Love Over Addiction

I am asked all the time, "Why do I keep going back to someone who hurts me so much?" There are many reasons we stay, but instead of guessing, I'm going to be vulnerable and share with you why I kept falling in love with a man who clearly didn't love me or himself enough to get sober. Here are the top four reasons I kept going back to a broken relationship: I loved his potential. I was married to a...

Almost every week, a woman who loves a good person suffering from the disease of addiction asks me if they should tell their family how out of control things have become. Have you ever wondered if you should tell your family about their latest binge? Or about the time they never came home? Or what's really going on with your marriage? Your loved one might seem put together on the outside. Most men...

If you have been listening to my podcast or reading my blog, then you know that I love to research. One of my happy places is sitting behind my computer in my office with a warm cup of tea and spending the day Googling and getting deep into a subject. Recently, I went to an event in Naples, Florida and during dinner, I sat next to a researcher. Usually, I'm not a fan of those kinds of events. But,...

Do you find it difficult to know what to do when the one you love starts drinking in front of your children? Are you a parent of a child who drinks too much or suffers from substance abuse? I often say to my loving Secret Facebook Community - which is filled with some of the most amazing and courageous women on this planet - you have choices. You don't need to stick around when they're making bad...

Addiction is expensive. Beer, liquor, drugs, pills, porn - it all adds up. I was an oblivious wife and never really paid much attention to our bank statements. Math wasn't my best subject and I thought it was romantic that my husband took care of the bills and provided for us. But I was wrong. There was nothing romantic about wasting hundreds of thousands of dollars on the very things that are des...

Dear _______, Our marriage served a purpose and was not wasted even though it did not last. We had three little ones who are light and joy and gifts to this world. They have your terrific sense of humor, your working hands, and your kind heart. You knew that dark, rainy afternoon that you could not be the father they need. That I had found someone who could love them and care for them in a way tha...

Do you overcomplicate things in your life?   Maybe you make a decision only to doubt if it's the right one? Do you stay stuck in your situation because you're afraid if you step out in faith it will be too soon or too late? Or the wrong step? Use this checklist to make your next decision and see if your plans match God's will. Take action immediately. Move forward with courage and strength. You ha...

I signed up to volunteer with the 4-year-olds at church one Sunday, and about ten minutes into the class, I started looking at the clock and wondering how much longer until the class was over. Let's be super clear: I love children. I have six of my own, but I am certain being a preschool teacher or working with young kids is not my gift.   Maybe it's because I think about germs way too much. Maybe...

It's not uncommon for the ones we love who are struggling with addiction to have an affair. This disease makes good men and women do awful, hurtful things. So if you have been a victim of infidelity, my heart can relate. We are sisters. And it's devastating. Your heart feels like it's physically in pain and it takes your breath away in random moments throughout the day - like when you're doing the...

Several years ago, my dad took my brother and me on a trip to Paris. We went to the Louvre one afternoon and we paid extra money for headsets that you can wear while walking around the museum. The headsets tell you about each picture and the artist. It was stunning. There were so many beautiful pieces of artwork that I didn't know where to lay my eyes. My brother and I just walked from hallway to...

It's not "normal" to love someone who drinks too much or suffers from addiction, so we can't use "normal" relationship tools. There are common mistakes that we make when we're trying to help that might not actually be helpful at all. Here's a brief list of 7 mistakes you might be making: 1.  You keep track of your partner's drinking. If you tell your partner not to drink in the house, he or she wi...

Loving someone who drinks too much or suffers from addiction can feel like your relationship is a roller coaster. One day your partner is loving and kind and the next moment they are sick and angry. It can be a lot. Does that mean you are helpless? No way. Here are 5 tips to show this disease that you are not powerless. 1. Put on some great music. Maybe it's classical, pop, or worship music. Whate...

When I was married to an alcoholic and substance abuser , I stopped taking care of myself and became consumed with taking care of him. Slowly, the things that I enjoyed doing the most took a back seat. My day job became a real distraction to my other job of trying to keep him sober. I was so uncomfortable living with addiction that I found comfort in food. Candy bars, brownies, pasta - they all ga...

I thought I would make you a video about one of my most favorite topics to discuss: the struggles of the secrecy that comes hand-in-hand with addiction. Do you wonder if you should tell anyone about your family disease? Is there someone you want to confide in but you're not sure how to tell them what's really going on in your home? Are you feeling lonely and isolated because you've lost most of yo...

So here's the deal…. for years I have been sending you letters and recording podcasts of encouragement and love (with some helpful tips) because I think of you all the time. Seriously. Every. Day. And I have grown to love you. So, as your loving friend, I would like to give you a kind nudge and ask you this: If you have not joined the programs ...what are you waiting for? Because I know you so wel...

If you love someone who is struggling with addiction, you might be feeling alone and disappointed since this season is just not turning out the way you hoped it would. Too much alcohol has been consumed, angry words have been said or shoved deep down inside. Drugs, pills, or pornography have become a regular part of your life. If this sounds like you... please lean in close because I need you to h...

Did I ever tell you one of the reasons I decided to leave my husband was because of a basketball hoop we purchased for my kids' Christmas gift?   My six-year-old son really wanted to learn how to play basketball. And we had just enough space in our backyard to set up a real basketball hoop so he could safely practice. This hoop was not the plastic kind for little kids. This was the heavy, 10-foot,...

You love a good man or woman who drinks too much or suffers from addiction. This disease is cunning and secretive. There are things you need to know that addiction will never share with you. They are important things that could change your life and the way you feel about yourself.   Here's a list of the top 4 things this manipulative disease does not what you to know (and I am happy to reveal): 1....

Are you more comfortable putting yourself down than being kind to yourself? How do you react when someone compliments you? Do you take a moment to breathe it in, or are you quick to reject? When you've done something good you need to do two things: Recognize it. Sit with it. Dwell in it with a sense of accomplishment and achievement. It doesn't need to be some super large accomplishment. It could...

Do you feel beaten down? Like you don't recognize yourself anymore while loving someone who drinks too much or suffers from addiction?  This disease does a really good job trying to convince us that we are helpless. But that's a lie.  There are many things you can do to help your relationship and give him a better chance of sobriety One of the best ways to help is by learning the most common mista...

For years, I thought I had an idea of what a boundary was. I even thought I was implementing them in my home and my relationships.   But it turns out, I was wrong. Boundaries can be really confusing and I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did.  So, today I am going to give you a big picture idea of what a boundary is. Imagine yourself walking along the beach and you find a stick. You take...

The holidays are usually so difficult when you love someone who drinks too much or suffers with substance abuse. While everyone is excited to celebrate, attending all the holiday parties, and planning for a perfect celebration, somewhere in the back of your mind you're just worried how much your partner is going to drink. You're feeling anxious that he or she won't be able to hold it together. You...

Let me ask you a question… do you have boundaries in your life? Let's get even more basic than that…. do you know what a good boundary is? Having a good, healthy boundaries in place versus poor, unrealistic boundaries can make all the difference in your personal, spiritual, and physical growth. So, you know having boundaries are important, right? But we're not quite sure what they are? Just the id...

The other day I got an email from a loving woman who has been a member of our community for years. She is in love with a man who drinks too much and suffers from addiction. This is what she wrote me: I used to read your blogs and they would make me angry. Not at you, but I kept thinking, "Why won't he change? I give him everything. I pray, I plead, I'm loving him through it.   But now your emails...

Loving someone who drinks too much or suffers from substance abuse can be really difficult. No one prepares you for how to handle the lying, the denial, or the feelings of of hopelessness. What you think should work, doesn't.  So you're left not really knowing what to do. Your best doesn't seem to be helping him or her get sober. That's why you need some direction. A clear path that will teach you...