PsycHacks

A lot of the issues that people are subject to facing in their adult lives stem from failures in their childhood environments. And in my clinical experience, these issues are somewhat different depending on whether the failure originated in the father or in the mother. In today's episode, I'll be comparing mother love and father love: how they might be distinct from each other and why both are ins...

While women have long ago realized the importance of vetting men, most men do not intentionally screen women before entering into sexual relationships with them. This is largely due to poor optionality, which is just happy to be given an opportunity at all. Unfortunately, this significantly increases the likelihood that men will become involved with difficult, damaged, or dangerous women over a lo...

Judging others is never a good look because it functionally communicates that you have nothing better to do -- which is almost certainly not true. When people are focused on their own growth and success, they typically do not have any bandwidth left to critically evaluate others. Entering into the mood of complaint is an invitation to examine the beam in your own eye, which must be removed before...

Much of the confusion and frustration around relationships disappears once you understand that every relationship is actually two relationships: the negotiated structure and the emotional bond. Possession of the one does not guarantee the other. For example, marriage does not entitle you to love, and love does not entitle you to marriage. Ideally, you have both at more or less equal intensity. How...

Having a place to go and something to do there has saved more marriages than couple's therapy ever will. Men and women were never designed to spend so much time with each other. By removing too many barriers to access, lovers are slowly transformed into roommates. Most couples do not suffer from too much space – but too little. Buy my book, "The Value of Others" Ebook: https://amzn.to/460uGrA Audi...

There is a problem that all couples must confront over the course of their relationship: what should they do with their farts? Some hold them in and others let 'em rip. These two camps constitute two different approaches to the unpleasant realities of self and other: repress them to maintain harmony or express them to promote authenticity. Which approach is undertaken has non-trivial consequences...

Men sometimes believe that understanding the origins of a woman's problematic behavior (e.g., childhood trauma, narcissistic ex) will somehow lessen the impact of that behavior. This is not true. Much like an employer after a lackluster interview, there is no need to understand why the prospective employee did not perform well – and there's certainly no need to extend her a job offer in order to “...

It's important for young men to understand that all women play blackjack. Like players in the game, women in the sexual marketplace must choose whether to stand (settle) or hit (move on) in their bid to get as close as possible to 21 (an ideal relationship) without busting (the close of their reproductive window). To make this decision, they incorporate information from their hold cards (current r...

As discussed in a previous episode, if a man is rich and attractive, he isn't going to be loyal – so this is the hardest man to lock down. That said, even movie stars and world leaders settle down – so it is possible to get them to commit. To do so, however, it is not enough for a woman to be attractive and inoffensive: she must captivate him emotionally, as well. By channeling her inner Scheheraz...

Ladies: a man can be rich, a man can be attractive, and a man can be loyal. However, you can only get two – max. This is because any one of these attributes is very expensive to cultivate, and no one will pay more than they need to for the same good. As a result, we collectively consider it lucky if a man has even one of these attributes – which makes two exceedingly rare and three overkill. In th...

Many people misunderstand game to be a suite of gimmicky tactics or the Machiavellian manipulation of another. While these exist, this is not what game truly is. Game is the ability to effectively seduce, and play is the essence of game. Play is neither frivolous nor silly. It is the ability to create a separate reality that is only accessible to the initiated and in which the objects of play come...

Though it may seem hard to believe, men's predominant romantic fantasy – at least when it comes to their sexual relationships with women – is partnership. Despite what they may say, most women don't want an equal partner – they want men who will significantly improve the quality of their lives. And it is very difficult – if not impossible – for a man to simultaneously be an equal partner and a bet...

Whether it lasts for an evening for a lifetime, all relationships progress through three distinct phases: attraction, negotiation, and maintenance. However, it's wrong to believe that these phases have distinct boundaries between them. In point of fact, a phase is never terminated once it has been initiated in the course of a relationship. This means that much of the third phase is devoted to main...

One of the reasons by women disproportionately end relationships is that they don't have to work for the relationships they have. Whereas most women make men work for sex, most men do not make women work for commitment: they hand it to them on a silver platter lest they jeopardize the sexual opportunity. Like many things in life, it's easy come, easy go. If you want a woman to fight for her relati...

While it may be disappointing to accept, many problems are their best solutions. This means that the process of solving that problem will create more problems that are even more problematic than the problem the process initially intended to solve. Accepting this reality will not only help you remain patient and compassionate with others (and yourself), it will also make you more cautious about fid...

Why is it the case that physical attractiveness and mental instability so often seem to go together in women? The answer is simple: no one tells beautiful women the truth. Since most men want to sleep with beautiful women, and the truth does not get men laid, men will consistently sacrifice the truth in the service of their sexual self-interest. As a result, these women often develop a model of re...

Why is it the case that success and selfishness so often seem to go together in men? The answer is simple: men don't really want to romance women. When they are unable to provide the lifestyle and provision for which women typically select, men adopt romantic consideration as a kind of virtuous necessity in the service of their goals. However, once they become successful, they believe that they sh...

This might be my most important concept for men to understand: the lens of attraction. More than anything else, it helps to explain why success with women isn't about doing the “right” things. The exact same woman can perceive the exact same behavior in two wildly disparate ways as a consequence of her attraction levels. Keep her attraction high and you will do no wrong; let it drop and you won't...

Men can do nothing wrong – they can be completely right – and they can still encounter conflict and difficulty with their women. This is because being right doesn't matter – or, at least, it doesn't matter nearly as much as many men would like to believe it does. By understanding the relationship between games and the meta-games in which they are embedded, men can learn be more effective in their...

Sexless marriage is a depressingly common phenomenon and not one that is well understood. My take is fairly unconventional, namely: refusing to have sex in an exclusive, monogamous relationship by unilateral decision is a form of cheating. This is because the “mono” in “monogamy” mean “one.” So cheating in monogamous relationships occurs when someone isn't having sex with one person – and fewer th...

This is an episode for the ladies. Women: if you're single, and you don't want to be, you may want to consider going back to school. I don't mean graduate school. I mean investing time, energy, and money into learning what makes men tick. Time to earn a PhD in men. In the absence of real understanding, women's only recourse is to the cliches and banalities that will just get them more of the same....

My book, “The Value of Others,” begins and ends with a parable. Many have asked me about the significance of the parable in the epilogue, which relates an episode from the life of Jesus. In applying this parable to sexual relationships, we can understand the importance of using the coin of the realm. Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's. When men pay women in women's currency, and women pay men in...

Much of my work is devoted to reducing unnecessary suffering. However, not all suffering is unnecessary. So what is the appropriate response to the necessary and unavoidable suffering that we must all experience at some points in our lives? The answer comes through observing a horse in the rain – who does nothing to make his situation any worse than it already is. When we stop fighting our circums...

A client who believed that the juice isn't worth the squeeze once asked me what I personally get out of my relationships with women. This episode functionally summarizes my response, namely: a woman is the cherry on top. Strictly speaking, a cherry isn't necessary for a sundae – but it can help to perfect one. Making peace with the fact that modern women – like maraschino cherries – are luxury goo...

Dating as an unconventional person can be extremely demoralizing. Genuine connection is rare, and you may feel as though you need to repress your originality in order to achieve some measure of success. To secure relationships, conventional people should go where the masses congregate. However, unconventional people should get as far away from the crowds as possible. They will need to date off the...