Movie Mastery

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/04/movie-mastery-the-alf-movie.mp3 Hah!  He kills us.  This almost embarrassingly cheap TV special takes Alf on a grand tour of… some B-roll footage of Chicago.  We meet ALF’s brother Mitch (yes, we know the cartoon said his brother’s name was Curtis), and the government agent tasked with catching them both.  What branch of government?  Shut up. Learn...

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/03/movie-mastery-theodore-rex.mp3 After the release of Jurassic Park, dinosaur mania was sweeping the nation. The people wanted dinosaurs and they didn’t care how they got them. Then along came this putrid attempt at a buddy cop film that wasn’t sure if it wanted to be a wacky fart-laugher for kids or a dystopic Judge Dredd-esque cop story. Truly a wa...

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/03/movie-mastery-helldriver.mp3 It’s like someone took the storyboard for an amazing, nutty zombie movie and then let the most boring person alive edit it. If you thought that the one thing that high adrenaline action horror movies needed was turning what would be an establishing shot into an entire scene of a movie then I guess you’re in luck. Learn...

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/02/movie-mastery-black-panther.mp3 From the bottom of our heart shaped plants, thank you for voting for this over Fifty Shades this month. It is a rare occasion that we get to see and review movies that are even remotely decent, let alone overwhelmingly great. It’s like getting a little vacation and it’s all thanks to the voters. Learn more about your...

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/02/movie-mastery-the-death-cure.mp3 In a world where every post apocalypse scenario has come to pass, only a handful of plucky kids can save the day. Can the mega corporation with the dumbest acronym stand up to the mighty onslaught of horny teens? Find out this and more with our in depth review! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/ad...

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/01/movie-mastery-guardians.mp3 It’s time for some superhero action from the Motherland. Russia’s greatest/only heroes must band together to stop the machinations of the evil Dr. Electro-Bane. It’s like if the Fantastic Four were cosmonauts instead (yes I know about Red Ghost and the Super-Apes). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adc...

 https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/01/movie-mastery-suburban-commando.mp3 There was a time when Hollywood was trying really hard to turn Hulk Hogan into a legit movie star. With films like this, though, they skipped the standard process of turning a famous muscle man into a star which usually involves being an action hero and went straight to family comedy. It’s like if Schwarzenegger...

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/12/movie-mastery-jumanji-welcome-to-the-jungle.mp3 So this isn’t a reboot or a remake, this is a sequel to the 1995 original Jumanji movie. Which is weird, because they ditch the entire conceit of the original movie where it’s the game invading the real world for a much blander “Sucked into the video game” trope. Learn more about your ad choices. Visi...

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/12/movie-mastery-the-santa-clauses.mp3 Merry Christmas, everyone. As a special holiday treat we are giving you a giant-sized gift in the form of us reviewing ALL THREE Santa Clause movies. Just a warning, we get a little punch drunk after recording for two hours so it gets a bit off the rails. But that’s what the season is all about! Or something! Lea...

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/12/movie-mastery-deck-the-halls.mp3 It’s time for some seasonal fare with the first of our Bad Dads Christmas movie spectacular. Do these terrible dads not love Christmas enough? Do they love it too much? Not in the specific way the writer/director thinks one should? Well, then, time for them to get dunked on until the realize the error of their ways....

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/11/movie-mastery-justice-league.mp3 Beloved heroes will come together in a climactic story that will both shock and entertain you as you see the spectacle you’ve been waiting years for. That’s not until Avengers: Infinity War comes out, though, so for now you can also watch a movie where bad versions of DC heroes get clowned on until they rely on Supe...

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/11/movie-mastery-the-chipmunk-adventure.mp3 You might have seen this as a kid and remember that it was a fun musical cartoon movie with characters jetting around the globe. It is that, yes, but it is also so much more. This film exists in a universe that is begging to be unraveled and this episode we tear into the meaty flesh to expose what lies benea...

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/11/movie-mastery-garfield-a-tale-of-two-kitties.mp3 Just as this was torture to watch, so too must this episode be torture to listen to. Sadly the audio equipment malfunctioned on this one. Rather than just lose an entire episode, we salvaged it to a listenable point and present it to you. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

 https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/10/movie-mastery-mlp.mp3 Can the magic of friendship overcome the oppressive totalitarian regime of the Storm King and his merchandising? Probably! Special guest James D’Amato from One Shot joins us in picking apart the bizarre implications of the My Little Pony universe. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/10/movie-mastery-night-train-to-terror.mp3 God and the Devil must divvy up the souls of the dead in this horror anthology where everything is just super truncated clips from movies that they could get as cheap as possible to repackage. But hey, Richard Moll is in here twice though so…there’s that. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/a...

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/09/movie-mastery-it.mp3 Something evil is haunting the town of Derry, Maine. It’s a clown that really likes fucking with the protagonists. Can Jon overcome his love of the original Tim Curry It? Can Jef overcome the fact that he hates horror movies and movies in general? Only one way to find out. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/ad...

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/09/movie-mastery-13th-warrior.mp3 It turns out that not every single person that makes a suggestion for the show ends up trying to get us to watch the absolute worst nonsense available. This time we got to watch an actual decent movie adaptation of a Michael Crichton book. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/08/movie-mastery-dungeon-siege.mp3 At some point in time Uwe Boll watched The Lord of the Rings and thought to himself, “Hey, I could do that.” Using the barest connection to a video game and some tax loopholes; he was finally able to create the poor man’s LotR. Like, the poorest man. A man so poor he can’t afford to pay attention. Learn more about yo...

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/08/movie-mastery-dark-tower.mp3 There are other worlds than these. In one of those worlds, there was probably an adaptation of this well beloved series that received critical acclaim and went on to be like The Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter. Sadly, this world will probably see this as a one-and-done semi-sequel that most people were lukewarm to at...

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/07/movie-mastery-valerian.mp3 Most of your favorite sci-fi has likely borrowed something from the hugely influential comic series Valerian and Laureline. Now see the adaptation of the source material that has the bravery to turn intrepid space hero Valerian into a sleazy Pick-up Artist and his competent companion/friend Laureline into a sarcastic biki...

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/07/movie-mastery-rock-a-doodle.mp3 Get ready for an animated musical that features all of your favorite things from the genre including: Songs that last 10 seconds, useless main characters, and a total lack of moral or lesson to be learned. Don Bluth presents Rooster Elvis & Sex Chicken: A Musical Love Story. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit me...

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/06/movie-mastery-dd-scourge-of-worlds.mp3 Join us on a magical adventure where YOU decide what happens! Well…not, you. I mean, WE decided what would happen. We had the controller and all. Anyway, it’s a choose your own adventure style cgi animated D&D movie that looks atrocious and is just as well acted. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megapho...

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/06/movie-mastery-the-mummy-2017.mp3 It’s time to enter a new Dark Universe. One where all the old horror movie monsters have been turned into super villains that aging action heroes must combat for the fate of the world. Get ready for car chases, explosions, and Tom Cruise running. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/06/movie-mastery-baywatch.mp3 Normally seeing that The Rock is in a movie is an assurance that it will at least be somewhat charming, if nothing else. The greatest sin of this movie isn’t the shitty script, lazy jokes, or underwhelming action. No, it’s that they managed to make Dwayne Johnson boring. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.f...

 https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/movie-mastery-tiptoes.mp3 Yes, ok, Gary Oldman has great range and can do many characters. That said, making him walk around on his knees and pretend to be a little person is just terrible. You even had Peter Dinklage RIGHT THERE. Goddammit, movie. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices