Sam Was Here: Losing My Son to Addiction

This past week was a tough one for me.   Mother's Day, Sam's 26th birthday, and the 2 1/2 year anniversary of his death.    Unfortunately, we can't reset the clock when we lose a son or daughter.   We can't change the dates or the circumstances, and we can't avoid dealing with difficult reminders such as birthdays, the date of their death, and other celebrations such as Mother's and Father's day. ...

Losing a child not only destroys our own world but it's very upsetting to those who love and care about us as well.   They often try to say and do things to help us out of our blinding pain.  To this day, I have so much appreciation for everyone who showed up for me and my family when Sam died.   I also understand that as humans, we show up for the people we love in the best way we know how.  Unfo...

I feel better than I have in nearly 2 1/2 years.   It's almost difficult to admit because I know I could easily step into another grief crevasse when I least expect it.    However,  it's very clear to me, at this point, that I will be okay.  In spite of the agony I feel on a daily basis, I am also aware how far I have come.  In today's episode, I discuss 6 ways that I have seen my grief evolve and...

One of my biggest struggles in grief is my intrusive thinking.   I have largely been unable to untangle my grief over losing Sam and my own thoughts of self-blame.    The problem with this mindset is that it is unreasonable and it also challenges our healing. Today's episode is about my experience with intrusive thinking, 3 reasons I believe it is destructive and unproductive,  and how I have rece...

We cannot tolerate our city officials simply giving up a certain demographic of it's population.   Mayor Perris of Lancaster, CA,  stated, in front of the city council, that perhaps the answer to the city's homeless crisis is to give them all fentanyl.    A big Purge.   He is talking about humans. Is an actual mayor of a city suggesting that people like my son don't deserve to live?    We cannot t...

When Sam died, I felt no hope and no joy.  I felt like my life was largely over because I couldn't see past my pain.    Hope is a complex topic when talking about losing a child.   Just What exactly are we hoping for?    How can hope make this better?   For a long time, I couldn't see it or imagine it but now,  I am finding it again.  Today, I feel more hope and joy than I have since I lost my boy...

One of the biggest burdens I was left with when Sam died is guilt.  When we hold onto guilt for a situation we can not/could not solve, it's unreasonable and can also harm our healing. In this Episode, I discuss why we need to challenge our guilt and rumination with reason and logic by talking about 4 ways/reasons that guilt can harm our healing and why it doesn't make sense to accept it.   I also...

When I lost Sam, I was determined to live through my grief the way I needed to and also that I would never go back and judge myself for it.   I stand by that today.   Recently, however, I was asked what advice I would give myself if I could talk to the back then.    In today's episode, I share 6 pieces of advice I would lovingly pass back to myself and anyone else who asked.   

I watched a special on the Vietnam War recently and I was struck by the similarities between those parents, the ones whose kids were sent to fight the war, and us, whose kids fought the war here at home.   (The war on drugs.)   This episode is about those similarities.    Time doesn't heal all wounds, it doesn't even come close.   What time does is dull the intensity for those further removed whil...

In today's episode,  I am discussing losing my dog Luna and why I think my experience was different because of Sam.    Sam's death was so painful and unbearable that I was convinced I would never feel grief again like I had in the past.   I believed that my son's death would put everything else into perspective and nothing else would matter, baring the worst, and I could not have been more wrong. ...

Nearly 2 1/2 years after losing Sam, my life got completely out of balance and my grief took a huge hit.    In today's episode, I talk about my grief spiral, what caused it, and what I have re-discovered about the importance of keeping balance in my life.     I share what balance looks like in my own life and encourage you to create and commit to your own idea of balance.    I also discuss how I h...

Moving forward after losing Sam feels impossible at times but it's the choice I remain committed to, even on my darkest days.   There is no easy choice or path after losing a son or daughter but at some point, and the timeline will vary widely between us, we each have a choice to move forward towards healing or stay stuck in our grief.     In this episode, I bring in a concept I heard on another p...

This year, for the first time in my life, I have made the decision not to spend any money for Christmas.  In today's episode, I talk about how grief has changed my willingness to participate in a tradition that typically has me spending more money than I should. Losing a child is a stark reminder of what money can and cannot do for us.  I know for sure that we can't buy our way into happiness or o...

Thanksgiving is a difficult time for grieving parents and families and in today's episode, I discuss how gratitude has helped me through my grief.  It sounds insane to search for gratitude after losing a son but I have found it to be a grounding source in my life.     Feeling gratitude doesn't have to mean that we accept what has happened, it means that in spite of what happened, we are making the...

Anniversaries bring big feelings and now,  two years since Sam's death, I have found myself falling back into old patterns of avoidance.    This time, however, I am finding my stress and anxiety lie more in my avoidance tactics and how they are impacting my life than in facing and dealing with the same pain I have lived with for two years now.   In this episode, I discuss two of my biggest negativ...

In today's episode, I discuss how grief makes me feel disconnected in my own life and why podcasting has been a natural and helpful fit for me in moving forward. I love to talk about the importance of moving forward with our healing but often, I don't feel nearly as inspired as I sound.    It doesn't feel natural to try to heal from losing a child and at times I feel like an imposture with a micro...

The last weekend I spent with Sam was two years ago, just two weeks before his body was discovered in a field.  I keep thinking about how I should have been able to use that weekend to make a difference in his life.   In this episode, I discuss how the memories of our last time together cause me to ruminate on unhelpful thoughts and why I believe that the anniversary of last communications with a...

We don't often talk about how scary the idea of healing from the loss of a child can feel.   It feels wrong to accept the impossible and like a betrayal towards our son or daughter if we even conceive of a life after them.   One of the hardest task a bereaved parent will ever be tasked with is the decision to keep living.   In this episode, I discuss my own difficult feelings towards healing after...

After losing Sam, I often struggle with apathy in daily life.    The question is, how can I wake up each day excited and motivated to get the most out of life?    How can I use this motivation to jump out of bed and start my day? The answer is, I can't.   My brain doesn't work that way.    What does register and send a chill down my spine, however,  is the idea of getting to the end of my life wit...

One of the hardest parts about losing a son or daughter is that we also lose parts of ourselves.   I thought that the mountains would help heal me when Sam died and instead, I only occasionally have had the energy to drive up there and step on a trail.  Hiking and running went from something I craved to something I didn't have to energy to even think about.    I began to feel like I would never en...

Sam died 18 months ago and there is a lot of information that I don't have regarding his death.   Most of it I haven't even tried to find out.     I still haven't even visited the place he died.    I feel guilty that I don't know everything but it feels like the information might be too painful to accept.   And, nothing will change the fact that Sam is gone.  Losing a son or daughter to addiction...

In today's episode,  we discuss the science of how our brain operates when we lose someone we are very close to, based on the book "The Grieving Brain" (The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss), by Mary-Frances O'Connor, PhD.  https://maryfrancesoconnor.org/book We tend to believe that grief rests in our feelings and emotions but the truth is, our brain has a lot to do with our a...

I have never been a perfect mom but the guilt I have felt over Sam's death has been relentless and I know that I am not alone.    Parents like me are left with endless tragic questions that will never be answered.   Most importantly, what decisions could I have made differently? In today's episode, I discuss how losing a son or daughter to addiction isn't a reflection of bad parenting but often a...

Every parent who loses a son or daughter to addiction is left with many more questions than answers.   For me, different questions haunt me at different stages.   Today, I talk about 4 that are heavy on my heart right now and why. Also, I discuss why I believe that it is important to experience grief at it's fullest in a systematic way.    The temptation to avoid the hardest thoughts and discussio...

In today's episode, I discuss how I discovered that even the positive transitions we make during our healing journeys can trigger us, cause us extra stress, and even carry the great potential to set us back.      I will also talk about the importance of maintaining the routines that we have found benefit us at this time and why I believe that staying consistent with this podcast is one of the ways...