Roman Emperors: Totalus Rankium

Phocas takes the city, and therefore the Empire. Admittedly, he has a scar down his face, and a pointy beard... but we should not judge people on their looks, this does not mean he is a bad man. The burning of people in the market-place however, that could indicate that he is a less than pleasant person... oh dear. 

Maurice a une bataille haut de colline à grimper. Il doitcombattre les Perses, les Avars, slaves, et il doit le faire avecseulement une poignée de vieux éléphants dirigées par Jeff etla souris du Conseil du Trésor. A partir de cette terriblesituation, comment vont il sortir du bourbier ? Google translation: Mauritius has a high battle of hill climbing. He must fight the Persians, Avars, Slavs, and...

So the empire is at war once again with Persia, Italy is being settle y Lombards and the Avars are causing trouble. Oh, and the empror's as mad as box of frogs. But wait! who is this dazzling young man? look at that chin! those eyes! phwooor, I bet he knows how to emperor...

Justin II has a lot to follow. But he has a clear plan. No more pandering to those horrible barbarians. It is time the Romans take back control! It is time to... to... what was that? was that a Bogle!? Aaarrghhh! hide! Moo! CAW CAW CAW! bibble bibble. Quick someone bar the windows! The emperor has escaped again! 

And so we arrive at Justinian - by far the most famous emperor of the East bar perhaps Constantine the Great. But is that fame justified? Strap yourself in for this extra long episode including battles, Vandals, Goths, Persians, the plague, riots, mega churches, massacres, law codes and a bullied Pope!

Justin is often overlooked by his more flashy nephew, but when you actually look into it, you will - oh look! Justinian is coming!

A boy was born with two different coloured eyes so everyone called him a rude name. Then some stuff happened and he became Emperor. There are the Isuarians, the Demes and the Orthodox church out for his blood, plus Bulgars and Persians. And he is getting on in years. How can Anastasius possibly succeed? Find out in this week's episode of Totalus Rankium!  Featuring Drunk Monks!

  It's not often a father succeeds his son - Zeno has the mighty job of ruling the East as the West crumbles and literally everyone he knows turns against him. It's not going too bad - he just needs to avoid those pesky men up their pillars. 

Surprise mini episode! Yes, we are going to a fortnightly release schedule. But Leo II is so pathetic he doesn't really count. Find out exactly why he was so useless in this episode that only exists because the intro clearly states 'Ranking ALL the emperors...'

We are back! Series 2 of Roman Emperors: Totalus Rankium begins with Leo the Butcher. We have already covered his reign in the last series, but now we get to see it from his perspective. and finally find out why he was called "The Butcher".   

This is where we ramble on for an hour and a half and answer some of your questions. 

Here we are at last!  Who has the most Je Na Caesar? Who, out of Augustus, Aurelian and Constantius II stands out? Who are you going to be shouting about as you grab that stranger on the street? Find out in the fianl of Season 1 of Roman Emperors: Totalus Rankium!

In the last of the Semi Finals we pitch the crazies (plus Trajan) against each other! Caligula, Constantius II, Trajan and Commodus! Who is crazy enough to survive this round and make their was into the final?

The second of the Semi Final episodes. This time it is Diocletian, Constantine, Aurelian and Theodosius. Four of the highest scorers in one round, but who will come out on top?  

  The first of the Semi Final episodes. Caracalla, Valentinian, Augustus and Constantius III face off but only one can go through... Featuring three new rounds! Infamous Natorius, Mortis Mamorea and Historia Ridiculi - What impact did they have? How good was their death? How would they cope in other situations?

  The final round of the quarter finals and it's the round of death. Who will go through out of these massive names? Our top scorer? Or the first bearded emperor? Or the highest scorer from the highest scoring dynasty? Or the man with a club? Also: we look at the total scores from the series. 

Round V: it's a tough one this week: who to choose from Constantine, Trajan, Vespasian and Gallienus? there is not a bad one in the bunch, but we have to choose. Find out who we went for! Also: a very brief look at the Tempo Completo round. Wo lasted the longest? who was out the door before anyone had unpacked the chisel for the official bust? 

Round IV: Who will go through? The mighty Diocletian, the horrible Galerius, the amazing Constantius II or the good-looking Majorian? Also: we look at the best looking busts and coins of the empire. 

The third of the 6 knockout rounds, this week we see the mighty Augustus go up against the stoic Marcus and fascinating Constantius II. Oh, and Constnatius I also. Also: see who the most and least successful emperors were! 

Second of the knockout round. This week, Valentian and his bears v Otho and his toupee v Caligula and his crazy v Julianus and his fear. Also: we look at Opprobrium Crazium: who were the sanest and the craziest emperors? 

The first of the knockout rounds is here! Who will go through to the semi finals? Theodosius, Valerian, Thrax or Caracalla?   Also: Who were the bottom three in Fightius Maximus? And who were the top 5?  

This is the end - my only friend - the end. Orestes has a plan to start a new golden age. It involves his son being the emperor, plus about a thousand problems magically going away. Spoiler warning: he fails. But find out how! Also: We figure out when the West was doomed to fail, plus whose fault it was! Also: find out who would the public vote for the spare Je Na Caesar place. And finally: we dra...

  Ok, seriously, someone needs to step up. Who can sort this mess out? What about the son of Majorians general, the nephew of one of the best generals of the age, the nephew of Leo, supported by Zeno and the east, a man with links to Syagrius and the Friendly Franks, a man who has been running Dalmatia very well for the last couple of years. He sounds good!  Time for him to stand in the surf and d...

Ricimer is dead, the man behind the throne for the last two decades. Rome needs someone to fill his shoes, someone as cunning, as ruthless, as capable. Instead it was stuck with Glycerius. Oh well... 

Ok, the empire is falling, it is over run, there is no hope. But then up steps this man! Sure, he is a handy puppet caught in a vast game of politics between Ricimer and Leo, but that does not mean he can't make his mark on history! Sorry? Oh, it does mean that? oh. That's a shame.