Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction

Debbie McRae and Tami tackle 'betrayal brain', the intrusive thoughts, and emotional flooding that often accompany betrayal. When the brain is in survival mode, neurological and psychological effects are out of the betrayed partner's control. They discuss tactics to regain control when the brain is hijacked.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:26] When betrayal occurs, the architecture of the brain is reshaped.  [4:...

Dr. Rob and Tami tackle hard questions about sex and intimacy in the wake of betrayal. They cover the role of a spouse in supporting their partner 'for better and for worse", how to set boundaries that take care of you first, and addressing the trauma and intrusive thoughts that often come after disclosure.    TAKEAWAYS: [:20] Where do personal responsibility and societal norms come into play?  [7...

Therapist Erin Snow shares insights into addiction, betrayal, boundaries and healing. She underscores the impact of addiction in the workplace, the importance of setting boundaries after betrayal, the realities of weaponizing sex in a partnership, and why betrayed partners often pursue safety seeking behaviors during healing.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:05] How addiction manifests in the workplace.  [5:17] M...

Therapist Debbie McRae discusses options for the betrayed partner when the betraying partner is stalling or not fully in recovery. She offers tactics for partners who are stuck in the cycle of fear and uncertainty and are ready to regain control in healthy ways while seeking safety after betrayal.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:05] Common recovery limbo scenarios and what each one means.  [4:33] Recovery limbo...

Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami answer participant questions about the importance of combining sex and drug addictions in treatment and recovery, the danger of staying stuck in the rage phase, and who you have control over in healing and recovery (it's you and only you!).    TAKEAWAYS: [:55] Does 'vanilla' porn really affect our relationship? I don't believe it's hurting my partner. [5:53] What are the maj...

Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami answer participant questions about the challenges of rebuilding trust in a betrayed relationship and the importance of focusing on what you can do as a betrayed partner instead of focusing on what your addict partner can't or shouldn't do.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:40] My reluctant, betrayed spouse has been gone for a year. How can I approach them about my behavior?  [6:43] I feel li...

This week's conversation features The Shoeless Therapist Matt Wheeler. He answers questions about needs and wants, the role of sex in meeting relationship needs, and what partners can do to feel more securely attached to each other.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:24] Is disclosure always necessary?  [3:43] People in recovery often aren't aware of what their needs truly are.  [6:42] What happens when we neglect...

In this week's Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Dr. Rob Weiss answers participant questions about spectrum disorders, personality disorders, honest therapeutic disclosure, and the importance of involving qualified professionals in diagnosis and recovery.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:08] What are the key differences between the compulsion of a sex addict and OCD?  [6:08] The danger of self-diagnosing personality and mood...

In this webinar, CSAT therapist Jon Taylor offers a high-level overview of Attachment Theory, how it manifests as maturity in a relationship, and how it impacts sex addiction and betrayal trauma recovery. Jon and Tami then answer questions about attachment theory's role in creating strong relationships.   TAKEAWAYS: [:55] The role of attachment theory in addiction recovery.  [1:58] The history and...

In this episode, Scott Brassart discusses the addictive nature of sex and pornography, and how these addictions create dysregulation in the dopamine rewards system. Scott and Tami also answer participant questions about the difference between habits and addictions and timelines in recovery.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:10] The dopamine system craves rewards and pleasure.  [3:41] The danger of manipulating the...

Mark Anthony Lord joins Tami to discuss the value of building a better Higher Power relationship, and why that can be a key to lasting recovery.  He shares his personal addiction recovery experience, the joy he feels from being alive today, and how he was led to create the 12-Step Church .    TAKEAWAYS: [1:32] Sex and drugs recovery was the impetus for Mark's spiritual path.  [4:47] Learning how t...

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Erin Snow answers participant questions about fetishes and triggers – what they are, where they come from, and what they really mean about a person's sexuality and the likelihood of successful recovery. She also offers resources and actions betrayed partners can employ to empower themselves while they offer support to their addicted partner.    TAKEAWAYS: [:56]...

In this episode, Scott Brassart discusses the addictive nature of pornography, and why it's such a hard "drug" to quit. Scott and Tami then answer participant questions about porn addiction and recovery support for both the addict and the partner.    TAKEAWAYS: [:30] Porn, written porn, and 'not porn' – all from a porn addict's perspective.  [2:47] What makes so appealing porn to addicts?  [4:20]...

Dr. Eddie Capparucci and Tami discuss and answer questions about building confidence in recovery. They describe the coping strategies and layers of hurt that can be found on the pain field, and the four things that have to happen in order for a partner to successfully stay on the pain field in order to work toward recovery and healing. This session was live via SexandRelationshipHealing.com on Feb...

Debbie McRae takes on a word that she hears daily in her practice – gaslighting.  Why do sex and porn addicts gaslight, and what can their partners do about it? This webinar covers what exactly gaslighting is, what purpose it serves, what it might sound like, and what you can do about it.    TAKEAWAYS: [:30] Gaslighting is a term that Debbie McRae hears every single day in her practice.  [1:21] Si...

Dr. Rob and Tami discuss some of the most common questions about relapse, including triggers, timing, and mental health considerations. They also address questions about fairness in affairs, the role of grief in recovery and healing, and when it's time to stop worrying about your partner and start loving yourself.    TAKEAWAYS: [:30] My partner started dating after our divorce, and now we are back...

Every recovering addict has to face their triggers at some point. Triggers that are handled in a healthy way don't result in regrettable behaviors, while unmanaged triggers can lead to additional pain and loss of trust. Seeking Integrity's Scott Brassart joins Tami for a conversation about the nature of triggers and the options that addicts have when dealing with them. This session was live via Se...

Boundaries can be one of the hardest areas in recovery for both the addict and their partner. Addicts and their partners only have one thing in their control during recovery – themselves.  Setting up both internal and external boundaries is key to a successful recovery journey. In this online webinar, therapist Debbie McRae discusses internal boundaries.    TAKEAWAYS: [:25] Common boundary mistake...

Forgiveness is a long and winding process.  Like grief, it takes many forms and cannot be rushed or demanded.  Betrayed partners can choose to offer forgiveness on their own timelines. Dr. Rob and Tami explore the steps of forgiveness, the timeline of returning intimacy, and what it takes for an addict to truly hit rock bottom and start to make real change.    TAKEAWAYS: [:28] What is a good indic...

An apology is a starting point, a basic human relationship skill, and an essential component of healing.  In this twice-monthly Rocking Relationships in Recovery webinar, host Jon Taylor, Utah Therapist (CSAT), discusses how and why to effectively apologize.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:08] Executed well, an apology can be a powerful change for a person issuing the apology. [4:06] John shares the first big fi...

Dr. Rob and Tami break down the details of honesty – when, why and how you must tell the truth to begin reestablishing trust with your betrayed partner. Recovering addicts often take breaks in their recovery meetings and goals only to discover that they have taken serious steps backward as a result. Prioritizing the 12 Step program is essential to recovery and is also a sign that the addict is pri...

Dr. Tami is joined by Kristen Snowden, a licensed trauma therapist who works with addicts and their betrayed partners. Kristen shares questions for the betrayed to ask themselves when working through the process of deciding whether to stay or go. Shame, hurt and fear can accompany the choice to leave just as persistently as it can for someone who chooses to stay, and her questions can help the bet...

Dr. Rob and Tami consider the timeline many couples face when traveling the road of recovery – how and when does it make sense to connect intimately again?  Too often the addicted partner is ready to move into the future without allowing appropriate time for healing from the pain and betrayal of the past.  How can couples recover and reconcile together in healthy and healing ways?    TAKEAWAYS: [0...

Dr. Rob and Tami discuss the arousal template and the meaning behind escalation in addiction. Behaviors themselves are rarely as important as the reasons why the behavior is happening in the first place.  What steps does an addict need to take to stop acting out in addictive and harmful ways? How can all involved parties get the support that they need when working through trauma, and where should...

Dr. Rob and Tami explore some questions from sex addicts and betrayed partners about trust, intimacy, gaslighting, and disclosure. Dr. Rob highlights the difference between addictive behaviors and sexual preferences, offers a realistic timeline for full disclosure and healing, and explains (again) that there is nothing a partner can do to force an addict to act out. Dr. Rob has written a number of...