Krynoid PodCast

"I'm the new caretaker. John Smith... most people just call me the Doctor." Skilled exponent of the deep cover persona, the Doctor wields a broom and a non-sonic screwdriver in his new-found role as The Caretaker . Naturally, this makes life very difficult for the peripatetic Clara and her new (but already long-suffering) beau, Mr Danny Pink. A Skovox Blitzer is whizzing around disarming policemen...

"I hate the architect." Another dose of self-loathing from the Doctor? Or has he just watched 'The Towering Inferno' once too often? Well it's one of many questions and many twists in the oh-so-tricky Time Heist - a tale of the cloned mega-rich, sunken-headed criminals, a love-lorn mind muncher and a motley crue of amnesiac bank robbers. One's a top-drawer impressionist, another is wired for data,...

" I sense the vicious doctrine of egalitarianism." Not our words, the words of financially-motivated, fish-blooded fungus, The Collector. One of The Sun Makers , this blob of seaweed with ideas above its station loves a healthy balance sheet and an unhealthy executionee but meets his match when the 4th Doctor, Leela and K9 visit plutocratic Pluto. It's a miserable world of wooden tables, cardboard...

"Fear is like a companion. A constant companion, always there." And some may think Clara Oswald is always there, in shot. But not Jim and his mystery new podcast companion. They wax lyrical on the rather watchable  Listen   and ponder tricky dates, misunderstood soldiers and canon attacks. Who wrote on the Doctor's blackboard? Who or what was under the bedclothes? And was there anything outside Or...

"No damsels in distress. No pretty castles. No such thing as Robin Hood." Well it just goes to show that even curmudgeonly old Time Lords can get things wrong occasionally, although the TARDIS team do also manage to encounter a Robot of Sherwood  or several during their sojourn in Merrie England. Hair is plucked, sandals are sniffed, targets are incinerated and a baddie is cast into a vat of boili...

"Top layer, if you want to say a few words." Ooh that 12th / 14th / 271st Doctor is a silver-tongued charmer, isn't he? Perhaps being poked into a mental Dalek has upset his equilibrium? Or maybe not. Who knows? Who nose? etc. etc. So Jim and Martin go Into The Dalek and try to discover why the Doctor looks so sheepish, if Clara's was a happy slap, what makes punters qualify for Missy's Heaven and...

"And don't look in that mirror. It's absolutely furious!" Peter Capaldi is the Doctor and Jim and Martin escape their Classic Who bonds to observe him in his inaugural outing, Deep Breath . It's a Victorian melodrama, featuring a newly-coatless tramp, two attack eyebrows, some amazingly tolerant Londoners and the only restaurant with a negative Michelin star count. Is age just a number? Does offin...

"Clever. Clever. Clever." Well, if the Cybermen are that bloomin' clever, they'd target the more body-conscious members of The Moonbase crew with their veiny virus too. Never mind, the silver giants have plenty more plans up their practice golfball-studded sleeves and this spells trouble for the internationally-branded Boyz N The Base. But they reckon without Gollum Doctor, a lead-swinging Jamie,...

"You may be a doctor but I'm  the  Doctor – the definite article you might say."   A statement of intent from the fresh and dewy Tom Baker in his first ever story,  Robot . As well as being introduced to the boggle-eyed Bohemian, we continue the Adventures of Sarah Jane Smith, politely clap Benton's latest promotion and discover what the Brig does with his car keys (and more) at the weekends. If t...

"This fellow's bright green apparently. A nd dead."   What's that you say? Green? And, more importantly, dead? This must be the 1973 Jon Pertwee quorn-clogged classic, The Green Death , then.   Wherein the Doctor escapes from Metebelis III and seeks comfort in some cosplay while Jo finds love, the Brig finds a dinner suit at the bottom of his overnight bag and Mike Yates finds the true inner peace...

"Lord Niiiimon… it is I, Soldeed…" Words to strike terror into every self-respecting Doctor Who fan. Yes, Jim and Martin scrape the very bottom of the cavernous Who barrel this time and confront The Horns of Nimon . The budget is low but the camp is oh-so-very high. Tom Baker and Graham Crowden compete to bite the biggest chunks out of the unimpressive scenery, accompanied by the wrong Romana and...

"You can't mend people!" Well tell that to a doctor – Who or otherwise. And the Kinda can mend doolally folk too, turning them from sociopaths to simpletons by simply opening a box. A bit like Deal or No Deal in reverse. But is Kinda a box of delights or one of Pandora's old cast-offs? Well, Nyssa's barely in it so that's a promising start but Adric's face freaks Martin out, the presence of both N...

"The events will happen, just as they are written. I'm afraid so and we can't stem the tide. But at least we can stop being carried away with the flood!" And there's a veritable flood of unexpected stars in the Season One closer, The Reign of Terror . Rowan Atkinson captures the younger three-quarters of the TARDIS team, while Jonny Vegas bangs them up. Bill Murray busts them out only for Ian to n...

"Chap with the wings there… five rounds rapid!"   And lo… animated gargoyle, Bok, was treated to several speedy ales at Ye Olde Cloven Hoofe tavern, a far preferable fate than a dance with Mike Yates.   Yes, it's the 1971 occult classic, The Daemons – a satanic saga of a renegade reverend, a vile verger, tiresome TV chaps and a reticule-swinging spinster.   Yates and Benton are wearing civvies, Jo...

"It's the end… but the moment has been prepared for."   The final words of the boggle-eyed mentalist octogenarian Tom Baker, just prior to being trampled by a crusty ballet dancer and so triggering his metamorphosis into the world's wettest vet.   Jim and Martin start this episode by skewering The Time of the Doctor but then evaluate another regeneration story, 1981's Logopolis .   The fourth Doct...

" Proof! Proof! Proof! It always comes back to the same thing." Well that's what we were all saying when rumours were rife about the recovery of missing episodes, and is also the Doctor's mantra in this now-extant artefact. Recently exhumed six-parter, The Enemy of the World , is the tale of a  Hancock-alumnus with rant-management problems, a shouty youth with claustrophobia and a wet girlfriend,...

"I don't want to go!" A popular phrase this Doctor Who 50th Anniversary weekend. And maybe Jim didn't fancy the visit to Martin's house and all the danger that entailed. But there was Who to be celebrated and our intrepid podcasters braved crowds, a clergyman and an under-cooked Dalek cake to pay their respects to the venerable Time Lord. And here's what they made of the veritable (Verity-able?) s...

" This doesn’t roll along on wheels, you know! " So there you have it, time travel technology explained in a nutshell. Yes, it's An Unearthly Child - the first ever four episodes of a wee programme called Doctor Who. We give it six months, if it's lucky… I t's a grimy old saga that begins with a foggy junkyard, a crafty old weasel and a police box that's ALIVE! Then we go back to our roots and joi...

"Like a nine year old trying to rebuild a motorbike." Not a description of Jim and Martin attempting to produce a remotely professional podcast but the words of a very unusual lady... Sigh with ennui as Jim and Martin try to understand   The Doctor's Wife , despite failing ever to have done so with their own. Yes, it's that surreal saga where the TARDIS trio land on a friendly planet and witness t...

"The great god Vulcan must be enraged. It's so volcanic. It's like some sort of volcano." Marvel as the next Doctor forges new vocabulary before your very eyes… Yes, it's Peter Capaldi, in a previous life, as a patriarch who escapes a pumice pummelling. But it's David Tennant as the legendary Time Lord who saves his future self from The Fires of Pompeii , with the aid of his trusty Water Pistol of...

"Lots of planets have a north!" Yes, the grinning, jug-eared bloke from Northern Gallifrey makes his debut in 2005 ’ s seminal legend-resuscitator, Rose . Everyone ’ s favourite chav, the eponymous Rose Tyler, has a bronze medal in under-7s gymnastics, a boyfriend who goes from annoying to plastic to basket case in 45 minutes and a Mum who all but twerks at passing strangers. No wonder she fancies...

"This cannot be how it ends!" Well it damn nearly was. Yes, it's time to reconsider the 1996 Paul McGann TV Movie , with its gun fights, fist fights, car chases, snogging and schmaltz (no way was this an American production!). The Doctor is now only half-Gallifreyan with a naff syrup and an Addams Family interior design sense, while the Master is now part-snake, part-personal lubricant dispenser,...

“I haven't got no mum and dad. I've never had no mum and dad and I don't want no mum and dad. It's just me, all right?” So who’s this perishin’ apple-cheeked cockernee urchin then? Why, it’s Ace! And she joins the show in 1987’s Dragonfire , which mercifully closes Season 24. It’s a frosty fable involving a wobbly-headed ANT, some woeful ice statuary and a frigid frozen food salesman. A screamer l...

"Chop Suey, the Galactic Emperor" The elusive Robin Bland serves up this dubious dish, with a hefty helping of hairy kebab meat, in 1976's The Brain of Morbius . But it's still a more appetising proposition than the Liquorice Bootlace Surprise at Chez Mehendri, a Bohemian bistro with a red, white and green wine list. The latest renegade Time Lord may be half man/half Macra with a goldfish bowl bon...

"It's rather a pity, in a way. Now the universe is down to six hundred and ninety nine wonders." The Doctor reacts badly to the news of Girls Aloud splitting up. Luckily, the Krynoid Podcast is here to take his mind off it. After giving Cold War , Hide and Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS the once-over, Jim and Martin travel back in time to 1974 for Death to the Daleks - a tale of disarmed Dale...