No Not the Mind Probe: A Doctor Who podcast

We open on... a spaceship. SMASH CUT TO POV of a podcaster. He watched a Doctor Who episode he's not yet seen. It's weird. He reviews it with his friend.

Who's who in Who? Hard to say, as duplicates abound across these new and classic stories.

OK, invasion force! Everyone through the portal! No pushing! Let's be orderly while we invade. And please: get on your lion and/or bison masks! Let's look sharp coming through this portal!

These Doctor Who stories are passing the Bechdel test left and right! Two tales that center around young girls with big imaginations.

We take the podcast down where it's hotter, under the water. Forget your troubles. Life is the bubbles. Under the sea.

Davros and the Doctor: the original odd couple! Oh, when will these two crazy kids realize that they're not enemies? They're in LOVE, God damn it! Sweet, beautiful love! Also, the first ever Dalek story.

We consider whether this entire podcast is real, or just a vision in John's little snowglobe. Meanwhile, the Twelfth and Fifth Doctor do battle across the dreamscape, in a pair of the best stories we've ever watched in one episode!

Danny Pink: we hardly knew ye. Seriously. We didn't really ever get a chance to know you. But now you're gone! And you do go out with a bang. Plus, we finally see who the hell this Missy character is. Also: a half-great story from years past with all the trappings that Porter loves.

This episode you're going to want to watch in full sunlight, and make sure to surround yourself with a health amount of peat moss. The Doctor takes on nature's greatest scourge: PLANTS. Break out your hedge clippers, people!

In what is clearly an homage to the iconic Rob Schneider SNL sketch, "Tiny Elvis", we check in on two episodes where the Doctor deals with shrinkage.

Always listen to your mummy. Unless they are intent on strangling you to death. The Twelfth and Fourth Doctor both explore Egyptology in two classic episodes.

The Twelfth Doctor puts the big decision onto Clara and the human race. The Second Doctor amuses himself with a comb, and a brush, and a bowl full of mush. And some Cybermen.

Global thermonuclear war. It's not a game. But it sure makes for a lot of excitement! John and Porter take a look at a couple of episodes where the Doctor stops Earth from being annihilated.

We're getting the whole gang back together for one last score. John and Porter take a look at a couple of episodes using heist plotlines.

A unique Peter Capaldi story (where once again we see Clara is the key to all things at all times) is matched with a missing First Doctor story about French history. Oui oui!

Ooo de lally! It's Robin of the 'hood! Clara gets to live out a childhood dream meeting Nottingham Forest's famous do-gooder. And we watch/listen to a classic story taking a look at what Kind Richard was doing during the same time.

It's a meet-cute! The Twelfth Doctor meets a Dalek! And the Dalek is ADORABLE. A nice Dalek? Is it possible? The Doctor and Clara head inside the Dalek itself to see for sure.

It's a new Doctor AND John's favorite classic episode ever! Peter Capaldi shows up and... it's fine. But it's going to get way better!

It's time for us to bid adieu to the wonderful Matt Smith. And also watch a crappy Cybermen story with a whole lot o' Peri.

It's basically a Doctor Who version of the Spider-Man meme, as we have both the 50th and the 20th anniversary specials featuring all sorts of Doctors, real and fake.

We learn the name of the Doctor?! Turns out it's "Cornelia". They've always just been really embarrassed by it. Also, Clara is the center of all things. No big deal.

The guys check in with the Cybermen to see what they're up to. It turns out, they are mainly up to assimilating all organic matter into their single-minded robotic existence. So, you know, normal stuff.

Awright a' body. Gather round, a've git something tae tell ye aboot Doctor Hyu. A'richt? This is a story aboot howfur we catch up wi` Jamie, 'n' whaur th' Doctor 'n' Dlara heid north.

Look, that TARDIS itself is a character, man! You gotta believe me! And think about THIS, the TARDIS is BLUE, but what is how I see blue isn't the same as how YOU see blue? You know, man?

Well, let me just open this door, and see- AUGH! OH MY GOSH! It's a British science fiction television show with a rich history and devoted fanbase! AUUUUGH!