Magellans at the Movies

The Holy Grail is basically the Holy Grail of points of comparison for very valuable things that are also extremely hard to find. Indiana Jones found it, of course, but he had to leave it where it was so that doesn’t count, especially since, even before our favorite archeologist cracked his first whip, the grail was the subject of much interest among medieval kings and scholars. One such noted med...

He’s back, ladies and gentlemen. After a brief foray into a crisp, charming biopic without even a single violent murder, David Your-Pets-Don’t-Love-You-They-Love-Being-Fed Fincher returns to reclaim his throne as the sultan of sadness with all the blood, nihilism, and that distinctly Fincher-y sickly hue of yellow you expect from him in The Killer, a 2023 psychological thriller based on the French...

For pity's sake.

Cats and footwear. Two things that traditionally don’t mix, what with cats being more temperamental than a spoiled toddler who hasn’t had his nap yet. Because of this inborn insistence on kicking it hobbit-style, when a bold, pioneering cat does rise above his feline brethren to slip his tootsies in some bootsies he is sure to command attention. Maybe, if left in the anthropomorphizing machine for...

It’s not exactly groundbreaking to say that money can exert a corrupting influence over us. Money isn’t what makes life worth living, but it is what makes the lives most of us live possible. Money is the bridge between us and the vast majority of our material needs and desires, allowing us to have stuff like computers, tomato seeds, and novelty pillowcases with the infamous “Hey, you. You’re final...

Josef Stalin, general secretary of the Soviet Union, thug, and all around murderous megalomaniac, has died. What follows this massively consequential non-tragedy is a mad scramble for power as members of the Politburo amass what support they can for their respective claims to be next in line. Infighting amongst them is inevitable and spills out of the halls of Kremlin in the form of generalized ch...

Love. It’s all you need, it conquers all, it’s patient and kind, it’s generally excellent. Even beyond those qualities is the fact that you never know where you might stumble into it. Romantic connections can happen in raves, school, or even online without ever encountering the object of your affections in real life! Or, if you’re a pair of attractive young people traveling across Europe, it can s...

We do not want to make any jokes about this movie, please enjoy our episode on Florian Zeller's The Father.

It really is impossible to overstate just how ubiquitous Star Wars is as a franchise. It’s easier to find the Ark of the Covenant than it is to find someone so culturally illiterate, so far removed from the bright center of the galaxy that they’ve never heard of George Lucas’ civilization dominating brainchild. Star Wars means many different things to many different people, and today, for some rea...

It’s been a long day on the road. You’ve annoyed the locals of whatever tourist trap you’ve been to, you’ve been swindled out of your life savings in exchange for two post cards and commemorative mug, and now you’re looking to cap off a successful day with a good night’s kip. This poses a problem, however, because you forgot to pack your house, and now you need shelter for the cold night. Well, yo...

Bosses, amirite? American civilization is practically founded on the idea that the 9-5 worker drone one tier above you is a bit of a handful, denying you overtime, forcing you to give up your vacation days, and making that promotion contingent upon you laughing at their lame jokes to a not insignificant degree. All of that’s bad, of course, but at least we can be grateful that supervisor Greg does...

Ah, to be an Irish rogue in the 1700s. It was such a glorious time if your name was Charles, last name The Twelfth or if you were a doctor peddling in leech based medicinal techniques. Fortunately for those of us who are neither we can just watch the goings on of this time via the magical technology of moving pictures, and even more fortunately we can then hear them being discussed by geniuses in...

Nature is full of dangerous animals. Bears, alligators, lions, and honey badgers are all vicious, aggressive predators that, if given the chance, will happily kill and eat a human who, despite being firmly atop the food chain, are comparatively fragile and much shorter on pointy bits than your average apex predator. Depending on your galeophobia levels, you may have noticed one animal that I didn’...

We all know Hollywood legend Orson Welles from his groundbreaking role as Unicron in Transformers: The Movie, but did you know he actually directed and starred in a lesser known film called Citizen Kane in 1941? It’s true! This brave little movie toiling in the shadow of its younger brother may not have bright colors or cars that turn into robots, but that doesn’t mean it has nothing to say for it...

One of the most impressive powers of good writing is its ability to convince you to take seriously that which you would find outrageous and laughable in real life. If, on the evening news, you saw someone dressed up like a bat and ran around the city at night beating up muggers, you’d probably have a good chuckle at the expense of the silly man in his silly costume, but watch that same quirky spec...

For as long as there has been news there have been those who would spread it. Modern journalism may trace its roots back to the advent of radio and television reporting, but the practice of informing people of the goings on in the world far predates media journalism. That’s right, when your crazy uncle leaves you a fifteen minute voicemail urging you to start digging a bunker in preparation for th...

Any therapist worth their salt will tell you that it simply doesn’t do to dwell on the negative. Allowing your mental wheels to grind against the woes of the past will only serve to make you more bitter, more defensive, more paranoid, and ultimately less open to the many opportunities and triumphs of the now. Unless, of course, you’ve decided to mark every tenth episode of your unsuccessful film p...

In the great pantheon of childhood toys there are few as ubiquitous, as culturally dominant, as wildly oversaturated as Barbie, the plastic approximation of a woman whose various outfits probably cost more than your entire closet. Being so intertwined with the tumultuous development of young girls, the brand is of course subject to great scrutiny. Barbie has been accused of being everything from a...

Science! Best known for its supporting role in Bill Nye the Science Guy, science is the method by which we deepen our understanding of the world around us. It tells us what lies in the hearts of stars, the process by which our bodies are formed, and how to turn lead into gold probably. Science isn’t just about nature, it undergirds the world man has established. It has provided us with new materia...

Sand. According to the modern Shakespeare it’s coarse, rough, irritating, and gets everywhere. Those of a similar mind should probably avoid the sun-blasted wastes of Arabia, where the dust is plentiful and the cleansing water rare. The only thing that could make these unforgiving deserts worse would be a web of train lines and bridges used by the Ottoman Empire to move supplies and troops to thei...

Why are we doing this? Descriptions written by Elliot

Indiana Jones. He’s one of the most recognizable film characters of all time. The whip, the leather jacket, the revolver, and of course, the fedora, all combine to create the adventuring archaeologist's famous silhouette, but Indy’s appeal isn’t all superficial. He’s just a well written, charismatic, Nazi punching hero played with predictably smooth aplomb by Harrison Ford. The franchise didn’t ex...

Everyone has bad days from time to time, yes, even if you live in Australia (five bucks if you get that reference). Your car won’t start when you need to be at work early, the AC breaks on the hottest day of the year, or you accidentally switch lives with your evil long lost twin on your wedding day thus throwing your entire future into uncertainty as you try to convince the police that it’s a coi...

Antiquities are a niche interest. People collect relics from the past to learn about how people once lived, how they occupied themselves, and the kinds of comforts they could enjoy. For many people, perusing gilded mirrors, dusty phonographs, and hideous cushions in a poorly lit store on your local town square constitutes cruel and unusual punishment, but some artifacts defy age and become entrenc...

In the great pantheon of stuffy old late-19th century British authors (for which the middle school English teacher is the most devoted evangelist) perhaps no other member has had their works adapted more often or in more mediums than Jane Austen, chronicler and critic of polite society in England. Austen’s books have weighed down many an American student’s backpack, but we all know that it’s easie...