Redemptive Living Radio

In this week's episode we discuss Acting In which is also called Intimacy Aversion.  We also discuss Gaslighting, a close cousin to Acting In. Intimacy Aversion is keeping others at arms length in order to self-protect and self-preserve (in an unhealthy way).  While this is a part of the human condition, it's especially prevalent with men struggling with sexual integrity issues and it's incredibly...

In this episode, we talk about what to do if he is dragging his feet in recovery.  There are, in general, three archetypes on the spectrum of a man that is dragging his feet in recovery.  On one end is a man that is resistant, defensive and mean.  On the other end of the spectrum is a man that is trying but there is also a lot of stumbling and fumbling.  In the middle - would be the man that has d...

In this episode, we talk about getting out of the mindset that recovery is all about stopping a bad behavior.  If the goal is to never act out again and nothing more - men are selling themselves short. Heart and character change associated with the process of not acting out is what is most important. Ultimately, the process is about becoming who God is calling you to be as a man.   Talking about t...

Picking up where we left off in the last episode, we discuss what it looks like to really work at developing the "muscle" within all of us that alerts us to someone crossing into our hula hoops.  Practicing an awareness for when someone crosses those lines (aka limits, or our hula hoop) and what it feels like when that line is crossed is a great place to start. We also talk about naming what we ar...

Welcome to Season #3 of Redemptive Living Radio! We are looking forward to sharing more about recovery post-betrayal with you over the next 12 or so weeks! In this episode, we are continuing the conversation on boundaries.   To recap, in the last episode we talked about how the word "boundary" is used in two different ways.  First, it's how we define our "limits" in life. Recognizing when someone...

In recovery, we talk about boundaries in two different ways - first, it's how we define our "limits" in life. Sometimes people cross into our space and sometimes we cross into others' space. Recognizing when someone crosses that line (or limit) is important to be aware of. When you hear someone say - "he crossed a boundary with me", this is what they are referring to. The second way we conceptuali...

In this episode, we talk about the purpose of sexual abstinence or sexual fasting in the recovery process.  Yes, it is important for rewiring the brain (for him) but it's also important for learning authentic intimacy.  We unpack the concept (new to me!) that sexual intimacy is tangled up with all the other forms of intimacy which is part of the reason some men don't have solid relationships with...

When it comes to lust, we are missing the point if we are only focusing on eyes and mind.  Lust is a heart and soul matter.  Men have to decide - do I want to live with integrity and honor my wife?   Who is God calling me to be?  Do I want to be that kind of man or not?  These questions, these heart changes are where it starts.  Sure, there is behavior modification (not looking, 1:1 rule) but that...

Regular check-ins are a foundational tool for many couples in recovery. It was for us! in this episode we talk about how to view the check-ins (hint: its not a box to check!), how to approach them and why consistency matters. We give a framework for the FITNAP check in that we use with folks and talk about how we transitioned to that from the FANIT found on page 153 in the  Rescued  Workbook .  Ma...

In this episode we talk about the difference between integrity issues and addiction. For some wives the label of "addict" can bring relief, because the issue is a quantifiable and there is a plan for help. For others, the label is a death sentence that brings hopelessness. We wanted to give folks an understanding of key characteristics of addiction and talk about why there is resistance for many m...

We also wanted to shine the light on all the work that he is {hopefully} doing early on in recovery.  Jason goes into some of the internal work he is doing that she might not see - fighting for his integrity, fighting resignation, fighting to not adopt failure as an identity - just to name a few.  We also talk about the work she will start to see - which is a byproduct of the internal work he is d...

So apparently men in Jason's office say that they are doing a lot of the early work of recovery (not her). Not to start a fight or anything but… We dig more into this during this episode of the pod. Truly, when both the husband and wife are engaged in recovery - they are both working really hard. We thought it would be helpful to name what she is doing early on in recovery so that he can really se...

We dig into the trauma model versus the addiction model and of course take some rabbit trails and talk about things like vicarious trust, codependency, trauma and the Redemptive Living way of doing things.  We are so glad you are with us for season #2!   It was this episode  where Jason mentions codependency and how much he hates that word. Click here to order  Rescued . I continue this conversati...

So our plan was to talk about the ins and outs of detachment for this last episode of season one. But first, I wanted to start with a quick question regarding equanimity in the recovery process. Simply because I often hear of husbands saying - they want it to be equal. As Jason and I continued to dive deeper into the topic, I realized that we would need to save detachment for season two.   In this...

We've received some great questions during this season of the podcast. We wanted to tackle as many of these as we could and didn't get near as many answered as we wanted to but that's okay. There (hopefully) is always the next episode! A couple of the questions we answered - Is it possible that Jason loved me in the midst of his acting out? And is it fair for husbands to say that they didn't mean...

Sitting on secrets is incredibly detrimental in the recovery process.  We (actually, Jason) shares four main reasons that men choose to sit on secrets during the recovery process.  In addition, he talks through the really important recovery aspects that sitting on secrets will block (intimacy, empathy, grieving, ability to help others, and freedom).  Ultimately - when a man working recovery is sit...

In this episode, I (Shelley) share how difficult it is when my story of being a betrayed wife is the first thing that people know about me. We are so much more than this part of our stories, ladies. In this episode - I share more about how the betrayal piece is just a small part of the story and give hope and encouragement to women that are feeling like it's all consuming for them in the here and...

In this episode, we discuss several strategies to mitigate anxiety during the recovery process. It's fair to say we segue into some other topics - women's intuition, women trusting other women, support groups, who is driving the recovery bus. Let's just say you're going to feel like you are sitting in our living room while Jason and I are chit-chatting. So grab a warm drink and a blanket and get c...

Did you know there are two different types of shame? There is toxic shame, which most of us refer to and talk about these days; and then there is Biblical shame. Shame is complicated, yáll, and because of that, Jason does most of the talking here. I was just trying to keep up! Keep in mind that we must work through the toxic shame before we can work through the Biblical shame. However - Biblical s...

Have you heard him say - "I'm sorry I hurt you. You would be better off without me." And it doesn't actually help? This is because comments like this are enveloped in shame and are sympathetic, but not empathetic. In this episode, Jason and I talk through what she needs to hear and how, yes, HOW he can learn to be empathetic. Get your pen and paper ready - you're going to want to take notes!   Vid...

Piggy-backing off of the last episode, there are times when there is no good answer for the questions that she might be asking. This doesn't mean that the questions aren't worthwhile. Not even close - her questions are incredibly important because it's part of how she is working through her grieving process. "I don't remember" is not a good answer. Listen in as Jason and Shelly share three practic...

Why did he do this? If you haven't already noticed, I like to give Jason a hard time (as you will hear a couple of times throughout this episode). He's real patient with me and just rolls with it. He's a good guy. In this episode, we talk about a big question that women ask - "Why? Why did you do this?!" I share a couple of reasons as to why she needs to hear the reasons from her husband, we talk...

We are back with a candid conversation about triggers. Have you heard of a trigger-squared? Well - it's a real thing and we want to make sure that doesn't happen so in this episode, we talk through some practical tips to help manage triggers  in public. Links to select blog posts on triggers:  here  and  here Questions for the Podcast?  Email Shelley  with the subject line: Podcast. Order the Resc...

Where is the roadmap for recovery? Is there a perfect way to go about it? Jason and Shelley unpack these questions as well as discuss what they would have done differently three months into the process and three years into the process. "The music happens between the notes"- the actual quote is "Music is the silence between the notes" and is accredited to  Claude Debussy . Links to a select few of...

Welcome to Redemptive Living Radio!  A new podcast created for couples looking for hope as they heal from sexual betrayal in their marriages.  In this first episode, we share our story, talk a bit about where we are at today and our vision for this podcast. Visit Jason's website at  redemptiveliving.com . Visit Shelley's website at  rlforwomen.com . Watch a video  of Jason and Shelley's full story...