Magellans at the Movies

It may seem strange now, but there was a time when advanced life on Mars was a serious scientific contention. Supposed canals on the red planet's surface filled the imaginations of academics and entertainers alike with exotic alien societies, incredible technologies, and of course, lots and lots and lots of Martian hotties eager for the company of big, strapping Earthmen. That's how we came to hav...

Privacy can be hard to come by these days. Whether it’s nosy neighbors, intrusive family members, or the ever present eye of avaricious corporations gobbling up your personal data so they can charge you more for watermelons, the obstacles preventing modern man from a moment to himself are numerous and ubiquitous. Still, it could always be worse, after all the televisions could be watching us, righ...

Arguments. Some people have them just constantly, and always at such a volume as to include everyone within a two mile radius in the dispute, whether they like it or not. The bellicose characters of A Streetcar Named Desire, a 1951 drama directed by Elia Kazan and based on the play by Tennessee Williams, have lots of disagreements, but the frequency with which they altercate has done nothing to re...

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Did you ever get the feeling you were being . . . watched? That a thousand eyes behind a thousand cameras were tracking your every move, broadcasting your life to unknown observers for unknown purposes? It's not that you live in the rapacious surveillance state that is modern America; you must be starring in The Truman Show! This voyeuristic dramedy from director Peter Weir released in 1998 and ca...

Superheroes. In comic books they’re cool, colorful men and women dispensing righteous justice to an eclectic cast of goofy supervillains. Yet, what would the paragons of costumed courage look like if translated from page to reality? What kind of personality would it take to theme oneself after cowboys or whatever and hit the streets to beat up dognappers? These are the questions posed by Watchmen,...

Space, basketball, and cartoons. Is there any more beloved combination in the grand halls of the cinematic medium? Everyone has their own personal favorites of the astronomical animated alley-oop genre, but few would argue that the tradition’s most notorious example came to us in the 1996 classic Space Jam, directed by Joe Pytka and based on Looney Tunes, and also a commercial? The idea’s inceptio...

Cars go vroom, explosions go boom. Such is the organizational motto, founding principle, and indeed core appeal of The Fast and the Furious, a wildly successful series of car crime movies which gradually devolved into Marvel without explicitly acknowledged superpowers. From a little movie about street racing and high speed heists based on a Vibe article to not so little movies about saving the wor...

Why do I have to tell you who Spider-Man is? Have you seriously never heard of him, even if you haven’t seen this movie? I have better things to do than explain the deal with one of the most popular characters in all of fiction, or the details of one of his most iconic and recognizable screen outings. You want to know more? Look it up. I’m going to bed. Contact us/Requests/Questions: MagellansMovi...

Hair. Where? Here, there, and everywhere! What am I jabbering about? Why Rapunzel, of course, the heroine with uncommonly blessed follicles most famously seen on screen in Tangled, a 2010 animated adventure directed by Nathan Greno and Byron Howard, based on the fairy tale by . . . you know that’s actually somewhat complicated so let’s just say the Brothers Grimm. It’s a Disney princess movie, fol...

Neighbors. Whether they’re polka dancing in the apartment above yours or inexplicably mowing the lawn at five in the morning, the people living over, under, and around us can be difficult. And yet of the many irritating scenarios you’ve no doubt experienced with them, I don’t think any neighbors have posed a greater challenge to Jesus’ most famous rule than the next-door extraterrestrials of Distr...

There’s no business like show business. Actually, I think there’s at least a couple businesses in which clueless narcissists and incompetent money men make fools of themselves both privately and professionally for the viewing pleasure of the masses, but perhaps none in environs so strenuous as Hollywood. Yes, the men and women behind the movies have to kill themselves in cutthroat work so contenti...

I don't like alcohol. It's bitter and unhealthy, and it gets everywhere . . . you know, if you spill it. No sir, alcohol has never been for me, and indeed its popularity is on the decline across the U.S. these days. There was a time, however, when Americans were bonkers for beer, so much so that, when a passionate group of dissenters from this overwhelming liquor love instituted a nationwide ban,...

What a nightmare it is to commute. To trudge in a great column of drones into the stone bellies of banks, firms, offices, and workshops only to retake your place in the same procession filtering back to homes where you eat, sleep, and prepare to do it all again. Yes, getting to work and going home can be a joyless affair, but at least we can thank our lucky stars the man at the toll booth doesn’t...

Everyone loves an underdog story, and no unlikely triumph gets audiences on their feet like those shocking upsets which unfold in sports. The victory of the Earthy Lovable Small Town Spotted Toads over the Arrogant Wealthy Big City Polar Bears is certain to move make you a Spotted Toad fan for life because the inspiring, uplifting story is so hard to resist. What's true in real life is often true...

Ah, the heady days of youth, throwing action figures down stairwells and smashing armies of toy soldiers together in shocking displays of poor generalship. You may remember these blissful hours fondly, but playtime may carry less nostalgia if you knew that every time you dropped G.I. Joe on his plastic head you were actually committing a grave crime against the health and dignity of a living, feel...

Fernão de Magalhães, or if you’re a lazy, uncultured American, Ferdinand Magellan. He probably isn’t a historical figure to whom you’ve dedicated much thought lately, or, you know, ever. Magalhães’s life and achievements may not make themselves felt in your day to day life, but there’s no denying he impacted history in a significant way. The benefits or harms of that impact, however, are, like lit...

Magellans at the Movies. What can I say about this storied institution, this foundational pillar of film criticism that hasn’t been said? More books have been written on the world’s most listened-to podcast than on religion, history, and self-help combined, and yet, the men behind the movies remain a mystery. Who are these two mavericks, these titans? Where do they come from? What divine spirit em...

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when I say the word “sports?” If you said something along the lines of the majesty of the human body in motion, achieving feats of athletic beauty and physical prowess as men and women test the limits of their strength and dexterity, then congratulations . . . on being WRONG, idiot! Sports, like everything else in life, is about getting cold hard cash, som...

Nathan and Elliot are back at it with their comic misadventures in movie reviewing, this time examining the 1958 Alfred Hitchcock classic Vertigo. Will they be made dizzy with joy by the charms of this thriller romance, or will they nauseously withdraw from the precipice in search of safer ground? Let’s find out! Contact us/Requests/Questions: MagellansMovies@gmail.com Donate: https://paypal.me/ma...

Siblings. Can’t live with ‘em, absolutely can live without ‘em, but, unfortunately for those of us who are not criminally minded, circumstances often restrict our options. Life with a brother or sister doesn’t have to be all misery and movie podcasts, however, for some brotherhood comes naturally, as is the case for the titular bros of The Blues Brothers, a 1980 musical comedy directed by John Lan...

Obsession, it’s what I feel for videos of tortoises eating lettuce and the name of a 2026 horror movie directed by Curry Barker that Magellans at the Movies are reviewing today. Contact us/Requests/Questions: MagellansMovies@gmail.com Donate: https://paypal.me/magellensmovies?country.x=US&locale.x=en_US Check out our blog for more reviews and movie content!!! https://magellansatthemoviesblog.b...

Malls . . . uh . . . hmmm, that's a tricky one. Malls are no longer the lively, vibrant organisms they once were, after all. The few remaining malls that haven't been torn down shuffle around on rotting legs in a desperate search for sustenance, you might even say the shopping mall has become something like a . . . zombie? That's right, dear listeners, today we are returning to the undead apocalyp...

SIMON! GARFUNKEL! SHUT UP ALREADY! Sorry about that, folks, I’m trying to write the description for today’s new episode, but the incessant crooning of everyone’s ninth favorite musical duo haunts my every waking moment and turns my life into a living hell ever since I watched The Graduate, a 1967 romantic comedy directed by Mike Nichols. You may not have seen this classic tale of sordid twists and...

Please stop making me write these descriptions. I’ve never seen a movie in my life. Nathan throws plot descriptions into the pit where he keeps me and just expects me to know how to set up the episode with a few jokes and some basic information. I have a doctorate in applied physics and another in analytical chemistry, I don’t care about movies! If anyone is reading this, please send help. I'm bei...