The Irish Times

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Comedy EN ↓ 596 episodes

The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Author

The Irish Times

Episodes

‘Ross,’ he goes, ‘you marbles-in-your-mouth, soft-as-shite, South Dublin mammy’s boy’ 28.07.2017 6:09

Oisinn goes, “Yeah, you’ve been sitting there all night with a face on you like the Long Mile Road. Why did you even come out? You should have stayed home and watched Love Island.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘The doctor says it’s an old rugby injury – I can’t tell you how proud that makes me’ 21.07.2017 5:44

Ross finds the past, and tackles by Jerry Flannery, catching up with him Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘Is Honor double-bluffing me? Or is she double-double bluffing me?’ 14.07.2017 5:47

Sorcha has gone away for the weekend to a Himalayan Spa Retreat in a hotel on the R280 just as you’re coming into Drumshanbo. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

"We need a name that says it’s for welfare cheats” 07.07.2017 6:12

I’ve hordly ever seen the old man this excited about something non-rugby related. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘I hear someone blubbing and I suddenly realise it’s me’ 30.06.2017 6:02

He asked me for 20 snots. And as I peeled two Brodie Jenners off the wad, I could seem him silently kicking himself that he didn’t ask me for 50. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

'He dresses like shop security from the 1980s' 23.06.2017 5:44

Ross is forced to engage his brain, with surprisingly good results. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘We’re southsiders,’ I tell her. ‘We don’t really do feuds’ 16.06.2017 6:01

"I'm Ross O'Carroll Kelly. What's *your* superpower?" Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘We’re about to have our first openly second-tier-private-school-educated taoiseach’ 09.06.2017 5:42

“Well, I’ve never heard of him. What school did he go to?”“King’s Hospital, Ross!”“Jesus. No wonder he says it doesn’t matter where you come from.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘Look me in the eye, Rosser. Did you hab sex with my wife that neet?’ 02.06.2017 5:54

We keep driving. He doesn’t say anything for a minute or two. Then he goes, “You know, I shouldn’t eeben be in the cunter doddy.”I’m like, “In the what?”“The cunter doddy. This cunter doddy. Arelint.”“Oh, Ireland – right.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘We all make mistakes, Ro. . . Just try not to sleep with the wives of any other gangland killers’ 26.05.2017 5:38

Sometimes the best advice we can give our children is the most obvious. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘Look, the recession was a fluke. No one knows why it happened, just that it did’ 19.05.2017 5:49

Why am I getting grief for giving Ross jnr a wad of cash? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

"It’s like if Tarantino directed Wind in the Willows" 12.05.2017 6:06

Can Ross save Ro from Grievous Bodily Harm? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘I stop seeing them as criminals, and more as a normal family, like the Kordashians’ 05.05.2017 6:11

In which Ross and Ronan encounter celebrity gangster Grievous Bodily Horm. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘All estate agents know how to make bread. It’s one of the first things they teach you' 28.04.2017 6:17

Ross rediscovers the simple pleasure of selling property to desperate house-hunters in an overheating morket. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

'Your daughter is malevolent, belligerent and discourteous' 21.04.2017 6:20

Honor outwits Ross after a focking disastrous parent-teacher meeting. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

"Ronan, I'm terrified of you being sucked into the world of guns, drugs and non-rugby nicknames" 14.04.2017 5:43

"Ronan, I'm terrified of you being sucked into the world of guns, drugs and non-rugby nicknames" by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘I push the stick towards him with what resembles a dead rat on the end of it’ 07.04.2017 6:16

It’s, like, so random seeing my old man without hair... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I am so excited thinking about all of the people’s lives we can change with this money! 02.04.2017 6:11

I am so excited thinking about all of the people’s lives we can change with this money! by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ross will pay it, Shadden. As a matter of fact, Ross will pay for absolutely everything 23.03.2017 5:56

Ross will pay it, Shadden. As a matter of fact, Ross will pay for absolutely everything by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I genuinely feel like grabbing that wig right now and focking it in the Liffey 16.03.2017 6:53

I genuinely feel like grabbing that wig right now and focking it in the Liffey by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: “I’m here to watch Denis O’Brien wipe the floor with you.” 10.03.2017 6:31

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: “I’m here to watch Denis O’Brien wipe the floor with you.” by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘It’s the Celtic Phoenix, Sorcha. People are thankfully being stupid again’ 03.03.2017 6:14

‘It’s the Celtic Phoenix, Sorcha. People are thankfully being stupid again’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

"The Dublin accent was invented to allow criminals to talk to each other" 24.02.2017 6:12

"The Dublin accent was invented to allow criminals to talk to each other" by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘If you showed Dermot Bannon around the inside of my head, he’d say the design was minimalist’ 17.02.2017 5:52

‘If you showed Dermot Bannon around the inside of my head, he’d say the design was minimalist’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

They’ll have to rename it ‘Don’t Tell the Bride I Did the Dirt on Her Again’ 10.02.2017 5:32

They’ll have to rename it ‘Don’t Tell the Bride I Did the Dirt on Her Again’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.