Retrograde Amnesia: Comprehensive JRPG Retrospective

The world's over, man. While continuing to neglect our witch girlfriend, we're throwing rocks in a lake, humming to summon a shadow, receiving awful clues, stealing a crop circle, getting Piet fired, scouring the world for unique NPC dialogue, exposing the public to Ultimecia, gathering materials for supreme violence, cutting Rinoa out of magic pipes, conceding Squall to Rinoa again, yearning to b...

We understand each other's thoughts and hearts. While ignoring Rinoa's imminent peril, we're wasting a day with Triple Triad, failing to move the Queen of Cards, sailing past 100 hours, playing Red Light Green Light, picking the hidden option, spelling blow wrong, brimming with passion, beating up the boiler room, battling Ultima Weapon, indulging in the ultimate GF, finishing Laguna's statue, die...

I'm not your mom. In truth, I'm denying romantic impulses, killing and re-killing aliens, scanning my girlfriend, using a radio for the first time, resisting any attempt at creating intimacy, accepting a sorceress' fate, descending from Hyne, revealing the sorceress inside me, not doing shit about anything, repeatedly dying inside, flying with exuberance, and adding a mascot and sentient haunted t...

Nobody ordered me to escape. Through the wineglass, we're using our girlfriend as our therapist, cashing out our cards, receiving a ghost punch, breeding monsters on the moon, crying those monsters onto the planet, putting on a space suit, meeting a panicky space gentleman, opening a space tomb, shoving a cowboy into a sunroof, finding out what happened at the end of disc two, riding a handlebar e...

This place sure is weird. Inside this swirling pastel Oz, we're smiling through the pain, performing unpaid labor, ensuring a moomba develops CTE, taking a gun to work, picking the weirdest guy as the leader of the #resistance, misunderstanding the meaning of "special lady," rescuing Ellone, relishing the presence of an adult, leaving Rinoa up for human experimentation to the guy we rescued Ellone...

It's like a swear jar, for meat. Inside the jar, we're waking up in the infirmary again, asking mom where the rest of her kids are, lying about why we want Ellone, listening to the legend of Hyne, denying responsibility of Rinoa, trading pornography for playing cards, stealing my girlfriend, talking to myself on the railroad tracks, loving only what I can't have, confessing to a body, adding mom t...

Surrender soul, lose brain. After that, we're wondering if it's over, staring at an unconscious person, falling into a cold coma, closing out the SeeD candidates, cleaning up after NORG, refusing to remove my sorceress clothes, hearing the ultimate goals of Ultimecia, punching a wall, zoning out during a work meeting, believing Ellone is on the White SeeD Ship, passing out near a bed, debasing our...

FATIGUED. We're excessively caffeinated and we're rubbing Gardens, doing sick poses in unison, looking for Mark, improvising a fighting game, observing the Braveheart Effect, giving our special boy ring a name, combing through dorms, killing hockey monsters, meeting a Cerberus, confronting Seifer, missing gunblade pulls, rising like a broken puppet, drawing Alexander, and closing out disc two with...

Yes, we will kill mom. In this uniquely arranged hell we're acquiring more depression in Trabia, betting on the MogMogMoogle Team, building a god-blessed glove, preparing a cursed motivational speech, cruising past a deer, taking our buddy's ring, fighting to prove we belong, launching motorbikes, holding onto a cliffside for two hours, ignoring the previous problem, manipulating the boy of destin...

A ball rolls onto the court. Today, on the baller's field, we're determining why the sorceress is the sorceress, enshrining Selphie in the party, questioning the use of violence, showing growth through command, shooting a free throw, gaslighting the whole party, becoming children, camping at the beach, hogging sis, misdirecting affection, forcing love, losing memories, forgetting pain, reframing t...

I don't think I have time for this. For this reverse paradox we're identifying sucking pouch technology, wearing SeeD clothes, learning arcane animal capture rules from Chocoboy, blowing a ChocoWhis, scattering chicobos, losing cards, defining the concept of Home, meeting Selphie's Friend, developing whatever, reading about Ehrgeiz, drawing zombie from a graveyard, fixing a computer terminal, inst...

You were just as attractive when you used to beat me up. On this instant anti-classic we're witnessing a cow abduction, mistaking chicabos for ghosts, speaking with a cat, locating table flowers, getting trucked by a chocobo, judging drop-outs, repairing dangerous roads, exchanging a vase for a rock, re-losing Georgie, saving a child from a train, lying to gain entry, manipulating dialogue boxes,...

Specialist is surprised they let you in. Tonight we're going to an isolationist village, paying five G's for Ultima, going 323 meters underground just for fun, listening to diegetic Julia, reading at a bad time, finding a god damn Laguna statue, falling off another cliff, becoming what's in our hearts, working to earn anything, showing off my big open hand, punching an ass, and convincing Shumis t...

Let's play for fun, from now on. This time we're becoming Commander, taking down Card Club cardsters, meeting the true CC King, piloting army school across the world map, surviving twenty minutes, observing an octahedral frame, appreciating lost art, drawing pain, placing eyes in concrete, putting numbers in magic fire, challenging a norse god, and slaughtering slow knife boys in order to summon t...

We must heal the trauma of war with music. On this one fourth of one hundred episode we're planning a show, arranging a score, selecting instruments, becoming the cowboy, watching Squall sleep, wearing our Sunday best, trapping our dick, absolutely fucking up the composition, sitting near porn, taking a swing at a date, saying anything to leave, confessing insecurities, crying in the rain, losing...

If you can drink every day, you must be in good health. This time we're visiting a sullen expatriate, apologizing to a pissy mayor, accepting we're beacons of violence, deducing cigarette etymology, watching diplomacy fail, calling for the Iron Clad, reuniting with our friends, feeling a feeling, stating the need for battles, resorting to both sides-ism, learning from a hologram, stopping Grease M...

Hi, I'm done crying. Today we're learning about a sea monster, listening to Selphie's thoughts, hearing the reality of Garden's origin, exploring the paradox of Edea's SeeDs, using Ellone to bridge time, toiling in bed, ramming our military academy into a hippie commune, meeting a master fisherman, lying to tourists, playing Triple Triad for keeps, driving an old man crazy with our fishing skills,...

I sent my students to kill my wife. And yet, we're eliminating symbiotic organisms, transforming our school into our car, admiring the balcony vista, setting out to open sea, thinking too much, half-assing a tour of our school, experiencing retrograde amnesia, making a boyfriend promise, losing our temper, delivering our report to NORG, revealing a surprise marital connection, and murdering a capi...

What's on your mind, old man? Maybe it's loafing amid a crisis, fighting faculty members, doubting the dawn of time, refusing to swear an allegiance, having a meltdown, suffering hot dog denial, falling for a hologram, taking a knee, arguing missile survival tactics, exploring a dank oil stratum, refusing to trust friends with basic tasks, and beating up Oilboyles. This was just dad's basement wor...

I don't want to die, there's so much in life I want to enjoy. On this episode we're ramming a car into a mountain, leisurely ignoring imminent missile attacks, shaking down Caraway, bullshitting our way into a base, tricking idiot soldiers, killing those same soldiers off screen, mashing buttons to push things, hacking a computer, setting a self destruct timer, referencing the Hi Ho Tank, blowing...

It's time to play the action movie.  This time we're following monsters to find Squall, fighting other monsters in jail, suffering exploration monotony, beating a man for his Battle Meter upgrade, improving Squall's humanity, concocting a ridiculous escape plan, heroically saving Zell, falling down stairs, splitting up to escape, realizing we're in a desert prison, not falling to our death, and sp...

The dream is dead. On this episode we're waking up in jail, suffering from dipshit separation syndrome, remaining oblivious to Ward warping, moving cells, kicking Zell, surrendering to a Mean Cop, meeting small monsters, stating an obvious definition, receiving electrocution, using magic in jail, readying missiles for launch, submitting to globalist SeeD paranoia, tricking prison guards, growing t...

Squall is dead. So we're Laguna. Today we're talking disc swap technology, taking refuge in a cozy cabin, lying to Ellone about mortal danger, finding solace as a Weird Uncle, boggling the brains of Kiros and Raine, learning Julia's fate, identifying faeries, showing Kiros around town, finding a curious map, watching life pass by, and finding family in a small town. They hate me, but I still have...

Now that we're through Disc One and Squall is dead, we're going to try a little something different by bringing on some persons of lordly caliber to do some high-level recapping and high level bullshitting: Curtis and Karl from the Every F'n FF podcast, purveyors of everything Final Fantasy and staunch defenders of Final Fantasy VIII. Discussed: the Final Fantasy with Blackwater; Squall is an assh...