Schmear Campaign

The final episode of Schmear Campaign. And it's a wild ride to the past and the dark future. Our friend Peter rips a hole in spacetime to save the pod and the bagel boys put right what once went wrong. Special thank you to Peter, Jose, and Russell for being amazing guests over the last year. And thanks again to Jose for our incredible artwork. To all our listeners: WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH. Thank you f...

Jake and Sam do a final wrap up, go through all the stats, all the memories, all the hot takes. The best, the worst, the schmeariest, the sexiest. It's all here. IN. ONE. FINAL. EPISODE.

Fall back into an hour with your bagel boys on your favorite Austin bagel podcast. We talk Jake's cold showers. We talk urban planning. We ponder scooped or not scooped. Our backs hurt and we made it to 40 freakin bagel spots y'all.

A very spooky episode for your Halloween bagel hauntings. Sam complains about scary social interactions and has a shroom-fueled breakthrough. Jake talks horror films and things that go bump in the night. The horrific hot takes are endless in this slasher of an episode. Awooooooooooooooooooooo!

The guys venture into the warm damp hole of Cenote and dine on mediocre sandwiches. The world is ending. But the campaign must rage ever onward. Enjoy an hour of profanity and foolishness to help you get through your day. #standwithisrael 

For a spooky October episode, the guys confront a soulless place where time stands still. A liminal space where corporate ghosts and Republican secretaries go thump in the day. A place that shouldn't exist and yet, somehow does. A place with absolutely ghoulish bagels and a name that evokes bodily fluids. Call the exorcist. The bagel boys are sending you BACK TO HELL.

The bagel boys finally determine which bagel near the JCC is truly the best one for your pre fiddler-on-the-roof-matinee brunch. There can only be one. They also might talk some lulav / etrog life. Or was that last week? Whatever.

The guys have a lovely time in a little market. Sam has renewed hope for Austin and falls in love with a cashier. Fuck Foxtrot. What's in the disco ball cookie jar?

The guys gain some clout by selling out for free bagel sandwiches. Sam's got a brutal tongue. Jake brings back fresh or stale.

The guys find a glorious spot for dank breakfast sandos. The Smash Mouth guy was probably a Nazi. Sam says some more stuff he can't take back. It's a solid Sunday episode y'all.

The guys check out a cute place with a strange name. They discuss World War II, a new Putin conspiracy, and Jake's disdain for coffee urns. What is this show even about anymore? Have a good Sunday!

The bagel boys go to brunch with Jose and Terra to celebrate the plight of the worker. Jake loves bagels. What is that spectral ooze in their cream cheese? RIP Smashmouth. 

The guys go to a very unlikely spot for bagels. They discuss their bagels on the road. Jake gets a very disgusting combination and regrets it.

The guys endure shitty bagels to reveal the truth about this classic rivalry. Which terrible place for bagels has the best bagel? The answer probably won't surprise you, but it did surprise Sam. Plus bagel bites, scrotox, schmear campaign tattoos, and Jake hoping this pod will never take off.

The guys have a lovely Monday afternoon bagel at the classic Magnolia Cafe. Jake discusses his LA bagel quest. They talk about fart-fluencers. And Jake discusses the biggest benefit to being a remote worker.

Our good friend, and sourdough starter dominatrix, Russell bakes us some fresh sourdough bagels using his abused and neglected starter. He tries to convince us all bread is sourdough (it's not) and we unsuccessfully try to uncover his dark goyish upbringing.

Sam has a bad time at Foxtrot and leaves a 1 star review on Google. Is Austin dying? Rosen's wholesale bagels are still killing it somehow. If you make toasts in your restaurant, stop bogarting those toppings and let us put them on a bagel.

The guys get into a philosophical discussion about whether the new pretzel bagels at Easy Tiger are even bagels. Perhaps they're just round pretzels. Are they even good? Perhaps not. Why is it even called Easy Tiger? Don't tell us to take it easy you German shmucks.

Jake tells prime anecdotes about his past employment with Panera. Sam tries out Big Daddy Bagels in Colorado. The guys have a disturbing experience at the worst Panera in Austin.

The guys discuss the jizz biz. They have an authentic New York experience. Other shit happens. Have a good brunch y'all.

The guys should not have waited for this place. It was quite subpar. It seems like it will close soon. Oh did we mention Jake's new segment? Celebrity Bagel Orders. It's cool. Also rainbow bagels, are they cool? Jake says no.

A base episode for a base bagel. Not the best sandwich the guys have ever had, not the worst. They've eaten way too many bagels this weekend. Jake does a fuck ton of push-ups.

The guys try bagels and schmears from like 4 different supermarkets. They endure the burden of shitty bagels so you don't have to. The results are somewhat surprising.

The guys find THE BEST BAGEL IN AUSTIN. Shout out to Devin, the founder of David Doughie's for being the absolute bagel king of Texas. The Nervous Charlies hatred is reignited. The guys eat in the park with Russell and Jennifer. Some guy gets hella Tinder matches by being a literal bagel. Sam wants to put everything bagel spice in forbidden places.

Stop abducting kids so Sam can get his fucking beauty sleep. The guys have a terrible bagel sandwich. Sam gets bialy roofied. Someone saves a homeless person with a bagel. Does Nutella belong on a bagel?