Roast Mortem Cast

Basically the Joe Exotic of Martial Arts, this Irish-American, faux Italian-named Spanish Count mastered the Japanese art of Karate. He claimed to have perfected the ancient, lost technique of Dim-Mak, or The Touch of Death, all while running a chain of bizarre Dojos, Playboy Bunny Hair Salon and hairy muff porn shops in the Chicago area.

The life of this extraordinary trumpet player takes us through the evolution of Jazz itself. From razor wielding prostitutes, to Chi-town mafioso, the cultural explosion of the Harlem Renaissance and abroad; Louis lived a fast life! But his bowels were even faster.

Scottish born Alexander Graham Bell was a mad genius in the science of sound, improving the telegraph, inventing the telephone (Maybe?) and by proxy the Dick Pic... But fuck did he hate those deaf people with their flailing sign language!

Victor Lustig could talk his way out of a fleshy hairy bag. This infamous cat burglar con many a man out of their fortunes including syphilitic sausage mobster Al Capone. This man was such a smooth talker he even 'sold' France's most iconic landmark, The Eiffel Tower, for scrap to some greasy baguette slurpin' mook.

Everything you know about the American Revolution is a LIE! This deadbeat revolutionary carefully crafted the mob violence that fueled the colonies fire for independence. The Sons of Liberty burned, looted, tortured, boycotted the city of Boston into a starvation.

Dave from Not For Human Consumption joins us as we roast Romanian pokey boy, Vlad the Impaler. While he may have not sucked blood, nor could he turn into a bat, this torture mirco-manager sure knew how to throw a BBQ

Capitalism gone WILD!!! Andrew Carnegie was not afraid to break up unions, scam his competition and make his workers' lives a living hell, but when it came to the ladies, he needed to check with his momma.

The Armenian heir to a rancid Meat Packing Company, yuppied his flaccid penis around LA's hottest nightclubs with his pal OJ Simpson. Everything changed when he met the teenager of his dreams and professional gold digger & cum dumpster Kris. And with that one of the largest cases of cultural brain drain had been unleashed on the world. The age of Kardashian had begun.

If there was one thing John Rom was good at, it was slicing open a man's nut sack and chucking in some XL goat nads to give him that sexual prowess he always deserved. Doesn't that sound hot?! Well it was all the craze during early 20th Century! This could be the strangest 'doctor' we've taken a look at on RMC!

Gandhi is credited as history's greatest peaceful pacifists, but historians are quick to dismiss his incredibly racist rhetoric. From a child with a sadistic hobby of twisting dog ears, to supporting apartheid, the holocaust, and Nazis Gandhi was a pretty sick dude. Later in life, he'd offer free enemas to his female followers and bragged about sleeping naked with his grand niece without giving in...

The Queen of Bratty child stars, Elizabeth Taylor 'developed' into a sex icon that went through husbands like her back hair razors. Liz lead a life dogged by paparazzi, prescription addictions and a unrelenting urge to suck the fattest diamond necklace out of the the most well-endowed dude, regardless of their sexual preference.

The Doors' front man Jim Morrison was a sloppy, sloppy boy that loved to force his way into any anus that crossed his path, sometimes at knife point! This 27 club manchild claimed to be the Lizard King, thought the soul of native american the police were shoveling off the road after a car wreck inhabited his body and his alleged death may have been all a cover up!

William Jackson Freeman II came from a long line of brain surgeons. To live up to his lineage he 'perfected' the art of the Lobotomy. He got so good at it he was offering $25 lobotomies out of the back of a van in the 1960's. Ever wonder who scrambled the brain of that Kennedy girl... It was good ol' Walt!

Arguably one of the most notable archaeologist in the field, Heinrich made history when he unearthed the lost city of Troy. Using his vast wealth, he then went about rewriting his own history and buying out anyone that questioned his sketch methods of excavation.

Uganda had it bad when big fat dumb dumb Idi Amin took over the government by force. This disillusion dictator massacred his people, destroyed Uganda's economy and claimed the title of 'Lord of all Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in general and Uganda in particular'.

Four times as the President of the United States been assassinated. But only once was it by a serial masturbator that was so strange he was kicked out of a religious, silverware-making sex cult.

Yoshie Shiratori is the ultimate escape artist, busting out of any jail that the japanese authorities threw him in. The problem was once he was on the outside, he couldn't seem to not keep his mouth shut about his prison breaks, most of which involved spitting soup, chilling with bears and dislocating his own arms.

Joanna Southcott was more than just your average crazy woman screaming about Revelations. She was the pregnant mother of the second coming of Christ at the ripe old age of 64. This religious freak show drove England and the World into complete madness.

In a land before time, when the WWF wasn't about saving animals, but about sweaty men grappling in the ultimate area, there was a legendary wrestler that could fly higher, was more illiterate and probably murdered his wife... That wrestler is none other than Jimmy Superfly Snuka. Justin Waaland of Heavy Hole joins us to discuss this large stupid man, his drug abuse and his probable homicide.

Historians, scientist and philosophers have all credited Leonardo da Vinci as one of the greatest minds the world has ever seen. What was this master genius thinking about? DICKS! Leo loved to draw, talk and lick penis. His obsession with ween and various scientific hobbies distracted him so much that many of his commissioned masterpieces went unfinished. He'd just up and leave his patrons high an...

Author Jesse Pollack & Dan Jones of Podcast 1289 join us for a roast of H.P. Lovecraft, Cthulhu & Tentacle porn. This weirdo horror writer may have mastered cosmic psychological madness, but when it came bumping uglies, Lovecraft plead insanity. Oh and all of those stories of elder gods breeding with fisherman's wives... yeah that was just an allegory to his deep seeded racist fear of inte...

Listen up Instagram Influencers! We are roasting spoiled, talentless rich kid Beau Brummell. He changed the world of fashion by 'creating' the modern men's suit. After racking up his debts and ratcheting up his penis with syphilis in the early 19th Century London nightlife, his fame slowly declined into syphilitic madness.

Tonight we are talkin' SHRIMP! Well, actually Artemia salina... which aren't shrimp. Sea Monkeys!!! These harmless little creatures from another planet were the brainchild of a terrible little man, Harold Von Braunhut. This toy-maker, turned weapons manufacturer, turned Jewish donor to the Aryan Brotherhood is a real POS!

Burroughs leaves the wake of destruction and murder that was his 30s and starts anew as a writer. All this means is that he does more drugs, bangs more boys and dives deeper into the new age, occult mumbo gumbo. In between deep throating, human pucked turkey, Alan Ginsberg, his heroin usages skyrockets as does his literary notoriety.

The next entry into our 'Goof Troupe' Beat Poet series and this time we are taking on it's King, William S. Burroughs. This entitled gun-toting homosexual, loafed his way through life guzzling booze, shooting up heroin and mooching off his parents. He unabashedly went on a world tour of pedophilia amassing a his crew of other deadbeats sickos, like Ginsberg and Kerouac and inadvertently became the...