questions seriously, Zammit reminisces about the...

In which our heroes order a martini, take a sip, realise that maybe this spy gig really isn’t for them and wonders if anyone is interested in state secrets. We find the endless possibilities of bobby pins, the most unlikely (and unsuccessful) spies and finally acknowledge the superiority of Agent Cody Banks. Jackson admires the resilience of seagulls, Zoe is using tape worms to bring down villains...

In which our heroes travel the high seas, walk the plank and wear eye patches to discuss pirates. We embellish on the time honoured tradition of piracy by stealing witches, catapulting tigers, replacing peg legs with elephant feet, piercing ears for health benefits and stealing tea from the British. Zammit tries to work out if whales can be interchange for horses, Marley is getting passionate abou...

In which our heroes get let off the leash, run around the park some and get in trouble for rolling in something as they discuss dogs. We sigh in sadness as dogs break up the Beatles, cower in fear at a dog-run Russia, and ponder the effectiveness of corgis as weapons. Jackson has his taxes done by a rhinoceros, Tess owns the saddest penguin companions and Duscher just wishes his cheetah would stop...

In which our heroes revisit the wondrous world of the animal kingdom by playing god and creating their own dream creatures that seemingly sit on the fence between adorable and terrifying. We discover how close monkeys are to driving cars and buying snacks, uncover some of the secret skills of farm animal and find a foolproof of getting rid of foxes. EJ has an emotional connection to Finding Nemo,...

In which our heroes give up on finding Duscher a valentine, notice how long it's been since we recorded anything, and leap into the studio to bust out something before the big day. We discuss EJ's inability to refer to her own genitals, Saint Valentine healing a jailer’s daughter, and a pie company called dicks. EJ can't stand some of the Care Bears, Zoe intends to spend the day throwing things at...

In which our heroes are still taking a break from recording, still spending a small amount of time with our loved ones, so we’re re-releasing our 2014 Valentines Day Special. Duscher still hasn’t found himself a new lady and/or man for the big day and the clock is ticking! We discuss yeast infections, whether or not ties are dicks and what is the most ideal Valentine’s Day experience. Jackson just...

In which our heroes take a break from recording, spend a small amount of time with some loved ones and re-release our 2013 Valentines Day Special in an attempt to buy Duscher enough time to find himself a new lady and/or man for the big day. We discuss our worst valentines, make our opinion known on the issue of friendzoning, and decide the ideal amount of pubic hair. Jackson uses the phrase 'Kid...

In which our heroes find a zone of immunity where they can conspire to their hearts content, have our in-house lawyer Charles on speed dial as we plan all sorts of crime. From inconspicuously stealing a bridge to straight up murdering a guy, we expand our criminal MO by taking pointers from failed crimes and crimes most foul. Jackson decides that universal animal nap time could help him with his p...

In which our heroes honour our favourite 18th Century Earl by getting yelled at for constantly smearing greasy meat stains all over their clothes, playing-cards and other people and so come up with a genius idea; the humble sandwich. We explore the what exactly makes a sandwich a sandwich, play the Sandwich Name Game all the youths keep talking about and delve further into the Earl of Sandwich’s l...

In which our heroes are hoarded by dragons, pilfered by tomb raiders and plundered by pirates as they go looking for treasure. We discuss the reliabilities of old gypsies, our concerns with baboon wrestling, and the griffon epidemic of World War II. Jackson tries to explain the theft of Russia's Amber Room, Tessa dies far too easily in the jungle and Duscher just wants to forge some of Hitler's ar...