PsycHacks

Many people have not yet achieved the success they desire because they have not yet been willing to pay the costs of winning. One of these costs is surrendering the privilege of losing. This may sound counterintuitive at first blush -- "privilege" is good, "losing" is bad -- but it turns out that there are many benefits to losing that people are loath to forgo. I discuss a number of these privileg...

In a much requested episode, I approach the landscape of dating after 50. After accepting the fact that everyone in this demographic has been wounded in some way, we can consider the challenge (and opportunity) of dating in this phase of life, namely: needlessness. Most people in this demographic aren't looking for marriage or kids or lifestyle. They don't need much from a prospective partner: jus...

If you want an in with a specific group or individual, you cannot wait for an invitation to arrive. You need to write your own invitation. And you do this by cultivating enough of what the individual or group in question values that you can no longer be ignored. This is also the secret to building new friendships as an adult man. I discuss what this might look like through my experience creating P...

It's never a good idea to fight to keep people in your life, or (to put it another way) to stop people from leaving the relationship. This is not only because it rarely works, but because -- when it does work -- you end up with something that isn't worth fighting for: a high-conflict and unstable relationship. If someone tries to walk out of your life, let them. Don't chase them down. Anyone who w...

One of the principal rules governing relationships of all kinds is that the core transaction at the heart of that particular relationship should never be explicitly discussed. And though this rule gives rise to a good deal of indirectness, foolishness, and deceit, it's probably not going anywhere anytime soon, as it protects the dignity of the individuals involved. In today's episode, I discuss ho...

The vast majority of dating advice isn't worth the paper it's printed on. This is because it tends to describe how we would like dating to be or how we believe dating should be. However, even the best only get it half right. The fact of the matter is that dating is subject to both economic and psychological forces, and emphasizing one without the other leaves people bewildered and hopeless. I disc...

Sexual relationships between men and women tend to thrive when the man is, confidently and respectfully, leading the relationship. However, it can be difficult for modern women to follow for a variety of reasons. In this episode, I teach men how to lead their women using principles exhibited by successful military commanders. By leading from the front and deeply understanding those under their com...

Love is one of the most abundant resources in the universe. So why do so many people struggle to find it? Simple: they don't understand what they're searching for, and they look for it in the wrong places. Most people don't want to love as much as they want the gratification of being loved -- which is why they look for love in other people. I discuss further in this episode. Buy my book, "The Valu...

Modern dating can be a frustrating, disappointing, and crazy-making experience. In this episode, I share my trick for participating in the sexual marketplace without succumbing to rage or despair: high hopes and low expectations. The idea is to enter into the timeless present and surrender the realization of the smallest next possible step. This also increases your attractiveness by showing up as...

Heartbreak is one of the most painful experiences a person can pass through -- but why might this be the case? After all, anything that actually transpired in the relationship is secure in the past and can't ever be taken from you. What makes a breakup painful is the death of a dream: the loss of a preferred future. This is why you always break your own heart, and why you must always put it back t...

While making men angry might be a business online, it is dwarfed in size and scope by the business of making women feel right. By validating women's emotions and reflecting back to them what they already believe to be true, certain content creators are paid handsomely for helping women feel as though the sources of their relationship problems lie elsewhere. However, if a woman has yet to secure th...

When I speak with men in their 30s, I often hear them speak of their concern about being "the old man at the club." They're aging out of their old haunts, and (consequently) believe that it must be time to settle down. However, this isn't necessarily the case. After all, it depends on the club to which they're referring. Is it the nightclub or the country club? In this episode, I discuss the impor...

The secret of a successful relationship is somewhat counterintuitive: want less from your partner. After relating an anecdote in which I learned this secret, I discuss the importance of getting any need that can be satisfied outside of a sexual relationship met elsewhere. This significantly lowers the burden you place on your partner, and increases the likelihood that the relationship will play to...

Most men have no interest in fighting with their partners. So why does it end up happening? In this video, I discuss how women can spring a trap inside the minds of men, and how men can inadvertently sow the seeds of discord in their relationships. Of course, I also provide strategies for disarming this process and cultivating harmony. Buy my book, "The Value of Others" Ebook: https://amzn.to/460u...

"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" refers to men's observed hesitancy to provide additional resources or commitment to women who are already providing them with sex. However, this bon mot is no longer relevant in the contemporary sexual marketplace. This is because the statement assumes a marketplace in which milk is generally sold -- not one in which it is freely distributed. I...

People often consider self-respect to be a unilateral positive that has no downside. However, this isn't true. The problem with self-respect is that it is costly. Using Linehan's model of interpersonal effectiveness, I explain why standing up for yourself can often lead to sub-optimal outcomes. This goal should only be prioritized sparingly to ensure objective effectiveness and harmonious relation...

Despite the development of several technologies to facilitate the experience, dating seems more challenging and confusing than ever. In point of fact, dating apps are making it harder to date -- though why this might be the case is a little counterintuitive. In this episode, which is based on an except of my book, I explain why fewer sexual relationships are being transacted in the age of dating a...

I've been conducting a lot of consultations with men recently who are the horns of a dilemma, namely: they feel the need to choose between two women for a relationship. In every instance, they fall prey to the cognitive trap of comparing the women in question against each other. In this episode, I explain why this tends to leads to sub-optimal outcomes and how to approach this "good" problem more...

This is the third part in my three-part series on why successful men use escorts. Just like in the commercial marketplace, you typically get what you pay for in the sexual marketplace, as well. In this episode, I respond to the most common objections to the use of escorts, in particular, and to transactional relationships, in general. This should help women better position themselves to effectivel...

This is the second part in my three-part series on why successful men use escorts. Much like exceptionally beautiful women, very successful men are priced out of the sexual marketplace as traditional dating becomes increasingly expensive for them. The $50,000 beer exemplifies how opportunity cost can influence behavior among these populations to a greater extent than can intrinsic personality fact...

This is the first episode of a three-part series on why successful men use escorts. It turns out that the rich and the beautiful have something in common when it comes to the game of mating and dating: they can both inadvertently price themselves out of the sexual marketplace. By understanding how traditional dating becomes increasingly expensive as a function of a man's success, women can better...

Not matter the amount of due diligence a man conducts in the courtship process, women will always remain a role of the dice. So it's important to approach relationships like one would approach gambling. And the fundamental rule of gambling is never to bet with more than you can afford to lose. This is essential to keep in mind when dealing with women not only because all relationships eventually e...

The contemporary sexual marketplace is witnessing a Mexican standoff between men and women. Women want men to "do better," and men want women to be reasonable. Both sides are increasingly comfortable remaining single until their demands are met. In this episode, I discuss the way out of this standoff by examining how the power differential between men and women changes as a function of time. If yo...

My definition of a date is that it's connection plus sexual possibility. You need both for a date to be a date. Otherwise, you're dealing with a hookup (on the one hand) or an interview (on the other). And this is why the date is God's perfect creation: when it does well, both parties get what they want. As a result, it's never a good idea to meet halfway on a date, as it severely limits the logis...

Given the state of modern courtship, in which sex precedes commitment, many women are concerned about "being used" in the dating process. Unfortunately, there is no way around this. Just like most men have to expose themselves to potentially being used for their resources to secure a relationship, most women have to allow themselves to run the risk of being used sexually to get the same. The alter...