Millennial: Pretend Adulting, Real Talk

-FUCK IT. WE'L DO IT LIVE. But seriously we're doing this live, buckle up. -We've completely revamped our Patreon benefits so that they're simpler, but better, than ever before. Example: personalized, handwritten letters from one of the hosts are coming your way. Check it out at Patreon.com/Millennial -Surprise, bitch...es! -The sky is blue, water is wet, and Russia fucked with our election. -Star...

It's ladies night! And the girls outline a newly-revamped Patreon. MuggleFuck: A History. Coming to a theater near you. Hurricane Harvey breaks records as the largest and most intense hurricane in Texas history. We discuss the ramifications and encourage everyone to donate: The Houston Food Bank  The SPCA of Texas Texas Diaper Bank Who is Sheriff Joe Arpaio? Why did he get a pardon? When will he a...

BLIIIIIINDED BY THE LIGHT, wrapped up like a douche you know the rumor is you're tight. (Nailed it.) BANNON. IS. OUT! But T-Swift is about to be back in. Bigly.  Remember that place "Afghanistan"? Where we've been at war for 16 years? Yeah, that's still happening. "War is peace" and "climate change is 'weather extremes'," according to Big Brother. And you love Big Brother.  Disney is divorcing Net...

"In the end, we will not remember the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." -Martin Luther King Jr. imparted wisdom that still speaks to us today. So let's not stay silent.  Charlottesville, Virginia was a repugnant display of violent racism. We try to break down what happened, why, and what the real takeaways should be.  THERE IS NO "ALL SIDES" HERE. THERE'S THE NAZI SIDE AND THE...

Who the hell gets married over Facetime? After only dating for 3 weeks? Well, let us tell you. It's the end of the world as we know it, and we feel like it's a good time to cleanse our souls. We discuss rising tensions with North Korea and take a BUNCH of your pre-apocalypse confessions. Say it with me now: FREE SPEECH DOES NOT = CONSEQUENCE-FREE SPEECH. FREE SPEECH DOES NOT = CONSEQUENCE-FREE SPE...

Pay for Bae: how should couples split things like dates and bills? Is it okay for that dynamic to be lopsided? How are trends (and gender norms) affecting this discussion? AP Choice asks us how to start a new podcast. We have literally no good advice. And in this week's (long) After Dark: We air out our guilty pleasures and learn about some… weird ways of making sure you're all clear to poop. AIM...

Hey what's going on guys? Anything new? Been a pretty slow news week?  NOT. But first, listener feedback spends some time sucking Laura's dick. Trump announces... via tweet... a ban on transgender troops. #FUCK. #YOU. What's worse: Trump shitting on Sessions, or Sessions gleefully smearing it all over his own face?  "It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right - I hope you had the time...

ANDREW. MEETS. KYLE!!! And the crowd roars. (See photo below) Ten years after the release of Deathly Hallows, Laura reflects on her life choice. Andrew airs those life choices for all to see on Patreon. MySpace struggles with a serious security flaw that lets you log into someone's profile with just their birthday and email address. In related news: the hosts learn MySpace still exists. "If I'd kn...

America is all "ain't no party like a covfefe party cause the covfefe party don't stop" or some shit like that. - The found footage nightmare of our favorite haunted house is coming soon to a Patreon near you. - Donald Trump Jr, the little engine that colluded: when life gives you Russians, rig an election. - Net Neutrality is in danger and why you should care. Tweet @AjitPaiFCC and let the FCC di...

We're live streaming the episode on Patreon! Throughout the episode our supporters chat with us. The next iPhone will be getting rid of the fingerprint scanner. We wonder what this experience will be like for those of us with double or triple chins. The rest of the show is all about the listeners! We do a Surprise Bitch call who's being all Hollywood on us from Pittsburgh. In AP Choice, our listen...

Patrons are in for some sleepless nights next week. Brace yourselves for a ghost tour. Voicemails makes a triumphant return with a hilarious drunk message for the hosts. "3 kisses are demanded upon entry of the abode, whether morning or night, on pain of death." Relationship contracts are a thing. What would be in ours? "Transparency is that thing that happens when I pee, right? The burning sensat...

Introducing: #Millennial voicemails. A way for you to harass us and an even better way for us to laugh at you.  Not in my house: liberals get a' talkin' to for some blatant, disturbing hypocrisy that's run roughshod over the Otto Warmbier story.  Justice is an elusive hero, and this week, we question whether it's just that a girl who told her boyfriend to kill himself is found guilty of voluntary...

Breaking personal, family-related news sends the hosts into shock... and pride. The Confessional asks for advice on a Friends With Benefits situation. Step one: don't live with your ex's family. Sometimes we should worry about what's NOT making headlines.  America's Dad is about to have his life shattered and we couldn't be happier.  "Why, this line of questioning is givin' me a case of the vapors...

Women and girls across the globe shout COME AT ME BRO into the night, emboldened by the power and mystique of Wonder Woman.  Associate Producer's Choice - topics submitted by our rockin' sockin' $10 Patrons - gets goofy. #EatEverything "I'm here to represent the citizens of Pittsburgh, not the citizens of Paris," said a president who REALLY THINKS PARIS CAME UP WITH THE PARIS ACCORD?? REALLY?  But...

Happy birthday to our own Founding Father, Andrew Simsjefferson, without whom none of us would be here. (He is our literal dad.) Getting an IUD is like entering the Gates of Hell and your doctor is Lucifer.  We start news off on a serious note, as reports roll in of a terrorist attack in Manchester, UK. Why a concert venue? Why Ariana Grande? Look at these young whippersnappers with their funny cl...

What's been going on this week, guys? Nothing? Yeah, same here. EXCEPT WHAT THE FUCK. Someone at the FBI leaks a memo former Director James Comey wrote wherein he describes Trump pressuring him to drop his investigation - meanwhile, President Fuhrer tells the Russians ALL KINDS OF CLASSIFIED SHIT Oh and P.S. a special prosecutor has been appointed to take on the Russia-Trump investigation. No big....

Andrew, Laura, and Matt recap their recent adventures: Andy's back on the east coast, Laura is about to own a home, and Matt's saying bye to his parents. All of this is good news, it seems. Andrew extends his in-person interactions with #Millennial listeners to a new level: Dating. Frankly, there's only one news story to discuss this week: Comey. We offer a quick recap of the week and what it mean...

Goodbye, Andrew. Hello, Fuher Laura. YOU get manipulated! *YOU* get manipulated! EVERYONE. GETS. MANIPULATED!!! -Oprah if she worked for Facebook.  Why was there a Civil War? What was slavery? Is the sky blue? What's even, like, REAL, man? President Trump asks the tough questions and the lamestream media just doesn't get it. Shutdowns and border walls and bombs, OH MY! A budget deal was struck and...

Et tu, Brute? Laura betrays the sisterhood and someone gets salty AF. 13 Reasons Why Not to Watch This Show, and the Unicorn Frapp: a monster of our own design. THERE'S NO WORDS ON IT. FUCKIN THING SUCKS. -Bill O'Reilly, or #Millennial listeners?  Bye boi!  Let's talk about France, baby, let's talk about you and oui. The French presidential election is freaking people the fuck out, and for good re...

Welcome to #Millennial where the hosts are all in the midst of quarter life crises. In Hashing It Out: Andrew is picking up and moving across the country. Things he doesn't have space for: standing desks and his dog.  Laura is buying a money pit. Matt is working up the gumption to move across the hall. Andrew's heading to Atlanta as Laura makes a major life step. As for Matt? He just bought a Nint...

An update to ButtGate: someone is forced to tell their boyfriend the truth.  "I'm just going to gently spread your labia," said the stranger named Gale. And we let them.  The Confessional asks us about vomit and blowjobs, two themes that go together like Andrew and dentists.  "I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKIN PASSENGERS ON THIS MOTHERFUCKIN PLANE" -United Airlines. Fly the friendly skies.  Pr...

The prodigal son returns: welcome back, Matthew. The city of Atlanta has decided to become a literal dumpster fire; meanwhile, the DC dumpster fire rages on as Steve Bannon is yanked from his NSC post - by none other than the Trumpster himself.  Andrew recounts another hang and bang story with some show listeners.  Friends and family members of airline employees strike back with some listener feed...

United Airlines: Fly the Unfriendly Skies. Three women - including a 10 year old girl - are kicked off a United flight for wearing leggings. Yes. Seriously. Hidden from the Headlines takes us to Brazil, where we say goodbye to the Amazon rainforest and oxygen more generally. If you want to help the rainforests, donate or get involved here, and/or just succumb to the Whole Foods hipster life. Fuck...

#Millennial comes back from Spring Break with a bang. And a lot of embarrassment for Andrew. Speaking of our star host: 80 years later, Andrew finally went to the dentist. What sordid diseases did they find? Fwd: Andrew likes British penis - the title of an actual email, from an actual listener, who experienced a Close Encounter of the Andrew Kind on Tindr.  Should he have said "hook up"? Beauty a...

​Rabbit rabbit ya'll! Whatever the fuck that means. Andrew reveals his deep jealousy of the girls' friendship.  We welcome Ian and Zee to the show to discuss last episode's Confessional from a self-described transphobic listener. They open up about their own experiences, common misconceptions, and how we can each help the trans community.  Trump cripples the Clean Water Act, which the whole countr...