Pessimistic at Best

We're all secretly afraid that our kids will be losers, and listen, I'm here to tell you that if that happened to me? I wouldn't talk to him either! James and I jump on the podcast to toast to bar games (think pool, darts, shuffleboard, yktv!!!), lament the fact that our thousand-dollar pocket computers require protective gear just to survive, and side-eye parents who let their kids...

Why did breakfast box itself into such narrow thinking? The day's most important meal could be so much more than eggs, if only we let it become fully realized!!! Sadie and I jump on the podcast to chat about nicknames we love, bike lanes we loathe, and our deep dissatisfaction with the oppressive egg agenda. Support the show THERE'S MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM:   FOLLOW THE PODCAST Instagr...

If there's a viral snack collab unfolding, Lilly is on the scene! Mountain Dew x Flamin’ Hot Cheetos? Sign her up. Swedish Fish Oreos? She's buying 'em, and nobody can stop her, damn it! Lilly and I take to the podcast to indulge in absurd snack innovations, spiral about accumulating too much “stuff,” and express our utter disgust at some of the world’s most nauseating smells. Suppo...

Who eats sardines straight from the tin, carries a wad of rubberband-bound singles, and is in “talks” with the Italian government? Depends on who's asking.  Adam and I take to the podcast to toast to tinned fish, raise a stink about early morning construction, and pour one out for the many folks who were recently denied Italian citizenship thanks to the consulate's ever-changing rules. J...

It’s important to remember that the SUR experience has little to do with the food. Its true specialties lie in campy ambiance, overpriced cocktails, and the chance to share a room with some of reality TV’s messiest players—pure bliss! Matt and I jump on the podcast to honor our favorite divorce albums, condemn car culture’s grip on society, and reflect on the tragedy of the Titanic on the 113th an...

Picture this: You're freshly thirteen, you've got your brand new Ocean Pacific swimsuit on, and you're patiently making your way up the wooden staircase with your tube in hand. What's waiting for you at the top, you ask? None other than the Wilderness' most infamous waterslide, the Hurricane . Talk about full-body chills! Colton and I jump on the podcast to celebrate the v...

Name something more c*nty than a giant chiseled man with a spray tan and platinum blonde blowout strutting to the ring in a bedazzled outfit to the tune of "Real American"—you can't! Rohan and I take to the podcast to celebrate grown men finding an outlet for self-expression, reject the creation of breast milk-flavored ice cream, and criticize the wealthy elite hoarding their fortun...

If I have to use my own cellphone to pull up the menu at the restaurant, I'm clocking in because I work here now. I said what I said! James and I return to the podcast to celebrate Flow's Academy Award for Best Animated Feature (s/o to Latvia, a real place that exists!), dismantle the Digital Menu Industrial Complex™️, and point fingers at people who don't make enough room for you o...

I recently found myself feeling insecure about my Hydro during a Zoom call full of Stanleys and decided enough is enough! Screw your trendy water bottle! Unless you're still chewing on your Camelbak straw, like seriously, it's time to move on. James and I hit the podcast to celebrate mixing metals, call out water bottle fads, and critique public feuds. Join in, you know you wanna! Suppor...

Picture this: The year is 2025 and you're making the active choice to jump back on the reading train after it dawns on you that you've forgotten how to do anything besides watch TV. Sound familiar? If so, you're safe here! Grace and I take to the podcast to celebrate Chelsea Handler's new book, I'll Have What She's Having, recoil at the thought of receiving an out-of-...

Have you ever been out to eat when your waiter suddenly goes missing, only to reappear on stage, mic in hand, bringing down the house? It's like, sure you wanted another martini, but ultimately you're happy they're having their moment! Owen and I take to the podcast to celebrate servers with secret talents, protest loud speakers in public places, and cringe at the mukbang of it all...

Were you normal, or were you spending your iTunes gift cards on Glee covers? Don't worry, you're amongst friends!  Donnie and I take to the podcast to celebrate authenticity, stress over our favorite strategy-based reality TV game shows, and complain about men, naturally! Btw, did we ever figure out if Lea Michelle could read? Lmk, seriously.  Support the show THERE'S MORE WHERE THA...

Brunch is something you plan in advance. It's an event you prepare for. Heck, you might even put on a cute outfit! Breakfast, on the other hand, is thrust upon you (whether you like it or not!) Luke and I take to the podcast to rejoice in the pleasure of breakfast with your friends, complain about the reality of women's healthcare, and clap back at people who pick on picky eaters. Suppor...

Everyone can be someone and anything can be cool — and isn't that beautiful? Sure, there will always be pop stars with seismic fanbases like Taylor Swift and Beyoncé, but the "mainstream" is over, you heard it here first! James and I take to the podcast to dive into the death of the mainstream, protest our apparent collective dedication to ignoring the human desire to hibernate, and...

We're back, babies! And ever so grateful to be back in your ears each week. We missed you terribly — what a long two months it has truly been. Much to catch up on, so let's take it from the top! James and I take to the podcast to share our favorite onomatopoeias, lament over the humiliation of running to catch the bus, and complain about pants when they inevitably get a little loose at t...

Friendly reminder that the absolute worst thing you can do is tell someone they seem tired, it never goes over well. Instead, you could try, "You look like shit," or "What the hell is your problem." This week James and I take to the podcast to encourage more themed parties, commiserate about just how much it sucks to throw up, and to render our final verdict on the fake Christm...

Great news team, becoming a better person is actually incredibly easy! Follow our 5-step process and you'll surely go straight to heaven or be reincarnated as something really cool or whatever. In this week's episode, James and I take to the podcast to celebrate the versatility of the fist bump, condemn the act of killing bugs outside, and drag the folks who film strangers in public with...

Have you ever been to the state of Delaware? Because me neither, and I have no designs on visiting! Devonte and I take to the podcast to celebrate finding fulfillment in our respective careers and shared community, to burst the bubble that is traveling for work, and to throw shade at the CTA. Support the show THERE'S MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM:   FOLLOW THE PODCAST Instagram: @pessimisticatbes...

Playing dumb is all fun and games until you're on the receiving end of such behavior — we said what we said! Aidan and I take to the podcast to sing the praises of our favorite fast-food chain (Taco Bell, duh!), deliberate over the appropriate way to deplane after a flight, and expose people for weaponizing their incompetence. Support the show THERE'S MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM:   FOLLOW...

Are you buying into the propaganda that morning people are more productive? Because we’ve sold our souls and signed on the dotted line. Manu and I are just a couple of night owls on the quest to become early risers and get that damn worm if it's the last thing we do! Join us on the podcast for a conversation about embracing new hobbies, getting bad sleep, and the curse of the Hyundai Sonata. ...

If you listen to this episode I'm sorry and if you make it all the way to the end something is literally wrong with you! Truly rubbing my last two brain cells together for this one, enter at your own risk! James and I take to the podcast to relive the golden age of computer games, lament the hassle of cleaning one's makeup brushes, and shame anyone with a cracked iPhone based on what it...

We're starting a support group for people who have had to execute a Facebook Marketplace pickup while viciously hungover—do you want in? Luke and I take to the podcast this week to chat about our favorite micro-influencers, our aversion to submitting maintenance requests as renters, and our deep disappointment when we reconvene with our besties after a night out and no one has collected any g...

If it's one thing about us, it's that we're going to buy tickets to the concert! Annie and I take to the podcast to share in our love for being "woo" girls at our favorite live shows, to bitch about music venues that don't have water stations, and to shame our friends who don't know how to purchase concert tickets without getting scammed. (You know who you are —...

How many hotdogs could you reasonably consume in a 2.5-hour sitting? The 9x9x9 challenge has officially met its match, and I have the absolute pleasure of hosting our fearless champion on this week's podcast! Neil and I take to the pod to chat about the joys of trying your hand at something new, the horrors of bad plumbing, and the ultimate buzzkill—getting slapped with a parking ticket (or t...

Is it just us, or do all Midwestern dads have the same undeniable penchant for building elaborate underwater ecosystems within the home? What’s the story there? This week on the podcast Grace and I share our affinity for Autumn's rebrand, our loathing of overcrowded spaces, and our tendency toward bad sportsmanship. Join in, you know you wanna! Support the show THERE'S MORE WHERE THAT CA...