In Oeuvre Our Heads

Unbeknownst to you, our dear listeners, it has been nearly two months since we last watched a Seagal movie that wasn't our punishment from the game show episode. I think it's fair to say it hit us all just as hard as we thought it would. Kill Switch was a thoroughly dull roller coaster ride with all the thrills, peaks, and valleys of a broken down carousel. Edited by Hans. Follow us on Letterboxd!...

Steven Seagal is a drunk, unemployed, gambling-addicted, creepy deadbeat. Sorry, Steven Seagal plays a drunk, unemployed, gambling-addicted, creepy deadbeat in this one. Does the title mean anything? No. Does the poster mean anything? No. Does anything that any character says to any other character even mean anything? Nope. The only thing watching this movie means is that it means I'm wasting my t...

Our latest just barely feature-length romp, Urban/Renegade Justice (2007) pairs Director Don E. FauntLeRoy for the third and final time with direct-to-video era Steven Seagal where they really dig into into the complex racial tensions of LA-based gang warfare deeper than we've seen thus far on this show. We decide to unpack this by... not really unpacking it at all and spending more time talking a...

We had the absolute pleasure this week to be joined by Zach's wonderful wife, Sara! I'm not entirely sure why she agreed to do this, and she had a pretty terrible time with the movie, but we had a great time talking about it with her. As for the movie itself... well, it sucked. But hey, what else is new at this point? Edited by Hans. Follow us on Letterboxd! Aaron , Hans , and Zach Disclaimer: We...

Dear listener, I think we have indulged you enough, so please, just this time, allow us to indulge ourselves. In maybe the worst episode format imaginable, we have an entirely self-indulgent ramble session that probably requires you to watch at least 2 Seagal and 1 Linklater films and listen to at least a handful of our previous episodes to even understand what's going on. If that's like, not your...

Well back to our regular format where we discuss the barely-a-movie Blade Trinity 2: Underworld: Harvester: Attack Force: Attorneys at Law . You know that feeling when you're in a social situation and halfway through starting a sentence you realize it's something you aren't supposed to say so you kind of try to pivot halfway through to something else and you end up just kind of mumbling around and...

Come one, come all! This week we were graced by the presence of our very good friend, Guiseppi Gasagna who prepared a mid-season quiz show for us! We find out that our brains have officially been poisoned by Seagal, as we remember a lot more about these awful movies than we thought we did... and we're only halfway through! Sorry this one is so late, we took a 3 hour 45 minute recording of 4 people...

I edited out nearly 30 minutes from this episode and it's still almost an hour and a half. There are no shadows in this movie. Come join us as we discuss what is quite possibly a knockoff Mission Impossible 3 , but worse in every conceivable way. Also, please message us and let us know how in the world Seagal continues to bring in real talent for these terrible movies. Edited by Aaron. Follow us o...

Join us as we dive into Mercenary For Justice, a film where Steven Seagal is a mercenary who does the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of anything anyone would consider to be justice. Edited by Hans. Follow us on Letterboxd! Aaron , Hans , and Zach Disclaimer: We do not endorse Steven Seagal nor any of the heinous acts of which he is accused. We do not wish to boost his career, finances, or ego; we just aim to t...

In the pulse-pounding, adrenaline-rushing sequel to The Foreigner (2003) Steven Seagal returns as Jonathan Cold to do... nothing that really relates to the first movie at all. In this review of the most nothing movie of all time we valiantly struggle to come up with... well... kinda anything to say about it. It basically does the same ending as The Dark Knight Rises (2012) like 7 years before that...

In our shortest episode in a long time, we talk about a movie which has a casino robbery, a prison break, a car chase through the streets of Las Vegas, magical visions, and possibly a vampire, but somehow still manages to be unbelievably unoriginal. Join us to find out how Seagal pulled off the impossible: sucking the fun out of what should be a great time. It is his true superpower. Edited by Aar...

Discord messages regarding this episode during editing: Hans: I was not having a good time with this one Hans: I sound completely exasperated Zach: Which episode is this? Hans: Submerged Zach: Oh none of us were having a good time with that one Hans: lol no, we open on you saying Connecticut is a trash-tier state Zach: Fight me, Nutmeggers Zach: I'll take on all 3,606,000 of those Dunkin' Donuts s...

Finally Seagal gets to live out every single one of his weeb fantasies to the fullest. In a script just barely legally distinct from The Yakuza (1974) , we follow CIA Agent Travis Hunter: a man who knows Japan better than any Japanese person, despite seemingly not recognizing mall food court sushi. I dunno, this movie is just so... yeah... it's something or other. We spend a surprisingly large amo...

Content Warning: Seagal made a movie about human trafficking and children. He handles it with absolutely no sensitivity. We try our best, but we get it if that's not your thing. They found a way to make the "rescue the daughter" genre of action-thriller way  way  worse; now we have a "rescue the 14-year-old Polish girl the hero has a very suspicious relationship with" action-thriller. Se...

Zach forbade me from making any jokes about the belly of the beast and Steven Seagal's increasingly beastly belly, so the only real thing I can tell you about this movie is that it at least made me laugh a few times at how bad it was. On the plus side, we did get to hang out with our very good friend Isabel for her thoughts about [gut pun redacted]. - Listen to Bah Bau - Visit our wonderful websit...

After raising our hopes surprisingly high with the relatively dumb fun schlockfest of The Foreigner , the second time around Michael Oblowitz unfortunately disappoints with the very dumb not fun snoozefest of Out for a Kill . This was the second Seagal/Oblowitz collab in one calendar year; so I suppose every man has his limits. I guess greasy lightning doesn't strike twice. Edited by Zach. Follow...

In what is definitely one of his most entertaining films, Steven Seagal is The Foreigner . Sadly for him, however, he remains one of the least interesting aspects of the movie. We here at Steven See It All are pretty sure there was a mix-up at the movie studio. The deranged Frenchman was supposed to be the main character (Dunoir, Boudoir, Filmnoire? whatever his absurd name is). Come and have a la...

The week after the absolute pile of steaming garbage that was Ticker , pretty much anything seemed like a great next movie. Unfortunately about halfway through this episode we all realized that Half Past Dead is also a bad movie in a very uninteresting and unfunny way, it just seemed better in comparison. Edited by Hans. Follow us on Letterboxd! Aaron , Hans , and Zach Disclaimer: We do not endors...

You know when something is so very very bad, but then you learn about how it was pretty much doomed from the start and never even had a chance to be good? Can you even be mad at it in that situation? Yes. Yes you can. Edited by Zach.  Follow us on Letterboxd! Aaron , Hans , and Zach Disclaimer: We do not endorse Steven Seagal nor any of the heinous acts of which he is accused. We do not wish to b...

Wow, Zach was right. This is one big Beeferoni of a movie. Steven Seagal co-stars alongside hip-hop legend DMX (for some reason) in this... detective... drama? About... gun violence? Police corruption? The War on Drugs? It's really unclear what this movie is supposed to be. Anyway, Seagal finds new and interesting ways to be lame while being outshone by all his co-stars. The soundtrack slaps thoug...

Say you see Seagal's face front and center on the poster of his new direct to video movie right underneath the title, "The Patriot". You're naturally led to believe that Seagal himself is "The Patriot." You are, of course, wrong. This film is 95 minutes long and just about every one of those minutes is jam-packed full of reasons why it never saw the silver screen. Here's an Imgur album for screens...

This time around Seagal features in an accurate and empathetic portrayal of the rural Appalachian experi-pfffffffft just kidding he calls a bunch of random people dumb hicks and pretends to know how to use a hammer. Not sure why this one is even called Fire Down Below , there's no fire down below anything; it turns out to actually be glowing green ninja turtles goop down below. I'm slowly losing t...

This has got to be one of the worst, most forgettable buddy-cop movies ever made. I watched it a week ago and don't think I could describe the plot with a gun to my head. I think Seagal is trying to catch a serial killer who only kills Catholics for some reason? Also, he might just be a diversion from the REAL conspiracy which involves Russians and an Italian restaurant. Also, it may take place in...

Here we go again, Casey Ryback is back at it with precisely one other character that was carried over from the first movie, so our predictions from last time were very nearly correct. We're almost positive that the only reason this movie exists is because Seagal heard the term "Dark Territory" and decided that he had to make a movie with that in the title. Not because they actually wanted to make...

Steven Frederic Seagal has come into his own as a true auteur with On Deadly Ground , possibly the most important film within his entire artistic oeuvre for critically understanding his particular vision of this world we all inhabit. Is this vision cohesive or accessible? Does he execute on it with any skill or grace? You'll just have to listen to find out. Or not, you probably have something bett...