Remote Station Seven

All variety shows are cancelled until further notice in favor of a slate of single purpose shows instead.

Never fear. If life is not all you expected, let the appropriate authorities know, and they will provide you with the required paperwork to make the necessary changes.

Like a good party? Have you ever considered The Official Party? You’re already a member, as are all citizens at birth, so you might as well enjoy it.

The opinions expressed on this transmission are entirely in your own imagination. Please be advised that both opinions and imagination are prohibited, and repeated use of either require self surrender to the appropriate authorities.

Have you been listening to Remote Station Seven transmissions in an attempt to uncover hidden messages? Keep trying! They’ve got to be in there somewhere.

Like television? Sadly, television no longer exists, but if you imagine pictures in your head while listening to Remote Station Seven broadcasts, it is exactly like watching television.

Remote Station Seven is dedicated to helping its listeners achieve the best them possible. Tune into Remote Station Seven’s self-actualization transmissions and link up your personal authenticity with that of the appropriate authorities! The State will officially decree that you are blessed!

Have individuals claiming to be secret police showed up at your home and confiscated your radio? Have no worries! This is just an effort by the appropriate authorities to ensure that your equipment is updated. Be patient!

If you find that transmissions from Remote Station Seven have caused sensations of nausea, you are advised to remember that Remote Station Seven does not officially exist and therefore you never heard such transmissions.

Please be alerted that the following program contains oscillatory patterning that can cause hallucinations and affect certain aural processing functions, in addition to your ability to demonstrate free will. Remote Station Seven takes no responsibility for your personal outcomes but urges you to report to the nearest designated facility.

If Remote Station Seven existed in fact and was not just the figment of a concerted disinformation program from beyond the official borders, what would you consider its most uplifting program?

Do you lie awake at night worrying about a world that seems beyond your control? By tuning into our programming the listener agrees to release Remote Station Seven from any responsibility for their existential angst.

Would you like a Remote Station Seven t-shirt? Remember, t-shirts are forbidden in the new state-mandated citizen codes and being caught wearing one on your person will result in your being appropriated to an official readjustment camp.

The Remote Station Seven promotional van will be coming to your neighborhood! Take no notice. Behave as you normally would and if your normal behavior is one of official compliance, then you have nothing to worry about.

What’s your favorite song? Does it adhere to the state codes that have been enacted for your safety? Yes, it does? Then enjoy it again and again! No, it does not? Please stay where you are and the appropriate authorities will come to your assistance.

Please be advised that when we say “All rights reserved” we are referring to your rights. Just a friendly reminder!

Remember that any other news source broadcasting on the airwaves exists to spread false information and poison the blood of our society, regardless of how fun it might be to listen to.

Contrary to rumor our facilities have not been confiscated by the guerrilla groups in the west since the guerrilla groups in the west are just a fiction created by the guerrilla groups in the east in order to divert officials from the true source of danger. 

Enjoy our scheduling announcements? That’s not our intention.

It’s sad when propaganda becomes frowned upon as a useful informational format.

Have you remembered to tell a friend about our Remote Station Seven broadcasts? Be prepared for the authorities to knock on your door.

Now featuring a special horoscope edition of our spy numbers broadcasts.

Having difficulty tuning into Remote Station Seven broadcasts? That’s because Remote Station Seven does not exist. There has never been a Remote Station Seven nor are there any plans to create a Remote Station Seven. You have been listening to lies that originate from beyond our broadcast range, even though we have no broadcast range because we do not exist.

Have you noticed our exciting new megahertz? They're the best megahertz yet!

Send us a selfie of yourself listening to Remote Station Seven and we'll add your name to our drawing for a raid on your home, including an official search and seizure of certain items that will no doubt be found.