Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes

Have I made it sound like it’s easy to keep friendships strong and resilient? If so, let me set the record straight: making changes in friendships, even if they’re for the better, is HARD. A lot of the time, it involves uncomfortable conversations, confrontation, and hard feelings. It’s so tempting to push problems aside to keep relations “peaceful.” I think there’s an expectation to put in work f...

Imagine you’re fresh out of college and just moved back to your hometown. Suddenly, making plans with your friends feels hard. Instead of meeting them in the apartment next door or in the dining hall, you’re texting back and forth, trying to get together – but much of the time, it doesn’t pan out, or it’s just not the same. This story is a reality for so many people, including today’s guest. Jason...

I sobbed in the car about the holidays this week – but not for reasons you might think. Here’s what made me emotional: I am so grateful and excited for the ways we are celebrating our holidays this year. It could not be further from the reasons I’ve car sobbed in years past. Some of you are already excited about the holidays, and I love that for you. But that is not everyone’s experience, and for...

If you’re somebody who dreads going to a party, then this episode is for you. Sometimes the couch feels more appealing than going out into the world and socializing, and I get it. Attending a gathering takes energy. Sometimes it feels awkward. But gatherings can also make us feel inspired and supported and invigorated. Today I offer an approach that will help you take charge of your guest experien...

Raise your hand if you’ve ever walked away from an interaction and thought, gosh, I was so awkward! They’ll never want to talk to me again. If this is you, you’re not alone, and honestly, it probably wasn’t as bad as you think; we’re often harder on ourselves than other people are on us. When it comes to connections, there’s a name for this underestimation of how much others actually enjoy interac...

Let's talk about the Martha Stewart trap so many of us have fallen into. You decide you’re going to get everyone together to see your new place. But then you start thinking you need to deep clean everything; you need more seating, more cutlery, and you need to cook a nice meal. Eventually you start wondering: when did hosting get so expensive? I’m here to tell you it doesn’t have to be. Today...

I’ve never been a big drinker. In my early twenties, I remember having to stand up for myself to be included during drinking games, even though I was drinking water. But at a recent gathering we hosted, I realized there were actually MORE non-drinkers than drinkers present. Making non-alcoholic options (and non-alcoholic activities) a normal part of our get-togethers has certainly been an evolutio...

Ninety-four percent of people have experienced more than one friendship break-up. Let that sink in. Nearly EVERYONE listening has been through this heartbreak multiple times – and yet, we barely even talk about it as a society!  This statistic comes from a survey conducted by today’s guest, Meenadchi, a somatic healing practitioner, communications expert, author of Decolonization Non-Violent Commu...

There is a message I keep getting in my DMs, and it breaks my heart every single time.  It’s too late for me to make friends. I’m too old. I’ve messed up. I missed the boat. I get why people feel this way. Societel messages lead us to believe there is a point in our lives when, if we don’t have the community connections we want, then we will never have them. But if you’re on the shore, watching yo...

Lots of people tell me they want couple friendships – you know, those picture-perfect foursomes you see in movies, where everybody gets along effortlessly. Here’s the truth: couple friendships are complex! Why? Because you’re not just making friends couple-to-couple. You’re actually building FOUR SEPARATE FRIENDSHIPS at the same time.  My husband and I have lots of couple friendships – probably mo...

Calling someone you haven’t spoken to in two years isn’t weird; it’s just being human. Today’s guest is Jacob Marquez, also known as J. Henry, a Seattle-based tech entrepreneur and musical artist whose approach to relationships challenges a lot of conventional friendship wisdom. Jacob is the founder of Seattle’s Best Brunch, bringing creatives together to collaborate and spotlight each other’s wor...

Cheer your friends on for hanging out with each other … even if it’s without you! It might sound like counterintuitive friendship advice. But the truth is, when my friends have rich, full social lives, I actually benefit more than anyone.  In this episode, I’m going to share some stories where I have either encouraged my friends to make other friends or actually cheered them on for hanging out wit...

Imagine you’re an expat in Berlin in the early 2000s, with no smartphones, no social media, and barely any internet. You walk down the street and spot someone wearing a T-shirt made by a friend from your past life in Baltimore. Do you approach them?  Well, that’s what today’s guest Amy Stafford did – and this moment led her to being part of the Lucky Trimmer, one of the most beloved dance festival...

One of the best things about being part of a group – whether a book club, neighborhood, friend group, or formal community – is feeling like you belong to something. But that feeling isn’t always instant; sometimes, if you’re new, you might wonder, at what point do I actually fit in? That’s what we’re talking about in today’s episode: what belonging to a group actually feels like vs. what we think...

Lately I’ve been hearing about how the price of community is inconvenience. You know what I’m talking about: those posts about how, if you want a village, you have to be a villager. You have to give the rides, buy the gifts, and drop off the meals. But I think these messages focusing on inconvenience are missing the point. Yesterday, I was at a baby shower for a friend who has wanted to be a mom f...

When putting yourself out there, rejection is inevitable. But here’s a reframe you might need to hear: YOU are not being rejected. It’s only your OFFER that is being rejected. Tanesha Moody was, at one point, drowning in rejection from every direction, from job applications to dating apps to her own friendships. Instead of retreating, she got curious and discovered the transformative power of sepa...

Have you ever felt like everyone but you received some kind of friend-making manual? Today’s guest, Lee Hopkins, is a social connections and business culture coach and CEO of Patterns of Possibility – but his journey to this work started with his own decades-long struggle.  In this episode, Lee shares about navigating friendship after recently learning that he has autism, and how this revelation h...

It happens to all of us: you leave an interaction and realize the conversation was all about the other person. They didn’t ask a thing about you.  Today’s episode is about feeling ignored in conversations with friends. In these situations, it’s easy to play the blame game, but the truth is, we are all responsible for our half of the connection. What do you say when a friend asks how you’re doing?...

Sometimes to feel closer to our friends there’s this pressure to share our most vulnerable feelings or unearth some deep, dark secret.  But what if I told you there are more ways to feel connected to our friends that are actually simpler, easier, and more common? That in fact, there are DOZENS of ways we’re trying to open up to each other, but because they’re not “big” shares, they’re often overlo...

Your village is out there, waiting for you. It might even be knocking on your door, and you haven’t realized.  People often think they need to make enormous shifts to find community; they need to move to a tiny village on the other side of the world or into a compound in the woods. But that’s not true. Here’s what you actually need: subtle shifts and a willingness to be uncomfortable.  So many peo...

This whole podcast was only a dream a couple years ago, and here we are now with 100 episodes. Thank you for being here, for listening, and for sharing these conversations with your friends. In this episode, I share some life updates and talk intensely about the Wheel of Connection (view this visual diagram !), which is a foundational concept to my work. I give an overview about each of the catego...

About three years ago, many of my friends moved away within a six month period. While I was excited for these friends, I also grieved; my friends are my main support system, my family. How would I keep these friendships alive? I invested a lot of energy into thinking about it, through which I developed what I’m tentatively calling the “Your People” framework. The best way to think about this frame...

[REPLAY] FOUNDATIONAL FRIENDSHIP IRL EPISODE This month, I’m replaying four episodes that I consider FOUNDATIONAL to understanding all other Friendship IRL episodes. These are the episodes that break down the frameworks and mindset shifts you need to build the connections you want.  EPISODE DESCRIPTION Today’s foundational episode tackles this ONE question: What is a friend, really? A lot of peopl...

Quality over quantity – you’ve probably heard this phrase when it comes to friendship, right? So many of us strive for a few “quality” all-encompassing friendships, thinking that’s better than having lots of less intimate friends. But is that way of thinking actually limiting us? There will be times in your life – maybe as a new parent, or after a loss – when you’ll gravitate toward the friends wh...

Picture this: you're staring at a text thread with your friend, and you realize you've had the same argument three times the past month. You love this person … but right now, you kind of can't stand them.  Today, we're talking about friendship pauses. Let me be clear: this isn't ghosting, breaking up, the silent treatment, or a passive-aggressive power move. A friendship p...